Here We Go

This is what I am wearing the day we drive from Connecticut to Maine: a pink and camel-colored sweater, soft and narrowly striped. Outside, it is sunny and bright and memorably cold. It is the morning after Thanksgiving.

We leave later than we said we'd leave—we always leave later than we'd said we'd leave—and drive through the main artery of the small Connecticut town where we met. We divide and conquer. I order our breakfast sandwiches at the deli Sean used to go to in high school; he gets our coffee at the Dunkin Donuts where he gave me his number, next to the restaurant we went to on our first date. As we merge onto the freeway, our past recedes in the rearview mirror of the car. Our future is tucked deep into one of the suitcases in the back.

********

The day is a question mark. Should we do it here?

No, too weird.

What about if we get off the freeway here, at this rest stop?

Do you really want to find out at a rest stop?

No, I guess I don't.

The beach where we met had felt like it might be poignant, in a providential sort of way, but the restrooms are locked for the winter. Halfway to Maine, we stop at Walden Pond and I think about it there. Seems like it might be romantic, until I see the place I'd actually have to do it.

It's okay, I say. What's a little more waiting? 

*******

We bought it a week ago, the night before I left California for the East Coast. Actually, we bought two. Different brands, just in case. It was raining and we ran across the Target parking lot holding hands, heads bowed and hoods up. In the brightly-lit aisle, we filmed each other giddily for posterity, nervous and jumpy as schoolchildren looking at something they don't feel old enough to look at.

But the next morning, I'd changed my mind. I don't think it's worth me doing it, I said. I think we'll only be disappointed.

I boarded the plane to New York, left the Target bag in the bathroom cabinet. A few days later, I called Sean in San Francisco, caught him right as he was packing for his flight out to meet me.

Actually, I said. Could you bring them? 

*******

It's been dark for a few hours when we pull up in front of the B&B in Maine. We climb the stairs to our attic room, put down our bags, and look at each other. 

We should do it now, I say. Should we do it now?

The bathroom is small and white and clean, with sloping ceilings. Sean sits on the bed, starts the timer on his phone. Ready? I say. Ready, he says.

I leave it on the edge of the sink and walk out into the room and wait. 

*******

Hours pass. Days, months, years. Suspended together in a weird fissure in time, we make the jittery small talk of people in elevators. The wait is a void of nothingness, a lacuna between before and after. The timer goes off on Sean's phone, and we give it another minute, the present wrapped around us like a security blanket. Then we rise off the bed and cross the threshold into the future. 

*******

There are two, I say. 

Definitely two, he confirms. 

There they are. Two pink lines. 

*******

But what do you do after that? We don't know what to do. We'll do another one, I say. Just to be sure. We'll do the other kind, the one with the word. 

We tiptoe down two flights of stairs and make tea in the living room of the B&B. I drink the two small bottles of Poland Spring that have been put in our room. I've barely brought the second test out of the bathroom before the word flashes up at me, consolingly.

Well, says Sean. Looks like it's true. 

********

After dinner, we drive to the flagship LL Bean store in a blissed-out bid to make the night stretch on even longer. It's almost midnight, and alone in the vast metropolis of the children's department, I pick up miniature scraps of seersucker and fleece. I need something tangible and tactile to commemorate this, something physical to make it real.

I choose a tiny cableknit fisherman's sweater in navy blue, and when the cashier rings it up, I ask for a gift box. I don't know why. It feels like a gift. The whole thing feels like a gift. 

******

There is a picture of us I love, taken the next day on an empty, windswept beach, our old life blown wide open into something uncertain and new. There we are, huddled together, the sole two keepers of our precious secret. We look terrified. We look awestruck. We look thrilled. 

271
Mary
Feb 21, 2013

Ahhh! Congrats! :D That was a beautiful post, by the way. Really poetic. Y'all are going to be great parents!

272
JoAnn
Feb 21, 2013

I read your blog daily, but comment rarely!

What a wonderful announcement, and a moving way to tell the story of such a poignant moment.

Congratulations to you and Sean, Holly! You have so many beautiful, life-changing moments to look forward to in your future.

Best wishes!

273
Becca
Feb 21, 2013

Mazel tov! So beautifully written too. Very happy for you two! (Even if I'm just an anonymous blog reader from afar.)

274
Brenda
Feb 21, 2013

Waahoooo! Longtime mostly lurker wondering when this day would come! Congratulations!!

275
Lisa
Feb 21, 2013

That is wonderful news! Congratulations!

276
Crystal
Feb 21, 2013

You are such a beautiful writer! Please, please, please write a book. I could read your words all day. Also, Congratulations! What wonderful news.

