I Am Trying To Break Your Heart

How romantic! It's Secret Bachelor Tuesday, and yet it's also Valentine's Day! Can't you just feel the love? Can't you just hear me vomiting?

So it's a special two hour Bachelor again this week---a fact I made sure to confirm yesterday, so that I didn't spend half the show in Target like last week. I needn't really have bothered though, because the ABC producers pretty much phone in the first 37 minutes, which consists of a flashback to all the other bachelors from past seasons. Look, there's Sleazy Alex who threw up in a helicopter! There's Smarmy Firestone! There's Hot But Dumb Jesse, who looks remarkably like Jim from The Office. And oh god, there's that irritating Charlie O'Connell with his butt chin and his large eyebrows and his albatross of crushing disappointment that he drags around his neck because he's not as famous as his brother. Then there's Botoxed Byron, the only bachelor whose romantic pursuits I just couldn't bring myself to watch; there was something too Mystic Tan about him. And finally we see Trista and Ryan, America's Golden Couple! She appears frazzled and neurotic and pale and shrill, and THISCLOSE to freaking out about not getting pregnant yet. He appears a little stoned.

Then the 37 minutes of filler are up, and we're in Venice with Moana and Travis who are on their overnight date. They stroll around hand-in-hand, uttering such gems as "that's, like, a church ... but I wonder, like, which one," and "wow, I don't know what that is, but it's, like, stunning." Haven't these people heard of guidebooks? Or grammar? They duck into a cafe and Travis is amazed that Moana speaks to the waiter in Italian instead of just speaking English with a French accent very SLOWLY and LOUDLY, like he did in Paris. Then they go out for dinner and stand awkwardly on a balcony while a man plays the accordian below them. I have to say, Moana really is looking exceptionally pretty tonight; this is possibly the prettiest she's ever looked. After the meal, Travis reaches into his pocket for THE THING WE'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR, the fantasy date card, and hands it to Moana, who reads it aloud. There's some blah-blah-blah-ness from Pimpin' Host Chris Harrison about how he hopes they're having a good time, AND THEN WE HEAR THE MAGIC WORDS: "should you decide to forgo your individual rooms, please use this key to stay as a couple in the fantasy suite." There's an awkward pause! And a giggle! And the promise of a commercial break! Will Moana say yes? Or as Sean says: "do you think she's going to take the shag option?"

So Moana nods, Travis closes the heavy double doors to the Fantasy Suite, a commerical comes on, and the next thing we know, we're in Vienna with Puff Daddy Sarah From Tennessee, who is wearing a sweater the color of which I can only assume is meant to resemble the vomit of a child who has thrown up a mustard-smothered hot dog. Nice. They go up in the air in some kind of antiquated ferris wheel, and drink large glasses of Pilsner. I can't help but think this is a metaphor for their relationship—Moana gets a sophisticated glass of white wine on the waterways of Venice, Susan will probably be sipping a flute of champagne on a yacht somewhere, and poor Puff Daddy Sarah, who really does just epitomize every Girl Next Door characteristic in the book, gets a large glass of beer on a glorified fairground ride. And a snot-colored sweater.

But then the romance hots up a little and she does get a couples' massage with Travis, which is followed by a carriage ride. I'm definitely feeling a little queasy by this display of pseudo-romance, and matters aren't helped by the fact that Puff Daddy Sarah then looks straight at the camera with one eyebrow raised and says "Travis only gives me these pecks on the cheek. Hopefully tonight I'll get some REAL kisses." While she doesn't SAY "nudge nudge, wink wink," she may as well have.

