37 Weeks

Apparently 37 weeks is the one where you almost dislocate your shoulder trying to put your underwear on. Sorry for the mental image this is undoubtedly about to create in your mind, but I am finding it increasingly difficult to step into any article of clothing these days and instead have to make a big production every morning of sitting down to get dressed. I remember Sarah Brown once saying that the best advice her mother ever gave her was to never let a man see you put on tights, and I am beginning to suspect that if you are pregnant, perhaps this holds true for everything. Try putting a bowling ball into a backpack, strapping it around your stomach and then pulling on your fresh-from-the-dryer maternity leggings, is all I'm saying. For extra credit—and by "extra credit," I really mean one of those other circles of hell that Dante didn't even get around to discovering—do this in front of the full-length mirror in your bedroom. During a heatwave. 

37 weeks has brought with it a lot of super fun things, like Braxton-Hicks contractions that are actually starting to be vaguely painful—as opposed to just there—and are possibly giving me just the merest sliver of insight into what actual contractions will be like. These are mostly brought about by physical activity, like today when I decided that I was feeling spry enough to tackle the 17-block walk from my bus stop back to my house, only to make it nine and realize that I needed to jump on the nearest MUNI for the remainder because I was starting to limp. For a block or so, I thought this is ridiculous, wasn't there that woman who ran a marathon at nine months pregnant? and some sort of weird competition with this unknown woman almost kept me going, but then a MUNI train pulled up alongside me and so I got on that instead because don't be a hero, you know? So you can't put your pants on from a standing position anymore and you can't walk ten minutes without clutching your spasming midsection in alarm? Well, that's just 37 weeks pregnant for you, I'm afraid. Go home and lie on the couch and watch a Love It Or List It marathon while half-googling nursing bras. There you go. Much better. 

While you will be pleased to know that the back pain that has plagued me since 32 weeks is now a lot better thanks to my visits to the chiropractor, which means I'm sleeping much more comfortably and am only waking up two or three times a night as opposed to five or six, 37 weeks seems to have brought with it a few other treasures, including  an extreme ratcheting up of my emotions—a few nights ago, I had a dream that I saw my mother on the street and asked her if she wanted to do something and she started walking really fast away from me, which made me burst into tears in the dream, only to wake up in real life and find that I was ACTUALLY CRYING FOR REAL—and a sharp uptick in the number of "pregnancy brain" moments I've continued to have, up to and including:

a) Changing the bed covers and throwing the sheet into the garbage can instead of the laundry hamper. 

b) Swearing up and down that the rice cooker was broken, oh my god this stupid rice cooker, ugh I hate this rice cooker, why did we buy this piece of shit rice cooker, only to have Sean gently lean over and press the ON button and then wisely walk away without saying a word. 

c) Freaking out that the changing pad cover I'd bought had a hole in it and then calling up Amazon and politely requesting that they send me a new changing pad cover without a hole in it, please. The new changing pad cover came a few days later, at which point I was aghast to discover that it too had a hole in it, WHAT ARE THE ODDS, except..... oh wait, I guess maybe these things are supposed to have holes in them? To put the little strap through? Huh. Yeah. 

So now that I've officially reached full-term, the hospital bag is packed, the baby's clothes are all washed and put away—have you ever known such satisfaction as that which comes with ORGANIZING A DIAPER DRAWER? Oh, it's positively glorious, I tell you, especially if you have those little fabric compartments from Ikea—and everyone at work is under a sort of vague and tacit agreement that I may not actually show up for work the next morning, in which case they should start to obsessively monitor their Facebook feeds for news. I have started turning down meetings in early August with a breezy "sorry, I'll be on maternity leave!"—a very strange feeling, I have to say—and yesterday I bought some yogurts that expire on July 30th and I idly thought, while waiting in the checkout line, oh wow, I will probably have a baby before these yogurts expire. 

Look, I know it's not exactly the most deep and meaningful realization, but still, what? WHAT? Whoa.  

(PS: Just in case he comes late, I also bought some half and half at the grocery store today and that expires August 12th, and I allowed myself to have the same thought, because come on, August 12th, are you kidding me.)

Pretzel Thief
Jul 11, 2013

Okay, okay, your writing?


Seriously, woman, could you BE a more brilliant, engaging writer? Stop it right now! (Bwah!)

Jesting aside, thank you for a wonderful, bittersweet and hilarious post. (Oh man, the rice cooker...and Sean wordlessly intervening...hee!) Be kind to yourself, mmmkay?

(Also, yay for back pain not being as bad!)


