L'Oreal Double Extend BeautyTubes Mascara

For my entire life, I have suffered from a debilitating condition called SES. You may not have heard about SES but it imbues in the victim a terrible feeling of insecurity, as well as a frequent burning jealousy and often---as in cases where the victim's fiancé  most undoubtedly does not suffer from SES---pure unadulterated rage.

What is SES, you ask? Why Internet, I can't believe I have to tell you. It's Stubby Eyelash Syndrome!

But at last---happy day!---there is an experimental treatment on the market, aimed at helping poor SES sufferers such as myself. It's called L'Oreal Double Extend BeautyTubes mascara, and it promises---through the (cough) highly scientific "Beauty Tubes Technology"---not only flake-proof, smudge-proof, and clump-free lashes, but also lashes that are "80% longer."

80% longer than what? I'm not sure. But I found it today at this tiny, exclusive little boutique I frequent called Target and decided to give it a try.

Internet, it's pretty awesome.  My lashes are certainly 80% longer than something, which is to say they actually exist now, and not just when you peer at them under a microscope. I've used this double-ended brush business before---my mascara of choice had been, until recently, Coup de Theatre by Bourjois---but this one actually seems to make a much bigger difference. I mean seriously, just three seconds ago when I was typing "difference," I looked up accidentally---apparently I couldn't think of the word?---and my EYELASH ACTUALLY BRUSHED MY EYELID.

So fellow SES sufferers, there is hope! Can we too have long and luxurious lashes like our friends and neighbors and (grrrrrr, seriously, WTF) fiancés? Well, only you can know for sure, but if you try this shit, I think you'll find that yes. YES WE CAN.