Doing The Charleston


Jan
14
2006

Almost Famous

Do you know, my parents went to see Elvis at the Pontiac Silverdome in Pontiac, Michigan, in 1975, and he was totally drunk and slurring, and also bloated and fat. He couldn't remember the words to his songs so he kept pulling out a piece of paper from his pocket and reading them out, but getting the timing wrong and stumbling. And then in the middle of one song, he kind of suddenly stopped and grunted and said "uh.... I split mah pants," and then he shuffled off stage BACKWARDS to hide the fact that his Generous Elvis Flesh was hanging out the back of his white spandex pantsuit.

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Jan
08
2006

A Kind Of Blue

It's no secret that if my house was burning down and I had to rescue one thing from the flaming wreckage, I'd be hard-pressed to choose between my hot pink Kitchenaid mixer and my shiny white iBook. (Uh, sorry Sean. Sorry, cats. I sort of assumed you'd all be able to tie some sheets together or something. We're only on the second floor.)

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Dec
12
2005

Sean Would Still Say It Was Party City, San Diego, the Day Before Halloween

My most sincere apologies to Wal-Mart. I've maintained for many years that it is quite possibly the Unhappiest Place On Earth and yet today I discovered how wrong I've been. I'm sorry, Wal-Mart, but your crown and your sash have been unceremoniously removed and passed along. Because the Unhappiest Place On Earth is, in fact, Toys R' Us. On a Sunday afternoon. Right before Christmas.

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Nov
14
2005

In Which I Attempt To Justify An Unnecessary Indulgence. And Also Talk About Sweat A Lot.

Here in Charleston, we're a little bit behind when it comes to the Swanky Fancy Gym Department. (And yes, that is its official name, though it's possible, of course, that you may also have heard it referred to as the Holy Crap, I'm Not Paying That Much Every Month Just To Have a Personal TV On My Treadmill Department, which is its alternate name in many parts of the country.) I suppose the thinking is that we Charlestonians will get our cardio by chasing each other through the cobblestoned streets or doing some vigorous bell-ringing in one of our eight million churches.

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Nov
03
2005

Like a Beautiful Prehistoric Bird

When someone has died and we are told about it, so often our first inclination is to say, "But I only saw him a few days ago!" We say it incredulously, hand against mouth, the mouth open: "The last time I saw him he was fine!" But oh, the terrible insignificance of the occasion. Should we have known? If only we had known! And that time we ran into him downtown a few weeks ago, should we have had lunch with him when he'd asked?

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