Attention, I Have An Important Update About Mascara

Wait, wait, wait—before I have an important update about mascara, I have an important update about the ear balls. Thank you all for being so kind about the ear balls—and also for being game enough to refer to them as ear balls in your comments, which made me cackle with glee every single time—but it turns out that my mother doesn't have ear balls after all. No ear balls! It's a negative on the ear balls! Instead, it has been determined that she has something with an even crazier name. Are you ready? 


I mean, what? I had to google that, like, five separate times just to get the spelling right. Fellow spelling bee competitors, you may have found my kryponite. And here I always thought it would be "inadvertently"  or "Kauai."

Anyway, labyrinthitis is sadly not a condition caused by watching the 1986 movie Labyrinth starring David Bowie one too many times—otherwise we'd all have it, right? No shame!—but instead some sort of infection of the inner ear that makes you act like Lucille 2 (yep, still watching Arrested Development) and feel dizzy and spinny and faint-y and collapse-y a lot. I still don't think labyrinthitis is as catchy a name as ear balls, but at least it doesn't involve re-positioning one's crystals. Either way, the patient is now back at home in San Diego and feeling decidedly less dizzy and spinny and faint-y and collapse-y, and for that I am very grateful, David Bowie movie diseases notwithstanding. 

(Wouldn't it be hilarious if the cure for labyrinthitis was just to watch Labryinth a whole bunch of times? Come on, who knows how to edit a Wikipedia page?) 

Alright, listen, no time for that: I need to tell you about this mascara. Remember back in January and February, when I asked you all what mascara you wore, then compiled all 300 responses into some pretty graphs, and then tried the four most popular ones in the hopes of crowning a winner? And it was kind of an anti-climax because none of them really blew me away and then I'd just spent all this money on four mascaras that I had to use for months and months and months until they ran out because there was no way I could justify buying any more mascara, even though I didn't really love any of the ones I'd tried? 

Well, ten months later, I've finally come to the end of all those mascara tubes—actually, I gave two to my sister, which helped speed up the process a little and also made me feel like the sort of cool and generous big sister who does things like that—and allowed myself to purchase a new one. And this one, my friends, is the one. I really, really love this mascara, and you can rest assured that this is not any kind of paid review or anything, but rather just me telling you, as a pal, that I have found this great new mascara I like and that you—if you have eyelashes, and are also constantly seeking the holy grail of what to put on those eyelashes—might like it too. 

It is called—hang on, let me look at the tube, they've all blended together for me at this point—Lash Fushion XL. Here is a (totally affiliate-free) link to it, although I am going to admit that I did not pay full price for mine because I bought it on Groupon Goods, which, yes, I realize is not the chicest place to buy one's mascara, but hey, a deal is a deal and we can't all hang out in Henri Bendel, which I am going to assume is where the fanciest women buy their mascara because it has a French name and sounds like it would be frequented by people who smell really good.

Anyway, the thing about this mascara is that even if you have stubby little eyelashes like mine, it somehow manages to make them look sweeping and majestic, at least for most of the day, and it doesn't go clumpy or crispy or collect under your eyes in a panda-like fashion, which is always a plus. I thought I would bring it to your attention, in case that you are looking for a mascara—and also because it seemed like a fitting conclusion to my great mascara experiment of winter 2012; I mean, who doesn't like a happy ending?—but if this is not your thing, feel free to ignore it so we can talk about Labyrinth instead. Look, here is the IMDB page for it so you can lose half your afternoon.

Nov 15, 2012

Ugh, labyrinthitis. I know this disease well, having had an episode myself this summer. It took at least two months before I felt "normal" again (and my ear STILL rings constantly as a result of the inflammation, though the cool part is that it rings in harmony with the music on the Harry Potter ride at Universal Studios Orlando, which I discovered on a post-labyrinthitis vacation). My best wishes to your mother for a speedy recovery.

Nov 15, 2012

After reading the name of your mom's condition, I was hoping for a David Bowie reference. Thanks for not disappointing me. And glad to hear she's feeling better. Also -- Must. Try. New. Mascara!

Holly P.
Nov 15, 2012

I just looked this up on Amazon and found it for $.49. Needless to say, I ordered it immediately. Even if I don't love it, shoot- it was $.49. Thanks for the tip! I'm always on the hunt for the perfect mascara!

I love the David Bowie reference.

LABYRINTHITIS. THAT IS WHAT I HAD. I couldn't remember the name of it, but... yeah.

On the upside, our gift shop has a bajillion labyrinth-themed objects, so you basically have a bajillion options for lifetime Christmas gifts for your mom.

Nov 15, 2012

I think we just need to get your mother a Buster to hover nearby in case she has a second attack! Don't let him watch any Labyrinth though...that would just terrify him, right?