Now, listen, I have a question: couples' massages, carriage rides, hot tubs: do you do these things on vacation? Because I certainly don't. And who decides that these things are romantic? The limos and the champagne and the roaring fires, they're just all so ... EXPECTED. Call me crazy, but wouldn't it be nice if they just ordered Indian food, opened a nice bottle of wine from the grocery store, and watched that Sundance-approved flick that's due back at Hollywood Video tomorrow, while dipping into a bag of Hersheys Golden Nuggets with toffee and almond? (Yes, these are my Valentine's Day plans for tonight. Don't judge.) It reminds me of a commercial that's on the radio here at the moment wherein an unbearably smug woman recalls the time her husband bought her pruning shears, and decides that this year she's going to direct him to Kay's Jewelers so he can buy her some vomitous diamond-heart pendant that 8,000 other women will also be sporting. She ends by saying "because pruning shears are NEVER romantic," and I always end up yelling back at the radio, "YES THEY ARE, YOU STUPID SMUG WOMAN! PRUNING SHEARS COULD TOTALLY BE ROMANTIC! I HATE YOU, AND I HOPE YOUR HUSBAND LEAVES YOU FOR HIS SECRETARY, BECAUSE YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY A JOYLESS, SOULLESS BITCH!" Because seriously, what if you'd just taken up gardening? Pruning shears would be THE MOST romantic present! What if you'd mentioned ages ago that you wanted some? Sure, Sean has given me a few little blue boxes from Tiffany, but some of the best gifts he ever gave me were a pair of Birkenstocks (I was going through a crunchy phase; it was the late 90s), a new tire cover for my Jeep (the one that came with the car featured AN EAGLE), and a stainless steel electric kettle (the ability to make a good English cup of tea in 0.3 seconds, without having to wait for the kettle to whistle on the stove? Priceless.) And I can say with all honesty that, right now, I can't think of any present I'd find more romantic than a Dyson.

Oh hey, you can take your hands away from your ears; I've stopped yelling now. Diatribe over---we're back in Vienna, rather than in the depths of my brain, and Travis and Sarah are having dinner in an abandoned ballroom. Travis gives Sarah the Fantasy Suite Card (shall we just call it the Slut Card from now on?), notices her pursed lips and slight disaproving stare, and thinks fast. "This dining room is too fancy. Let's just take all of this food back to the room and eat there!" he says. Nice, Travis! Quick on your feet! Sarah likes this idea, and they head back to the Fantasy Suite to "eat." I guess that's what the kids are calling it these days.

Next up is Beautiful Susan's date in the French Alps. "How far will she go to put Travis' concerns to rest?" asks Smarmy Chris Harrison. Well, he might as well have left off the last six words of that sentence. Susan feigns excitement when Travis asks her if she wants to climb a mountain, and then once they're sitting nice and high up on a rather dangerous ledge, he confronts her about whether she's using him to further her acting career. Susan goes wide-eyed and denies everything. Push her off, Travis! No, wait, Susan, you push him off first! Oh, who even knows anymore? Couldn't they both just slip? Come on, producers, you know it would make good TV!

By the way, this is the point in the program where I look desperately at the clock, realize it's only 10:25pm and I still have 35 minutes of this to go, and suddenly feel horribly, bone-crunchingly tired. Of life. Did you know, even Travis' hair is pointy?

So they have dinner (fondue, as it happens) and conduct the THIRD conversation in which Travis expresses his doubts about her sincerity and Susan pouts a little. She then clutches desperately at straws and tells him she's "totally falling in love with him," and Travis backtracks a little, realizing that perhaps there's still a chance she'll come back to the Fantasy Suite with him. And here is the best part of the whole show: Susan reads the card aloud, and she pronounces "fantasy" as "fentessssy." And now I'm going to tell you one of the funniest things I know, except I'm sort of worried about it, because undoubtedly you won't find it funny now, partly because I've built it up like this, and partly because the story needs to be told in person to maximise its hilarity. But I had a friend who went to Germany, and stayed in a hotel where the owner kept urging them to visit the nightclub in the basement, which was called U-16. My friend (his name was Thom, but I thought that was kind of pretentious, so I eventually persuaded him to change it to Tom), finally asked the owner why his nightclub was called U-16. "Ah, gut qvestion!" said the hotel owner. "U stends fur 'unterground' because ze disco iz in ze basement. Und sixteen? Vell, sixteen is just....CRAZY number! FENTESSSSSY number!" Please imagine him sort of wiggling his fingers while saying "fentesssssy number," and also waggling his eyebrows, both of which Thom said he did indeed do. I'm sorry, I told you this joke was way funnier if it was told in person. If you email me your address, I'll come over to your house and perform it for you.

By the way, do you think in the FENTESSSSY Suite, they have a FENTESSSSY mirror? Like this?

Do you like how it can be "hanged on the wall"? And check out the roses in the right hand corner! They're just ready to be handed out by the Bachelor!

