Me, Me, Me, Me, Me


Jul
26
2009

Tim Riggins Is The New Jordan Catalano

I didn't go to the BlogHer conference this year, but it sure was interesting to follow along from afar. As far as I can tell, for instance, from piecing together various tweets and blog posts, a baby got elbowed in the head. Is that right? Did that happen? Did a baby really get elbowed in the head? What the hell did that poor baby do, steal someone's last drink ticket? Get your own vodka-cranberry, baby! This is mine! Pow! That'll teach you! You probably write compensated reviews too, don't you? I thought as much! How'd you like to review this knuckle sandwich?

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Jun
11
2009

What Do You Wear To Your Own Engagement Party?

One of the things I've always wanted is an engagement party. Funny thing about an engagement party, though: you can only have it at a very specific time in your life. It's not like saying "you know, one of the things I've always wanted is a really awesome Mac computer" and then running out to the Apple Store and buying yourself a really awesome Mac computer. No, an engagement party is far more elusive.

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Jun
09
2009

A Partial List Of Things The Rest Of The World Seems To Love And Yet Towards Which I Remain Curiously Lukewarm

* Sushi

* Star Wars

* Robert Pattinson

* Group dining

* Cetaphil

* Broth-based soups

* Engagement photos

* Don Draper (I prefer Pete Campbell)

* Margaritas

* Dancing With The Stars

* Tarte Cheek Stain

* Speaking in LOLcat

* Eat, Pray, Love 

* Las Vegas

* Madonna

I mean, what am I missing here?

(And by the way, feel free to add your own.)

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May
31
2009

Becoming Those People

The other day, on our early morning flight from San Diego to San Francisco, a baby was crying across the aisle from us. I mean, of course he was crying, poor thing: he'd been dragged out of his crib at four in the morning and made to sit in a cramped metal tube with a hundred strangers who glared at him. Have you ever noticed how people glare at crying babies on planes? Because that's going to help, isn't it: affixing a poor defenseless four-month-old with your iciest stare. Why don't you just steal his lunch money and insult his sister's virtue while you're at it? 

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Apr
30
2009

The Nine Best Pieces Of Advice Anybody Ever Gave Me

1. Nobody ever regretted going to the gym. (My friend Ellen)

2. You can fool people into thinking you've been cleaning the house all day if you just spray some Pledge in the air before they get home. Also, have some onions sauteing in butter on the stove so it seems like you're cooking. (My mother)

3. Ask yourself this. Does this thing need to be said? Does this thing need to be said now? Does this thing need to be said now by you? (My friend Melissa)

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Mar
15
2009

Lather, Rinse, Repeat

Internet, I need a new shampoo. Well, actually I need a new haircut---my last one was this one, in October if you can believe it---but I rather think a new shampoo will be easier to come by, at least for the moment. You know, while the economy is crashing down around our ears and my newly-diagnosed cat is bankrupting me with things like glucose curves and pet-sitting bills and low-carb diets. (Seriously! My cat is on a low carb diet! He's just like Jennifer Aniston!)

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Feb
26
2009

I Need To Get Out More

Internet, you have been hiding something from me. Seriously, you've been holding out!  I mean, you must have been, because why else would I have made it 29 years---much of them spent living IN ASIA---without ever having owned or used a rice cooker?

That's right, a rice cooker. Have you ever used a rice cooker? Because I used one for the first time last night, and I have to say, I don't think I'm ever going to be the same again.

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Feb
12
2009

Reasons I Am Not My Age

So I turned 29 on Sunday, which kind of sounds like one of those fake ages no-one really is. I mean honestly, 29? That's like the punchline to a bad joke some grizzled cashier at the drugstore tells her friends over a Jack and coke: "oh, just turning 29 again!" on her 52nd and 53rd and 54th birthdays. Before I turned 29, I didn't actually know anyone who was 29, and it almost seemed like maybe I'd just skip right over from 28 to 30. Because really, when it comes down to it, what's the point of 29?

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