Reasons I'll Need Therapy


Feb
06
2012

Rocky Mountain Hi

They tell you marriage is hard. They tell you it involves sacrifice and compromise. And this weekend, Internet, I found out just how true that all is. I agreed to arrive at the Denver airport five hours early so that my husband could watch the Superbowl.

Did you hear me? Five hours early? At the airport? So I could sit in a mediocre sports bar and nurse a watery beer over my Oprah magazine while barrel-chested men bumped fists around me? I'll take that medal engraved with my full name, thank you.

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Dec
06
2011

It's A Normal Time Of Day Somewhere

I am writing this at 4am, where I am deep in the throes of jetlag. And while I know I'm supposed to hunker down and tough it out and try to visualize each part of my body relaxing one after the other so that I can fall back asleep again like they tell you to do in those meditation tapes, I have been awake since 1:30am at this point, and between you and me, it ain't gonna happen.

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Nov
13
2011

True Life: I Was A Pregnant Alien

I spent the weekend at Camp Mighty in Palm Springs, where I had the most wonderful time. It was kind of like those girls' getaways you always read about in magazines that tell you to do things like go on girls' getaways—right after you buy yourself fresh flowers every week and just before you sprinkle organic flax on your oatmeal, obviously—except a hundred times better because I got to dress up as a pregnant alien.

Say what now? Oh, you heard me.

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Nov
08
2011

Cold Is A Four Letter Word

Hey, you know what nobody wants to hear about? Your cold. In fact, on the Yeah, Don't Tell Me About That scale, your cold falls somewhere just below that crazy dream you had last night and a mere smidge above a detailed description of whatever you just ate. And by "you" and "your," we are obviously talking about "me" and "my." Nope, I am under no illusion whatsoever that you give any sort of fig (jellied? preserved? fresh from the salad bar at Whole Foods?) about my cold.

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Nov
03
2011

Crazy Thoughts I Have Had Recently Related To How I Might Check "Talk To Evan Dando" Off My Life List

1. Maybe he has a Google alert set up on his name and he'll read my last blog post about him and leave a comment and then I'll leave a comment back and that'll count as talking.  

2. Maybe he has a Google alert set up on his name and he'll read this blog post about him and leave a comment, and I'll leave a comment back and that'll still count as talking. 

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Sep
07
2011

Once Upon A Time I Fell Out Of A Plane

I'm probably not the sort of person you'd picture going skydiving. I don't know who you would picture going skydiving—a sportier sort of person? A musclier sort of person? A person who didn't think it would be totally fine and normal to hike the Great Wall of China in flipflops?—but I am not offended in the least by the fact that it probably wouldn't be me. I am pretty unequivocally un-hardcore. I get my thrills making cute gift tags for my Christmas presents, thank you very much.

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Aug
11
2011

How Very Pinteresting

I have recently discovered the wonders of Pinterest. Please note that I did not say that I have recently discovered Pinterest itself, because I did that a few months ago when everyone started talking about it nonstop, and I immediately forbade myself from even looking at it. Why? Well, I knew, for me, that it would be like a pothead going to a Phish concert and being all "whatever, guys, I'm just going to listen to the music." That is to say, I would inhale.

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