I'm sorry, where were we? Oh, it's time for the next rose ceremony back in Paris---but first, there are the video messages, in which Moana is undeniably gravelly and sexy, Puff Daddy Sarah is very aggressive ("I want us to move back to Nashville and I want us to have a relationship!") and Susan refers to herself in the third person, tipping the balance (on my part, at least) for her to be cut.

And guess what? She is! And then she cries in the limo, and then she cusses in the limo, and then she kind of cries again, and I want to reach out and stroke her hair and say "There, there, Beautiful Susan, you'll still be in Us Weekly next week." Because you know that's all that matters to her! Poor Beautiful Tragic Susan, let us all shed a tear for her loveliness, and perhaps hold a moment of silence. Now, if you'll excuse me, my chicken korma is here. And my grocery store wine is waiting.

1
Porter
Feb 15, 2006

I can't even explain my joy at turning on the computer at 9:15 p.m. on Tuesday and finding the weekly Bachelor update already at my fingertips. Or my horror that I may have become hooked on The Bachelor without turning on the television.

2
Meg
Feb 15, 2006

Three things:

1. Susan was doomed from moment one. It was all over his face.

2. Why does Sarah seem so Republican to me? Like the chaste daughter GWB and Laura wish they'd had...

3. I wish I could do that thing Moana did with her hair with my hair.

Okay, four things...

1. Why was Sarah wearing the most unsupportive, bridesmaidlike, gathery-wrinkly dress in the world at such an important moment?

Okay, five...

1. Knowing their tendency towards red herrings, does this mean Sarah is the one?
Because we're all thinking Moana. Actually, now I'm thinking Chicken Korma.

Chicken Moana?

3
Linsey
Feb 15, 2006

I LOVED your recap....SOmeone came to my blog today, where I touched on only a tiny bit of last nights show, and said I needed to check out your recap...So glad I did!!!

4
Emily
Feb 15, 2006

I will tell you from experience: receiving the Dyson as a gift will make you fall to your knees, weeping with gratitude. And you will promise Sean things that you couldn't imagine yourself EVER promising, and you will be ok with that.

Such is the power of the Dyson.

And it sucks pretty damn good too!

Fabulous recap this week. I'll be emailing you to request a performance of the FENTESSSSY joke STAT!

5
Lissa
Feb 15, 2006

My favorite part of the episodes are when Chris Harrison goes "Who will get the rose and who will go home brokenhearted?" JUST ONCE! I want him to say "Who will go home broken hearted, crying her eyes out, develop an eating disorder and end up in playboy!"

6
Adele
Feb 15, 2006

Number 16 is clearly a feennntesssssyyynumber....I agree with German eyebrow wiggler.

Number 23 is also a little randy in my opinion.

7
sp
Feb 15, 2006

the OTHER best part is when, no matter how few roses there are to hand out, he steps in right at the end to remind us that "bachelor. ladies. there's only one rose left"

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also, i love your blog. i just found it today, but i am going to write a litte post and put a link to it on my site right now.

8
Wood
Feb 15, 2006

tremendous recap. loved every word.

Last night during the susan date I too looked at the clock, dismayed to find over a half a freaking hour left. And then I promptly closed my eyes and went to sleep because I knew you would write this post and it would be awesome.

I also loved your rant about the pruning shears. we have a version of that commercial here too, and I hate it. today my valentine was a large gingerbread latte at peet's, and I couldn't have asked for more.

9
CharlestonGirl
Feb 15, 2006

Thanks for the lovely recap! I was a little worried he was going to believe Beautiful Susan. She is such a bad liar. I feel sorry for her having to go home to face her parents. They never believed she was telling the truth...apparently they were right. Go Puff Daddy Sarah!

10
Susie
Feb 15, 2006

That is my FENTESSSSY mirror! How dare you laugh at it! And no, I have not 'hanged it on the wall', instead I 'placed on the table'. So many options!

I guess you could say my room is the FENTESSSSY suite now...or not

11
misfithausfrau
Feb 15, 2006

You ALMOST make me want to watch the show again. I would have LOVED to see Trista and Ryan.

12
Fraulein N
Feb 15, 2006

Awesome recap, as usual. Your Valentine's Day plans also sounded awesome. Like a fentesssssy, if you will.

