I think we can all admit to a slightly embarrasing celebrity crush, can't we? Mine, for example, is Justin Bobby. Are you familiar with Justin Bobby? He's the resident "bad boy" on The Hills, and I put "bad boy" in quotes like that because pah! He rides a motorcycle! He often has a bit of stubble! Sometimes he forgets to show up at parties! He's not strangling kittens or handing out roofies, is what I'm saying: he basically just wears a leather jacket and chews gum. He's the best kind of bad boy: the fairly harmless kind who favors plaid.

When I was in Singapore, I didn't watch TV for the entire ten days. Not sure why, really, only that I had better things to do, I guess, things like eating at buffets. Do you know how many buffets I ate at while in Singapore? Hundreds! And they were all really fancy buffets too, the kind you want to go back to again and again and again.

Everything I know about life I learned from The Bachelor: namely, that reality dating shows suck and you should never trust a man who owns a bar called the Chuggin' Monkey. But then again, you probably could have told me that anyway. After all, no marriages have ever come out of Elimidate, at least as far as I know, and I am immediately suspicious of anyone who deliberately omits a letter from the end of a word.

This week for Secret Bachelor Tuesday Lite---hey, it's Tuesday where I'm writing this, okay?---I thought we'd have a little tutorial. I thought we'd talk about dates. The worst date I've ever been on was to some guy's apartment where we sat on his couch---which was also his bed, since BY THE WAY, he lived in someone's GARAGE, I mean, he paid RENT for this---and watched a VHS tape of Radiohead videos. That was the date. There was no food. There was very little conversation. There was just Radiohead video after Radiohead video and some talk about his toaster oven and his band.

"I want this damn rose ceremony to happen and I want the people who suck to go home." -- Hillary From The Bachelor

From: Holly
To: Nathan, Alison Are you watching?
From: Nathan
To: Holly, Alison THE BACHELOR IS BACK. 956 ROSES!! 620 LIMOS!!! 1,789 SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED DISEASES!!
From: Alison
To: Nathan, Holly This show has really taught me the importance of not "dropping it while it's hot" on national television. Or ever.
From: Holly
To: Nathan, Alison I'm sort of embarrassed that we're LIVE emailing during the premiere of the Bachelor. Aren't you? But nobody'll know. Well, unless I tell the Internet.

Dear Barry Bonds,

Thank you. No really, thank you. In fact, come here, you big hunk of love, and let me give you a hug. Now that you've hit the home run that broke Hank Aaron's record---and you did it in San Francisco, god bless you, sir!---I can finally have my boyfriend back.

Oh, my chickens, you have been so patient. So, so, patient! In fact, it's sort of sweet how patient you've been when one thinks about the absolute rubbish you're waiting to hear about. But thank you for being so patient! And to the people who emailed me things like "WHERE IS THE BACHELOR POST? WRITE IT NOW!", well, thank you as well. It's sort of bizarrely flattering to be chased in such a way. I almost want to give each and every one of you a rose.

Oh dear, I've become something of a one trick pony, haven't I? And the only thing worse than becoming a one trick pony, I think, is becoming a one trick pony whose one trick is recapping old Bachelor episodes.