Wait, wait, wait—before I have an important update about mascara, I have an important update about the ear balls. Thank you all for being so kind about the ear balls—and also for being game enough to refer to them as ear balls in your comments, which made me cackle with glee every single time—but it turns out that my mother doesn't have ear balls after all. No ear balls! It's a negative on the ear balls! Instead, it has been determined that she has something with an even crazier name. Are you ready?
I mean, what? I had to google that, like, five separate times just to get the spelling right. Fellow spelling bee competitors, you may have found my kryponite. And here I always thought it would be "inadvertently" or "Kauai."
Anyway, labyrinthitis is sadly not a condition caused by watching the 1986 movie Labyrinth starring David Bowie one too many times—otherwise we'd all have it, right? No shame!—but instead some sort of infection of the inner ear that makes you act like Lucille 2 (yep, still watching Arrested Development) and feel dizzy and spinny and faint-y and collapse-y a lot. I still don't think labyrinthitis is as catchy a name as ear balls, but at least it doesn't involve re-positioning one's crystals. Either way, the patient is now back at home in San Diego and feeling decidedly less dizzy and spinny and faint-y and collapse-y, and for that I am very grateful, David Bowie movie diseases notwithstanding.
(Wouldn't it be hilarious if the cure for labyrinthitis was just to watch Labryinth a whole bunch of times? Come on, who knows how to edit a Wikipedia page?)
Alright, listen, no time for that: I need to tell you about this mascara. Remember back in January and February, when I asked you all what mascara you wore, then compiled all 300 responses into some pretty graphs, and then tried the four most popular ones in the hopes of crowning a winner? And it was kind of an anti-climax because none of them really blew me away and then I'd just spent all this money on four mascaras that I had to use for months and months and months until they ran out because there was no way I could justify buying any more mascara, even though I didn't really love any of the ones I'd tried?
Well, ten months later, I've finally come to the end of all those mascara tubes—actually, I gave two to my sister, which helped speed up the process a little and also made me feel like the sort of cool and generous big sister who does things like that—and allowed myself to purchase a new one. And this one, my friends, is the one. I really, really love this mascara, and you can rest assured that this is not any kind of paid review or anything, but rather just me telling you, as a pal, that I have found this great new mascara I like and that you—if you have eyelashes, and are also constantly seeking the holy grail of what to put on those eyelashes—might like it too.
It is called—hang on, let me look at the tube, they've all blended together for me at this point—Lash Fushion XL. Here is a (totally affiliate-free) link to it, although I am going to admit that I did not pay full price for mine because I bought it on Groupon Goods, which, yes, I realize is not the chicest place to buy one's mascara, but hey, a deal is a deal and we can't all hang out in Henri Bendel, which I am going to assume is where the fanciest women buy their mascara because it has a French name and sounds like it would be frequented by people who smell really good.
Anyway, the thing about this mascara is that even if you have stubby little eyelashes like mine, it somehow manages to make them look sweeping and majestic, at least for most of the day, and it doesn't go clumpy or crispy or collect under your eyes in a panda-like fashion, which is always a plus. I thought I would bring it to your attention, in case that you are looking for a mascara—and also because it seemed like a fitting conclusion to my great mascara experiment of winter 2012; I mean, who doesn't like a happy ending?—but if this is not your thing, feel free to ignore it so we can talk about Labyrinth instead. Look, here is the IMDB page for it so you can lose half your afternoon.