277
Laura H
Feb 21, 2013

Congratulations! A wonderful story and exciting times ahead!

278
Stacey
Feb 21, 2013

Congratulations! This is going to sound so very weird and creepy, but here goes: I had eye surgery on Jan 8 and have been working from home ever since then. All of my favorite blogs are saved as Favorites on my work computer, but I haven't bookmarked them on our PC at home. So over the past couple of weeks, I've been wracking my brain trying to remember which blogs I've been missing out on. This morning I sat down with my coffee, and a lightbulb went off! "Holly! I must check up on Holly! I have this weird feeling she's pregnant." Then BAM! Here you are! I wish nothing but the best for you two and cannot wait to read about thie next Grand Adventure of yours!

279
newfoundlander
Feb 21, 2013

I knew it!!! Something has been making me suspect this for a long time now...and all I know of you is what I read in your blog. Congratulations to you and Sean from ?ej#$Newfoundland:)

280
Kerith Gaines
Feb 21, 2013

Holly - congrats! I can't tell you how many years I've been waiting for this post - I've been reading your blog for so long now! This is the greatest news ever!! Watching you plan your wedding was so much fun - I'll be stalking the blog for updates even more, now! Yay!

281
newfoundlander
Feb 21, 2013

oops! there is not meant to be any expletive before Newfoundland. Sorry.

282
Jennifer
Feb 21, 2013

I, like many others, have been a lurker... reading about your life since way back when. I check in every couple days and catch myself up and read about your happiness, your decorating, your travels... and I felt the need to come out from my lurking hole and say congratulations! You two will make such amazing parents.. can't wait to read about your journey through pregnancy and motherhood! And can't wait to see pictures :)

283
Kristy
Feb 21, 2013

That was absolutely beautiful! Congratulations!!!

284
kathy
Feb 21, 2013

wonderful news(and beautifully written). i don't know you, but i am very happy for you and send best wishes for much good health for you two and your baby and for much happiness together always.

kathy

285
Dani
Feb 21, 2013

Congrats, I'm so excited for you! I too had a feeling that this was coming around the bend and was always hoping your next post would be the big reveal! I am currently expecting my first as well, and it truly is an amazing incredible journey (even through all of the sickness of the first tri!) I hope you're feeling well!!

286
lesli
Feb 21, 2013

Congratulations! You made me remember when it happened for us and what a thrill, a huge, scary, beautiful thrill! You are going to have a blast!

287
Ivy
Feb 21, 2013

Congratulations on the adventure ahead! I wish you and Sean a smooth, full term pregnancy with a happy, healthy child (via an easy delivery) at the end of it.

288
gretchen
Feb 21, 2013

I've followed your blog for years and have been WAITING FOR THIS! Congratulations! :D

289
Shelley
Feb 21, 2013

Congratulations! Being a parent is the best thing that will ever happen in your life. It was great before ... it'll be ever better now. You'll have a different perspective on books - now reading from the parent point of view. You'll love this little baby more than you ever thought you could love anything - and you're already in love! So wonderful. And - being pregnant is GREAT!!! Welcome to the wonderful world of parenting!

290
WKS
Feb 21, 2013

Yay!!! I'm so happy for you both. You will not only be the cutest pregnant woman ever, but also both will be amazing parents. Can't wait to follow your journey.

291
Karen
Feb 21, 2013

I have a friend who is in San Francisco for work at the moment and the thought briefly crossed my mind to get her to track you down and say a huge CONGRATULATIONS from me! But my husband reckons it would take less than 24 hours for the Australian Federal Police to knock on our door here in Australia and have me charged for international stalking. I promise you I’m not a stalker… but I am hugely excited and happy for you and Sean, from all the way on the other side of the world.

PS That’s the best written “we’re pregnant” story that I have ever, ever read.

292
Roze
Feb 21, 2013

As soon as I knew where this was going, I tried to read as slowly as I could to savor every word, and by the end, I was teary eyed.

I don't know you, but because of your writing, I feel like I do, and I'm so very, very happy for you and Sean. Congratulations!

293
Whirl
Feb 21, 2013

Delurking to say congratulations :) What a beautiful post.

294
Celia
Feb 21, 2013

Well done! You have such a strong, beautiful sense of family... and now you and Sean get to pass that on to one lucky little someone. Enjoy!

295
g
Feb 21, 2013

Lurker de-lurking to say that I've been waiting for this announcement for YEARS (increasingly impatiently over the past couple of months as it "felt" like something else was going on with you)!! Congratulations!! Can't wait to follow you on this new journey.

how beautiful, how poignant. tears came to my eyes even though I don't know either of you personally, I feel like we're connected somehow. thank you for sharing - and many, many, MANY congratulations and wishes for a happy and healthy pregnancy for you, Sean and bebe.

