Me, Me, Me, Me, Me


Jan
31
2010

Does This Dress Make Me Look Thirty?

I turn thirty a week from today and I am not afraid to tell you that I have been sucker-punched by that old cliche, big time. You know the cliche I'm talking about: the one where you dread turning thirty. Every prime-time sitcom in the history of the world has made rampant use of this cliche at one time or another, and apparently I have watched enough prime-time sitcoms that I've fallen for it, hook, line, and sinker. I have been dreading my thirtieth birthday since the day after my twenty-ninth. I mean, that's what you're supposed to do, right?

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Jan
17
2010

Come On Over, I Have Cream And Champagne

I'm not sure why I was thinking about this, except to say that I think about all manner of weird things when I'm trying to get to sleep at night---like how I'd decorate other people's houses if I lived in them (probably with more red)---but the other day I found myself thinking about the three things I always need to have in my refrigerator.

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Jan
10
2010

How I Broke My Eyeball

I should probably tell you right now that this story is going to be a little bit gross. If you have eyes, and I assume you do, the odds are fairly high that you are going to squinch them shut quite suddenly while reading it, not unlike a man who flinches and subconsciously reaches protectively for his testicles whenever he stumbles across the word "castration." This story has to do with eyes you see, my eyes in particular, and people have sort of a thing about eyes.

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Jan
07
2010

Why I Love Pete Campbell

Oh man, really? I have to spell it out for you?

Internet, not since I made the mistake of starting my first day of boarding school by hanging a life-sized poster of Chesney Hawkes above the bed in my dormitory---therefore cementing my reputation as "the girl who hung a life-sized poster of Chesney Hawkes above her bed on the first day" for the next seven years of my life, all the way from age 11 to age 18---have I faced so much open ridicule over a professed love interest. 

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Jan
05
2010

Justin Bobby For President

I think we can all admit to a slightly embarrasing celebrity crush, can't we? Mine, for example, is Justin Bobby. Are you familiar with Justin Bobby? He's the resident "bad boy" on The Hills, and I put "bad boy" in quotes like that because pah! He rides a motorcycle! He often has a bit of stubble! Sometimes he forgets to show up at parties! He's not strangling kittens or handing out roofies, is what I'm saying: he basically just wears a leather jacket and chews gum. He's the best kind of bad boy: the fairly harmless kind who favors plaid.

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Nov
23
2009

Mr DeMille, I'm Not Ready For My Closeup

Today has been the shortest day ever. I don't mean, like, officially or anything: I just mean that I took off from San Francisco before the sun had risen and landed in New York after it had set. My entire day has been in darkness, which has given it a weird truncated sort of feel. Right now, it's 9:15pm and I'm sitting alone in a hotel room in Queens, where I have just finished a vending machine soda and a soggy sandwich that I bought at 7am in San Francisco with the misguided hope that it would, uh, travel well. Which, needless to say, it didn't.

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Nov
05
2009

Brown Friday

The other week I was in a thrift store in San Diego---which sadly turned out to be not so much a thrift store as a giant disappointing pile of the sort of steaming crap that you shouldn't even be able to throw away, let alone sell, but hey that's another story for another time---when I overheard a conversation by some local youths. Do you know how I know I'm turning 30 in a few short months?

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Oct
04
2009

Fringe Benefits

So I got bangs this weekend, which is something I was saying I was going to do for the last couple of weeks, but which I was still only half-heartedly thinking about until I saw 500 Days of Summer a couple of days ago and realized what an annoying movie-goer I was being by repeatedly elbowing my companions in the ribs and whispering "That's the hair I want! That hair! Her hair! Right there!"

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