Reasons I'll Need Therapy


Mar
13
2007

Take Me, I'm Yours

In the hallway of my apartment building, where roughly thirty or forty people live, there is a large marble table.

(I do not mean, incidentally, that thirty or forty people live in the hallway of my apartment building, rather in the building itself, though I assume you're smart enough to figure that out for yourselves, and also, come on, think about it, how would thirty or forty people live in a hallway? I mean, that would be kind of awkward when someone needed to get undressed. Even for San Francisco.)

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Feb
28
2007

I Carry Your Heart With Me (I Carry It In My Heart)

Every day I think to myself that I should have brought gloves for my walk to work, and every day I forget them again. It was like this my first year of university, when I'd get on the number 73 bus in the mornings after speed-reading the pages of Bleak House I hadn't read the night before, and sit on the top deck with my nose pressed against the window, watching people walking through London looking cold. Every time I got off the bus, I remembered I'd forgotten my gloves. And every time after that, I forgot them again.

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Feb
06
2007

This Will Be The First And Last Time I Talk About My Dreams In My Website, God As My Witness, But It's Important

Some months ago, I received an email from Sam of Sunday School Rebel detailing a dream she'd had about me. It was actually seriously awesome: in the dream, she'd been driving past a Sonic and had looked up and seen "Nothing But Bonfires" on the sign. Later on, she'd run into me---still in the dream, of course---and told me about it and I had, apparently, replied "Oh no, that's not good. There's a girl who works there who hates me."

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Nov
22
2006

Found: One Real Life, Honest To God, 100% Genuine Fan Letter I Wrote To Sara Gilbert, AKA Darlene on Roseanne

Dear Sara,

This is probably strange, getting fan mail from a girl, but I just wanted to say "hi" and tell you that I think you're really great on the show. I can't believe you work with Johnny Galecki! What's he like? Seriously, I am so addicted to your show, 'cos I live in England and the TV isn't that great, and Roseanne is the best programme I've watched ever!

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Nov
06
2006

Does Not Play Well With Others

I'm incredibly unsporty. Think of the sportiest person you can picture, Tiger Woods, maybe, or Michael Jordan, and then multiply that by a hundred and then reverse it, and that's me. The only way I can get myself to the gym is if I join one that has Aveda products in the showers, and I'll only do that because there aren't any other people around whom I have to throw to or pass to or catch things from.

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Oct
21
2006

Paradise Lost

At this point, you probably have a few questions for me. Like, when am I ever going to stop this traveling nonsense and go home? And why do I get to spend my days lolling around here while you're somewhere cold, gray, and rainy, putting on another sweater to avoid the chill and cursing the fact that you left your umbrella at the office, and wouldn't it be nice if something kind of awful could happen while I was enjoying the white sand and turquoise water of the Gulf of Thailand, so that then you'd feel a little bit better about the unjustness of it all?

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