297
Justine
Feb 21, 2013

Congratulations, Holly and Sean! So exciting!

298
Super Sarah
Feb 21, 2013

What joyful news! I am so happy for you and I can't wait to enjoy the adventure ahead through your blog!

299
Katie
Feb 21, 2013

I cried. How beautifully written.

300
Trixie
Feb 21, 2013

Congrats to you! You'll be the cutest-nursery'd-parents ever!

301
Emma
Feb 21, 2013

Congratulations!!!!!

302
breanne
Feb 21, 2013

I've been waiting for this for so long!!! I used to read your blog every day but life has gotten so busy that I've only had time to check every month or so but every time I would click the link to your blog in my favourites I'd hope that there would be a post announcing this and FINALLY THERE WAS!!!
I'm so excited for the two of you!! You will make AMAZING parents!! :)

303
Sarah
Feb 21, 2013

I hope there's room for another reader's happy congratulations and good wishes! Xo

304
Karen
Feb 21, 2013

My husband thinks it’s odd that I can be so thrilled about news from someone who lives on the other side of the world whom I have never met. But I AM thrilled for you both, all the way from Australia. That’s the most exciting news (and the best “we’re pregnant” story that I have ever read). Congratulations to you and Sean. Parenthood is one heck of a ride – hang on, and enjoy!

305
Erika
Feb 21, 2013

Best pregnancy announcement ever. Congratulations! Can't wait for all the posts that will come of this change, and I know you two will be great parents. : )

306
Melanie
Feb 21, 2013

YES!!! Congrats. :)

307
Maryjean
Feb 21, 2013

Like many of the 306 commenters before me I had been hoping for this happy announcement. As a reader of your blog since the South Carolina days--and an experienced mum--I'm sure that you and Sean will be loving, happy, engaged parents. I wish you all the best.

308
Kristen
Feb 21, 2013

All the best to all of you! I've been reading you for years, and for the last couple, I've been waiting for this announcement. Not sure why it made me cry, but it did. Enjoy this time, just the two of you, waiting for the third.

309
Tiera
Feb 21, 2013

Congratulations!

310
Nicole
Feb 22, 2013

I'm ALSO a lurker who happened upon your post about the DIY dresser refinishing/painting that you (ahem, Sean!) did, and I have had such a fun and inspiring time reading about your projects/decor/parties/travel/that Lemon guy/etc(!), but I have to admit, a day ago I saw the beginning of your post and was like..."South Africa here we go again!" and now that i had more time, I just read through and started tearing up and I'm pretty sure I'm actually crying right now (ah hormones!) anyway CONGRATS!!!!! You both seem SO lovely and I can't wait to see chalk drawings on your menu wall and maybe even the color coordinated bookshelf turn to chaos with toys!

311
Marcheline
Feb 22, 2013

You could have saved your money on pee sticks and just called me, dahling. I knew it! Congrats to you and your hubby. You're both so cute I don't know which one to hope the baby looks like!

312
UL
Feb 22, 2013

Wonderful News! Congratulations -- Delurking to comment

313
Lori
Feb 22, 2013

Congratulations, Holly! I'm so happy for you and Sean - what wonderful parents you will be!

314
Nina
Feb 22, 2013

Congratulations! What thrilling news.

315
Carrie
Feb 22, 2013

this is absolutely lovely news written in a perfectly marvelous way. thank you so much for sharing this news with us!

congratulations!!

316
Diane
Feb 22, 2013

So happy for you! I knew this was coming soon and I'm only a reader/fan of your blog. Loved reading your news, You're are a wonderful writer.

317
Sam
Feb 22, 2013

Eeee!!! Long-time lurker, first time commenting. Just had to say CONGRATULATIONS to you both! I'm so excited for you!

318
Sabrina
Feb 22, 2013

So awesome! Congrats!!!!

319
patty v
Feb 22, 2013

sitting here at work, finally got a chance to catch up on your blog. i literally got chills all over when i realized what you were going to say, and then to see the photo of the stick, well it brought tears to my eyes. you don't know me, i don't know you, but i am so very happy for you. congratulations!

320
Jummy
Feb 22, 2013

Congratulations to you and Sean, Holly! At the risk of sounding like a broken record I have been waiting for this announcement, not because of any hints I picked up but because it seemed like the next step for you two!

321
Brianne Joy
Feb 22, 2013

Congratulations, Holly!!

