I guess the most exciting thing that happened to me recently is that I got bangs. Bangs! Will the thrills never end! I did it Sunday night, see, after half an hour of watching the Oscars red carpet. I saw Mark Ruffalo's wife with her perfect shiny bangs and I thought "Bangs!
Do you like eggs? Do you like sausage? Do you like things that are fried? If you like eggs and you like sausage and you like things that are fried, I think you would like Scotch Eggs, if you have not already tried them, because a Scotch Egg is a wondrous, wondrous thing indeed. It's an egg, wrapped in sausage, coated in bread crumbs, and fried to within an inch of its life. I am afraid that it is basically the Turducken of the British culinary world.
Today was a marvelous day indeed, friends! It was the first day in my entire life that I went to the DMV and didn't want to perform paper cuts on my eyeballs with the little ticket number they give you so you know when it's your turn to be called. ("Now serving E67 at desk 5. Now serving G59 at desk 21.
So first you withhold grilled cheese from me, Internet, and then you withhold queso? This simply won't do. I was almost twenty-seven before I'd had my first grilled cheese sandwich and I probably would have made it to forty-seven without trying queso, had I not spent last weekend in Austin attempting to break some sort of record for eating the largest amount of it in the smallest amount of time.
Look, I have hiked the Great Wall of China in flipflops. I have done the 30-Day Shred without stretching first. I have fallen off a ski lift while strapped into a snowboard, and then I was hit in the shoulder by that same ski lift when I tried to get up again (somewhat ill-advisedly, I might add.)
It has to be a splash---just a splash---of bourbon, and it has to be that fresh-pressed apple juice that's all thick and fancy and tastes like an English autumn. Sometimes I get crazy and fill the top of the glass up with ginger ale or (even better) ginger beer. I once had this drink in a very cool bar in New York so now I basically like to pretend that I invented it.
I was telling Sean a story the other day and I happened to mention my TV license.
"Wait," said Sean. "A TV license?"
"Yes," I said. "In England, if you have a TV, you have to have a TV license."
"What?" he said. "That's insane! That cannot be true! Are you making this up?"
"No!" I said "It's true!"