13
juliloquy
Feb 15, 2006

But wait, did Beautiful Susan take Travis up on the Slut card?

I love your recaps! I made the mistake of watching 40 minutes of the show last week. (Favorite moment, when His Pointiness, last rose in hand, said "Sarah [both Sarahs look up] . . . [excruciating attempt at a dramatic pause] . . . from Tennessee.") Seeing the show made me ever-so-grateful that you're taking the bullet for all of us.

14
ariadne
Feb 15, 2006

Love your site! Thanks so much for the Bachelor recaps - that way I don't have to watch the show, but am still entertained by all the trainwreckishness that is that godforesaken show! (Not that I can really talk, my guilty pleasure is "The Flavor of Love" - that Flava Flav dating show - ack!)

You are too hilarious!

15
jes
Feb 15, 2006

Thank GOD I don't have to endure the pain of having to watch this show. I can barely stand to read about it.

And yet somehow, it is still addictive.

16
Student Nurse, prn
Feb 15, 2006

I made the mistake of actually watching the first portion of the show and then getting disgusted with myself and turning it off. Remembering, of course, I could read your blog after. Once again thank you for saving me precious time.

Although I did realize that when I read your writing I say to myself, "Gosh Holly has put down thoughts that I didn't have myself --but are SO accurate". Especially in reagrd to Trista. She looked like crap as a psydo-brunette and faked the happy talk about walking the dogs, etc. --she looks bored. You are right she wants to be preggers or back in the lime light of Hollywood and pages of People Mag.

17
Swedish Girl
Feb 15, 2006

Poor Travis. He must have watched too many of those movies where French/Japanese/Lithuanian people speak to each other in BROKEN English. Why do they do that? It drives me nuts. Sure, I can just about make the leap of imagination that in this movie, English = French/Japanese/Lithuanian... but WHY does it have to be broken? Foreigners don't have an accent in their own language, you know.

Sorry, I think that was a wee rant of my own! You did an excellent job about all that naff "romantic" stuff, so I don't have to. Down with the red roses! At them with your gardening shears, that's what I say!

18
Irony Queen
Feb 15, 2006

*Sigh.* On days like today when I'm wondering why in the world I don't have a boyfriend to bring me flowers or a new vacuum...I can remind myself that I'd have to spend time with Travis. Or Travis-types. And, really, ew!

Also, I totally would have been the bitchy girl demanding to know if Sir Travis had given anyone else the FENTESSSSY suite card. Because, YES, it makes a difference!!!! (No, no I'm not competitive at all.)

19
liz
Feb 15, 2006

i agree with you on everything...right down to the unfortunate color of sarah's sweater and girl-next-door qualities. she is certainly more "wife material" than moana...but i am sure she is not as fun. i think she has this one in the bag, but i have been wrong before.

I haven't watched the Batchleor since Jessie "I'm a second string quarterback" the quarterback was the Batchelor. But I do WANT a dyson. Which is funny because before I got married I issued an edict to my husband on Christmas about the buying of household appliances. After seeing his mother recieve a vaccum for Christmas I decided it was the worst gift you could recieve because you could buy a vaccum any time and he was to never, ever buy me a appliance for a gift.

Now I want a Dyson, and a Bissell flip it, and really expensive pots and pans and knives.

Marriage rots your brain.

21
Gallaudet
Feb 15, 2006

I love that you called the show on its idea of "romance." Limos and roses are so high-school-prom. Chicken korma and Yellow Tail wine on the sofa are where it's really at.

My husband proposed to me six years ago today. I was wearing a jogging bra and his boxer shorts and had just hopped off a treadmill. He was wearing a Tshirt with a clip-on tie and carrying a cowboy handkerchief he'd loved as a child. He placed the handkerchief on the floor, knelt down on it, and said, "I don't have a ring, and I've forgotten everything I was going to say, but will you marry me?"

THAT'S romance. That and Hershey's Nuggets.

22
Nothing But Bonfires
Feb 15, 2006

Gallaudet, are you stalking me? How did you know it was Yellow Tail? BECAUSE IT WAS! Honestly, I thought living on the third floor would stop you peeping in through my windows.