322
thisnomad
Feb 22, 2013

Congratulations. It's going to change your life and mark a definite chapter change, but it will be so worth it.

323
Chris G
Feb 22, 2013

A beautiful story. I have been patiently waiting for this as you and Sean will be the best parents. Such loving families will be blessed. You have such a gift for story telling. Please don't stop writing....even if the posts are farther apart than they used to be. It is a treat always to read one of them. You have a gift....of story telling and living in the present.

324
honeypops
Feb 22, 2013

I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS!!!!!! Congrats!!!!!

325
Michelle
Feb 22, 2013

Congratulations Holly & Sean!

326
Erika
Feb 22, 2013

Congrats! I'm happy for you guys!

327
Julie in NC
Feb 22, 2013

Hooray!!! Congrats, Holly and Sean! You're going to be fantastic parents... here's to your newest adventure :)

328
Ashley
Feb 22, 2013

How fitting that I read this today after putting my son to bed on his first birthday. I rarely comment but always read, and am so looking forward to reading about your adventures in parenting. It has its challenges, but it's also a joy beyond anything you can imagine. Best wishes for a healthy pregnancy and great times beyond.

329
edj
Feb 22, 2013

Congrats!!! I must admit I had a very good idea as to what you were talking about. And congrats on being able to already buy something baby related. I was in shock for the first several days and that took the form of fear and denial.

You are going to LOVE this! :)

330
newgyptian
Feb 23, 2013

Lovely reveal! I've been wondering for some reason ever since your posts about your trip to Germany. Congratulations!

331
lori
Feb 24, 2013

How absolutely lovely wonderful fantastic exciting!!! It's an amazing journey, and you & Sean will be fabulous parents. Congrats! :)

332
jen
Feb 25, 2013

that gave me chills... both from the beautiful writing and the beautiful news!!! congratulations!! obviously I am a total stranger but I am a longtime reader and am really happy for you guys. I can't wait to read your writing on this and hope your pregnancy is treating you well so far. xo

333
Klara
Feb 25, 2013

Just this one time that I didn't check your blog for a few days, I missed this post :o)

Heartfelt congratulations to you both. I don't know you, you don't know me, we have an ocean between us, but from what I've been reading here for over a year now, I'm definitely sure that you'll be fantastic parents :o)

334
Amber
Feb 25, 2013

This made me cry! Thank you for sharing your happy news!

335
Ashley
Feb 25, 2013

I'm a little late than all the rest but I just read these last 2 posts. I just happened upon your blog through Pinterest about a year and a half ago and I've been hooked ever since. I never commented before but I just had to wish you my heartfelt congratulations!! The way you describe finding out is so poignant and special. I can tell you the adrenaline and excitement never gets old. I have 4 kids and its the same each time. Enjoy every second!!!

336
AA
Feb 25, 2013

I've been reading for years and waiting and anticipating this post for a good long while now. It is better even than I had hoped for. Beautifully written. Thanks for sharing your joy. It gets even better.

337
Dawn
Feb 26, 2013

My very favorite couple whom I do not know are becoming parents. This is a journey I can't wait to read along with you and Sean. And all that I keep hearing in my head is this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aU4pyiB-kq0

Many congratulations!

338
Debra
Feb 26, 2013

Congratulations! Beautifully written post. I live in Falmouth, 10 minutes south of Bean's so loved that you found out in Maine and bought your wee one something there!

339
Stef
Feb 27, 2013

I'm so stoked for you and Sean and happy that one of my favorite bloggers is pregnant at the same time as I am! I love your writing and can think of nobody better to read going through new parenthood as I also experience new parenthood! Congrats!

340
Kyran
Mar 04, 2013

Sitting here beaming at my computer screen. So, so happy for you both, and for wee Hamish (etta)! I'll be following this new adventure with rapt delight. Warmest wishes to you and Sean, and hope to see you again soon. xoxo

341
Savvy in San Francisco
Mar 04, 2013

CONGRATULATIONS! I just am catching up on your blog! I'm so excited for the two of you! Get ready for the most amazing and spectacular adventure of your lives!

342
Pat
Mar 06, 2013

Congratulations!! How beautifully written. Hopefully one day you will write a book, but even if you don't you will have the best reminder of what it felt like to experience this.

343
Karin Maier
Mar 08, 2013

Congratulations ahoy! And what a lovely piece of writing. You three will look back at those words forever.

344
Lynell
May 19, 2016

Te lo pongo peor, sargenta/ o : lo que se hará (si es que no se está haciendo ya) es deslocalizar esa labor de &#c0i2;edi82ón” a algún país con los sueldos más bajos, para que salga todo aún más baratito…

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