Jul 11, 2013

Not to alarm you, but my birthday is August 12th and I was a 10 month baby. My original due date was July 19. But, I'm sure you'll be fine. Totally.

Leanne Hogan
Jul 12, 2013

I had my first baby back in the day when we had to look up what was on TV that day in a printed paper booklet - the TV Guide. My baby brain had me completely stumped as to what the damn thing was called, closet thing I could think of... I asked the husband if he had seen the street directory for the TV.

I have enjoyed following your pregnancy weeks, and only wish the joys of blogging and fast internet had been around for me :)

Good Wishes to you!

Jul 12, 2013

Did you notice that the end of the rail protrudes from your belly like an ahem appendix of Hamish's?

Jul 12, 2013

Oh my word! I immediately saw the same thing, Ioana! A prelude of what's to come . . .

Jul 12, 2013

I didn't see the Ioana...protrusion but now I do and can't unsee it AND can't stop giggling. Like some kind of 12 year old boy, which I suppose is also a prelude of what's to come....

(Glad your back is feeling better--- you are so close!)


Yeah. I didn't want to be *that* girl, but ditto ioana and Aly. I'm sorry, but your placement in front of the railing in the photo is truly unfortunate. (Or very fortunate, depending on how you want to look at it. Not that I want to look at it. But I just. can't. stop.)

Hilarious post, by the way. As usual. :)

Jul 12, 2013

Oh man, thanks for sharing your pregnancy brain moments. They had me laughing out loud!

Jul 12, 2013

Every time I read your writing, I feel like your friend. Don't get me wrong, I know we're not buddy buddies. But you make me laugh out loud every time.

Jul 12, 2013

I use a dresser with a changing pad on it as our son's changing table and I too have the Ikea drawer organizer compartments to organize the diapers, wipes, creams, and pacifiers in the top drawer. That's awesome! I still love them and he's two!

Jul 12, 2013

I once found my car keys in the freezer. I didn't even have being pregnant as an excuse.

Penis bannister aside, you look great! And I'm so excited for you to have Hamish, but also selfishly don't want you to because I'm worried it will interfere with your blogging. babies. pffft. what about the masses of internet strangers who need you!?

Jul 12, 2013

Oh my, that railing placement could not be funnier. Lovely post, as well, and can't wait to see Hamish in "real" life!

Jul 12, 2013

I've always loved the Gillian O'Mallet nursing bras from target. Super soft and they hold up well. You look great!

Jul 12, 2013

I am laughing so hard I am crying! The rice cooker and the changing pad cover...just hilarious. I didn't notice the railing, but went back and looked, haha, too funny. You do look great. Best wishes to you all.

Jul 12, 2013

Love it. Remember it. Much better reading about it than experiencing all of it. Oh, and the changing pad cover? Hope you bought 10 because they're all going to get soiled in rapid succession and need changing pronto. My advice, take the pictures of the nursery for the blog and then ditch them. Not worth the hassle.

Jul 12, 2013

You are wonderfully engaging and I have no doubt that your baby will bring on many more reasons to make us all smile in amusement! Thanks for sharing your experience with such great wit. And photographic skills!

Jul 12, 2013

Welcome to baby watch 2013, contestant Burns!

Best of luck in the last few weeks before you meet Hamish! I absolutely love following your blog, and think it's going to get even more exciting soon - though really hoping we readers aren't going to pressure you into madness with desire for pictures of The Cuteness.

...and although you seem relaxed about the dates (and it's true first babies just seem to want to stay in there longer) remember you could coin it for getting the right day! http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-23176999 (Can't decide if this is a nice gesture or totally OTT!)

Amy from Herland
Jul 12, 2013

I hope the experience of writing your writing is as fun for you as it is for me to read it. Yours is still, and will always be, my favorite blog!

Jul 12, 2013

This post, and that pic, cracked me up!! You'll do fine--anyone that's this funny at 37 weeks will be able to find the humour in a newborn daze too. :) And it's awesome that you're having lots of braxton-hicks--I did too and I had VERY fast labours!

Jul 12, 2013

When I was pregnant with my last baby we had a big old guessing game on the blog spurred by the realization that I would have the baby by the time the orange juice had expired... and the orange juice container won the due date bet. Heh.

Jul 12, 2013

I just can't un-see the penis picture. So funny! I have throughly enjoyed your weekly pregnancy posts and look forward to waking up tomorrow to a pic of wee Hamish on instagram. Happy birth day, Holly and Sean!

Jul 13, 2013

Apparently I do not get up early enough. I was hoping to be the first one to comment on Hamish's excitement at the "week 37" photo op. Damn. What I was going to say was "Is that a bannister, or is Hamish just glad to see us?"

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