23
Ali G
Feb 15, 2006

the boy made me a lovely dinner, with candlelight and a fabulous wine. and then we took the fabulous wine and got drunk watching father ted episodes. it was one of the most romantic vdays ever.

so i guess i'm a total prude, but i didn't realize the bachelor got to have sex with all the ladies! and you KNOW you have to do it or he won't like you... or is it if you DO do it he won't respect you? of course, you ARE on reality television, so you've probably given up on that whole respect thing...

24
barbie2be
Feb 16, 2006

all i have to say is thank you so much for suffering through the two hours of show so that i didn't have to. :)

25
kelly
Feb 16, 2006

I COMPLETELY and very ANGRILY agree with the pruning sheers sentiment...best Valentine from my sweet p...a little card that the local PD was giving out to motorists they were stopping in a Ride Program (Hmmm?). It says: "Girlfriend! You can call me for a safe ride" It both reminded me of grade 4 and of more solacious other things. :) Somebody go kill those jewellery store people for making women think that its ok to be greedy because of a sainted priest.

26
Éireann
Feb 16, 2006

Long time lurker, but this is, I think, the first time I've posted a comment...

Thanks to YOU, or no thanks to you as the case may be, we now WATCH the Bachelor, because I, in reading your blog, stumbled over Secret Bachelor Tuesdays and desperately needed to know who Jihad and MOAHNA were, and now my every Monday night is screwed over by the evilness that is THE DESECRATION OF PARIS.

And it's also nice to know that there's another sane person in the Carolinas (I'm a transfer student from California living in North Carolina). Isn't this all over after next week? Won't we be able to go back to sane reality shows like Supernanny and Wifeswap?

27
Kristen
Feb 16, 2006

I agree about the traditional notions of romance. I always thought something was wrong with me because I didn't get that excited or worked up over flowers or champagne. Now, chocolate...that's another story.

28
DM
Feb 16, 2006

Hell, I'd just be excited to have a boyfriend who bought me pruning shears. Although I don't garden so that might be a bit weird. But a boyfriend would be nice. There's this commercial that irritates me up here. You have this woman who is going around and talking to these other women about their jewelry. And each one of them says in this smarmy voice "He went to Jared's." While the first woman gets really mad and then goes and drops some sort of fishlike food thing into her husband's drink. I have a tendency to yell at her for being a stupid, greedy woman.

The Fantasy Suite? Are you kidding me? So he gets to have sex with these women? What if he hurts them with his pointy chin?

29
Dave
Feb 16, 2006

Can't stand Batchlor or anything about it. That should tell you how much I enjoy your writing. One of the (according to her) best birthday presents I bought my wife was a Hoover vacuum. Couldn't and still can't afford a Dyson (which she really wants) and besides that guy on the commercials reminds me of those actors who portray ancient Romans and always speak in a British accent. Why do they do that?

30
RadiantSky
Feb 16, 2006

I only saw the part of Trista and Ryan. And then I backed slowly away from the television. Okay, okay, I hurried out of the room so I wouldn't have to see any more of it. I watched the show alot when they were on and found it nauseating when she would constantly switch over to babytalk voice and say, 'Piiiiiiiiiiiink!' I always wanted to say, 'Good Lord woman, it's only four letters it shouldn't talk you that long to say it.' I must admit, I absolutely love the fact that Sharon Osbourne always referred to her as Triscuit. Hehe. Thanks again for Bachelor Tuesdays, which save me the pain of watching the whole show yet satisfy my morbid curiosity! :)

31
Meepers
Feb 17, 2006

Have not watched any Snatchelor shows at all, but can we still be friends? I enjoy your recaps WAY MORE than I ever would if I were to watch the actual shows! Also would like to note that my husband bought me an electric teapot and yea, verily, it was more romantic than the black pearl/diamond necklace he got me for our 4 year anniversary a couple years ago. Not that it wasn't lovely, as well - but the fact is I love that damn teapot and USE IT EVERY DAY. With love.

32
chris
Feb 18, 2006

Several times during the show I kept thinking "I can't wait to read the nothing but bonfires recap."

Oh, but you missed the part where Travis and Susan are in the hot tub and she's auditioning for the slutty crazy neighbor in some soap. Because really, that's what it looked like.

Sarah creeps me out. She seems like a mean southern belle type.

33
Josh
Feb 18, 2006

Wilco, right?