Apr
05
2006

My Name Is Earl. I Mean, Holly.

Is there anything I could have done today that would have made me feel more like a redneck than having a fight with someone in a Wal-Mart parking lot? Maybe if I'd been swigging from a 40, or wearing a Nascar t-shirt with Little Debbie snack cake stains on it, or maybe if Sean had been my cousin and his name had been Bubba and I'd been kissing him, but otherwise I'm guessing yelling at someone in a Wal-Mart parking lot is probably pretty high on the list of Redneck Activities, wouldn't you think?

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Apr
05
2006

It's Like I Think The Internet Is One Big Instruction Manual

Gentle readers, you know so many things. And I am stuck on the answers to several quandaries. Perhaps you can offer me some advice on the following matters, each of which has been plaguing me for the last couple of days. There is a beauty question, a technology question, and a food question, so all the bases are covered. Ah, we will solve the mysteries of the universe, you and I!

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Apr
10
2006

Nobody Can Eat Fifty (Deviled) Eggs

Before I begin this post, I would like to pose a challenge. What do you think is the most ridiculous injury one can ever inflict upon oneself? I will give you a moment to ponder this. In fact, I will hum the Jeopardy tune in my head while you do it.

Ready? What did you come up with? If you chose Puncture Wound To Palm While Trying To Skewer Heart-Shaped Marshmallow For Roasting Over Open Fire, I would like to congratulate you. Because yes, that is the most ridiculous way to injure oneself, isn't it? Not like I did that last night or anything.

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Apr
18
2006

One Of These Things Is Not Like The Other

You know how you always get those photocopied letters at Christmas, the sole purpose of which is that Mrs. Neighbor From Two Decades Ago can tell you all about how Totally Creepy Jake just had a cameo in a Robin Williams movie where he met Julia Roberts' younger sister, with whom he is now going steady, and that Antisocial Laura is now not only a renowned neurosurgeon and the new face of L'Oreal BUT IS ALSO STILL IN THE TENTH GRADE?

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Apr
19
2006

The Big Reveal

So! Thank you all so much for not believing for a second that I would ever enter a professional hot dog eating competition. Obviously, if it had been a professional Tiramisu eating competition, it would have been a totally different story, and you all would have thought, of course, that number two was the lie (because CAN YOU BELIEVE that woman said that to me about the acne?

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Apr
25
2006

I Will Gladly Pay You Tuesday For An Oil Change Today

I've been needing to get the oil changed in my car forever. I've been meaning to do it on a Wednesday because Wednesday is "Ladies Day" at the Jiffy Lube, and even though I find this blatant display of sexism just a tad insulting, if it means I can put a skirt on and save ten bucks, then I'm all over it. Shameless, yes, but neccessary. Plus, it's better than this place, where they leave a rose on your front seat when they give you your car back. How Bachelor is that?

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Apr
27
2006

A Happy School For Bright Girls, That's What They Called It

When I was eleven, as I have mentioned, I left my family and my life in Hong Kong to attend an all-girls boarding school in the leafy village of Bramley, England. To this day, if you want to make my mother cry, you can say "hey, remember in 1991 when you sent Holly to school 6,000 miles away? When she was eleven? Because you wanted her to have a better education?" Sometimes I bring it up when I really want something from her. Then I hand her a suitcase and some carry-on luggage and say "Bon voyage! Have a good guilt trip!"

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Apr
28
2006

On Feeling Conflicted Over Polygamy

I'm normally fairly adamant about what I like (black licorice, good manners, boys who layer a short-sleeved t-shirt over a long-sleeved one) and what I don't (Ben Affleck, lipliner, "your" when it should be "you're.") But there are some things about which I just don't know how I feel. Old Navy, for example. The prices are cheap, the stuff is cute, but you can hardly ever wear anything after four or five washes. And Shakira!

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