Let Me Name Your Babies

One of the things that never fails to crack me up is remembering a conversation my brother Luke once had with a customer service representative. When she asked him how he was doing, in that polite but rote way customer service representatives have of asking you things, he somehow got supremely flustered—in what I can only imagine was the sort of bumbling Englishman stereotype for which we have good old Hugh Grant to thank—and ended up conflating "not so bad" and "pretty well." 

And how are you doing today, Mr Burns?

Ah, not so well. 

I don't know why, but every time I remember this—hell, even right now while I'm typing it—I end up snickering. Can you imagine what that poor customer service representative thought? Man, this guy's a real downer. What, I have to hear about his gallbladder surgery now? Just say fine and give me your mother's maiden name, buddy, so I can look up your account. 

Another thing that makes me laugh is imagining what I might have been called if my parents had decided to name me after themselves. This actually happened to my friend Elisabeth's friend, who ended up with a name that I can't even remember now but was definitely some combination of a dude's name and a lady's name and was therefore difficult to both pronounce and spell.

Upon finding out that this was an actual thing real people actually did, I polled all my friends to find out what their parents' names were, and started amassing a small but hilarious collection of them in my head to cheer me up on rainy days. Some of my favorites from the list were:

Dolberto (Dolores and Roberto)
Marjerryet (Margaret and Jerry)
and
Dick (Deb and Mick) 

My most favorite of all, however, was Christeve, which is an amalgamation of Christine and Steve. Can you imagine introducing yourself to people as Christeve? It sounds so......so smooth. I want the person who introduces themselves as Christeve to do it with that super fakeout handshake where you end up slicking your own hair back right at the last minute instead of shaking the other person's hand. While also wearing really shiny mirrored sunglasses. Indoors. In an airport. 

My own combined-parents-name, in case you were wondering, would be Patralison, which sounds like either a low-end brand of tequila or a high-end chain of gas stations. Also a nightmare to write on those Starbucks cups, so thank goodness that didn't pan out. 

91
Annie
Sep 23, 2012

This reminds me of how I show my students to figure out their Star Wars name (when we have a couple extra minutes, which is hardly ever)...

Not sure if I would have been Bonda, or Linb. Tough call. My son would have been Anson, though, and I use that as a handle on the rare occasion I play bar trivia.

92
Brianne Joy
Sep 24, 2012

Bahaha this is hilarious! Although I must confess, I'm one of those weirdos that WAS named after their mom & dad. Fortunately for me, I don't think it's half bad - but, the Starbucks employees may disagree. My dads name, Brian... Mom's name, Lisa Ann... together you get, Brianne. (Pronounced Bree Anne) Guess I should be thankful I'm not a, Dolberto or a Brisa!

93
Tracy27
Sep 24, 2012

Oh, I DO know a couple who named their children this way; Timothy and Ellen begat Timelle and Mylen. The mashup cycle petered out by girl #3, who goes by Sky.

I have Ralph (nickname Sam) and Joan (nickname Joanie). Dad's nickname and Mom's name = Samoan; I like tiki culture, but ethnically it'd be rather confusing since I'm as achingly Anglo-Saxon as the character Turkish was in the movie Snatch. Alternately, Dad's real name and Mom's nickname = Joral or Ralphanie. This makes me want to go out, buy a pair of some sort of small pet and name them Samoan and Ralphanie, and then enjoy explaining it to my parents. You'd think they'd be used to the weird by now, but no.

94
Lydie
Sep 24, 2012

I have to come forward as one of the unfortunate. I go by Lydie, but my real name is Lydlen. It is a combination of my grandmothers: Lydia & Helen. It could have been worse, I suppose: Hellia?

95
Auburn
Sep 24, 2012

So many thoughts here...
First of all, I have a weird name to begin with: Auburn. My husband is Rob. We often get referred to, in the collective, as Roburn/Robbern (sp?). I'll keep it in mind for future progeny.

Because my name is tricky and never more so than when I'm ordering coffee, I have started collecting cups which evidence a particularly awesome/unique mutilation of my name. The absolute BEST (I'm looking at it in my office now and would post a picture here if I could) is a Starbucks Venti iced cup from YEARS ago (it has moved offices with me) that bears the name Clovert. Please discuss.

Finally, I know a Joniffer. No combo, just a dad who really, really wanted a boy and when that didn't pan out, decided to give just the barest of nods to his new daughter's gender. Naturally, she went on to marry a Johnathan. Combine their names and you get...Jonathan. It's like that rule of mathematics with 2 negatives...

96
laziza
Sep 25, 2012

Laura, come baaaack! We HAVE to hear the story of your sister also named Laura. I mean, really - what?