Nov 15, 2012

Wait wait...your mom had crystals in her ear, and then labyrinthitis. The prequel to Labyrinth is called The Dark Crystal. Are you seeing the connection? Eh? Eh?

Also, sometime can we talk about what a messed up movie Labyrinth is, and the particularly unnerving dance scene between David Bowie and a very young Jennifer Connelly?

And how the creator of this film has also been responsible for educating generations of American children with Sesame Street, the Muppets and Fraggle Rock?

Alison Presley
Nov 15, 2012

Thank you! This is well-timed because my Givenchy (gah-van-chee, it's a Canadian word) mascara is nearly used up and I hated it.

Nov 15, 2012

When I read about your mom's ear balls I thought, "I bet she actually has labrynthitis but man I really hope not!". I had that a bunch of years ago and it was the worst ever of all time. I went from perfectly fine to stumbling and falling down then head in the toilet nonstop vomit for 24 hours in less than 20 minutes. BOOM and you're done. I couldn't have gone to the hospital if I wanted to. I didn't open my eyes (lest I start the voms again) for a week. I had a really bad case of it though and it sounds like she has it less bad and is way tougher than me (I am a wimp). It took me 3 weeks to be able to leave the house and 5 weeks until I could drive and I still, years later, have some residual vertigo. So I am so sorry your mom has it and I hope she gets better soon! It's a really common thing to get as you get older, according to my doc.

I sound like a crazy sick person but I will tell anyone that it was the worst I've ever felt and if I get the headspins from standing up too fast I freak out that it's come back.

Nov 15, 2012

Oh no Holly!! Ive just been reading reviews and it seems like they are discontinuing the Fusion line! STOCK UP!

Stephanie M
Nov 15, 2012

The weird thing is that this is the FOURTH time in less than a WEEK that the movie Labryinth and David Bowie has come up around me. I don't even know what to say about that.

Nov 15, 2012

I was wondering how the mascara event had turned out, because I noted in one of your blogs - when you couldn't figure out what sort of gunk was seeping from your head and onto your pillows - you mentioned it wasn't the Latisse, so I figured you were going to give us an update on how you liked Latisse. I've been toying with the idea of trying it, everyone who uses it likes it. So spill -did you Latisse?? If so, results? Photo op?

sensibly sassy
Nov 15, 2012

well I'm glad your mom has an official diagnosis, even if it isn't ear balls. I hope she is right as rain very soon!I wish my eyes were capable of trying new mascaras but if I get too adventurous my eyelids swell shut.

Nov 16, 2012

I'm just going to march straight out (in a non-literal laptop-clicking e-sense) and buy that mascara, because you have done all the work of testing. Also I very much like how you write and that seems as good a reason as any to trust your taste in mascara.

Nov 16, 2012

But I just got this one in my Birchbox! I will be sad if they discontinue it. I don't like it as much as I like my Blinc one, but it is a pretty good mascara!

Tierschilder Hund
Nov 17, 2012

Unfortunately, I do not tolerate mascaras, my skin is allergic, but I would like to try new.

Nov 22, 2012

Holly, I just wanted to tell you, that if been reading through your archives for a couple of days now - in a totally non creepy way (okay, maybe a little creepy...but with the best intentions) and I love, love your writing!
You got yourself a new fan and follower!

Nov 24, 2012

Crisis Alert: As someone above seems to have already noted (but because I am a total credit whore) a commenter at that site you linked to said: I'm so sad that the Fusion line has been discontinued..." Buy it out while you can still find it!

Nov 26, 2012

Holly, I'm late to the game on this, and maybe it's been suggested/tried, but if not, Boots pharmacy's 17 Va Va Voom mascara is WONDERFUL.

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Nov 28, 2012

Looking through Sephora and found this- Lash Stash (10 of their bestseller mascaras in travel size!) If that isn't a good Christmas present for a mascara fixated girl like yourself then I don't know what is! Sorry about the long link...!keyword=SEPHORA%20FAVORITES%20Lash%20Stash%20P376731

Dec 03, 2012

I am having a horrible neck thing going on and though I dont' feel dizzy, the hypochondriac in me is sure it's ear balls and/labrynthitis because it's the cool thing to have. I think it's just over taxing of the neck muscles but it's a bitch, for sure. At least I am not dizzy, though. I had read that ear balls post before, probalby from somewhere that you left a comment. Thought I was losing my mind...

DSL Vergleich
Dec 08, 2012

A very intresting and inspiring post, mandy thanks for sharing

Dec 11, 2012

Love the 'directions' for this mascara!

Wiggle brush at the base of lashes and sweep upward in smooth strokes. Reapply if desired. Do not let formula dry between coats.

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