97
Alicia C.
Sep 25, 2012

These are hysterical! My parents are George and Patricia. So maybe I would be Gericia or Patorge. Yuck! My husband and I are still picking out names for our first (due in 3 months). If we did this it would be (alicia + carey) Alarey? Caricia? Sounds like a bad romance novel name. hahahaha.

98
Lynley
Sep 25, 2012

Teehee.....you guys make me laugh. I could've been Berry (Beth and Jerry), and my husband could've been Bike (Betty and Mike). I may have to start calling him that....

When we first started dating, our friends dubbed us "Benley," as we are Bennett and Lynley. I think our daughter, Eryn, came off pretty well.... :)

99
Lisa Y
Sep 25, 2012

These comments are so funny! My parents are Russell and Mary, so I could have been Rury or Marell, which is actually pretty nice. My husband's name is Gary, so our girls could have been Garsa (yuck) or Liry, which wouldn't be bad except it sounds so skeptical! My brother and his wife are Dan and Dawn and joked that they'd name their daughters Danielle and Dawnielle. Luckily, they had boys.

100
Jessica
Sep 26, 2012

Oh my, this is a hilarious concept! My new husband and I would be Maurelio (him) and Jisan (me), pronounced More-ALE-ee-oo and Ji-SAHN. How cool are we? His parents are Maria del Carmen and Aurelio, and mine are Jim and Susan. Our child will be Migessica. Nice. She hates us already.

101
Katelyn
Sep 26, 2012

My grandparents did this with their first daughter. Their names were Jack and Maxine, so she is Jaxine. Not the worst one, but definitly original! :)

102
Acreor
Sep 27, 2012

Wow! These are nice photos! :) Nature is really the best inspiration for art. Well, that is of course my opinion. :) Desktop Wallpaper, HD Wallpaper, Wallpaper Background
Computer Wallpaper

103
cec
Sep 27, 2012

the spammer in comment #102 looks like they were named this way, no?

104
Sandi
Sep 28, 2012

Rally and Sick :(

105
Lizzie
Sep 29, 2012

Pabara or Baul. Or Paubara or Barbaul. Thank goodness I was given family names (though my parents claim that was coincidental).

Both of my grandmother's families named their kids after their siblings. So each generation has all the same names just mixed up across the families. I always thought they must have been constantly trying to pop out kids quickly so they got the best pick of the names.

And all the eldest sons in my grandfather's family have the same name, but every other generation is known by their middle name..

That all seems very tame now.

106
sparkling74
Sep 29, 2012

The first time I ever knew of combined parents names was a girled named Kimrick in college. I LOVED that name but she was soooooooo rich and not nice.

As a teacher, I am hit with the most inane names you could ever imagine and many no one would ever imagine. THe most recent combination of names is Jaylin which isn't so wild. Nothing like Levaante or Shaquon or, God help me, Enya.

I used to want to name my kids the wildest things so they would be unique but after almost two decades of educating kids, I see that normal, straightfoward spelling of names is really the best way to go. Someone needs to do a study on criminals and find out how many have non conventional names or have names that are conventional but spelled in a non conventional way. I have a theory there are lots because they struggle with constantly defending their names their whole lives!

107
Alana
Sep 30, 2012

I would have been Frill or Bran. (Bill & Fran).

Although they were going to name me wade if I was a boy, which is nearly as awful.

108
Susie
Oct 01, 2012

Hahahha I thought Luke said 'eh, pretty bad'

109
Morgan
Oct 03, 2012

Look up Brian Regan, "Take luck!" He's got a whole routine about mixing up "Good luck" and "Take care," and also about saying "You too!" at inappropriate times (like when your waitress brings your food out and says "Enjoy your meal!" and you respond "you too!" or your cabbie drops you off at the airport and says, "Have a good flight!" and you respond...well...you get the idea).

110
Elizabeth
Oct 04, 2012

I would be Kem (Kim and Ken).

111
Kelly P
Oct 09, 2012

I actually have a friend who was named this way. Her parents are Ron and Donna and she is called Rhonda. Her sister is Dionne (sort of a stretch, really). It always struck me as a supremely bizarre way to select a name for your child.

I would be Moiry or Teroira? I don't know - Moira and Terry is a hard mix.

My kids could be lucky enough to be called Kellan, Kellrew or Andrelly though. Pretty awesome.

112
Leah
Oct 10, 2012

I know I am late to this party, but ... Renesmee, anyone? (Actually it makes sense, since Leah pointed out that Mormons do this a lot, and whatshername who wrote the Twilight books is Mormon.)

113
Lizzie
Oct 13, 2012

I'd either be Kodd, Kidd or Tit (Todd + Kit - so inappropriate!)

My kids could be Ryzzie or Lizzan. Awful!

114
Maya
Oct 14, 2012

Lindave? Davinda? Lidave? Davelin? Sounds like some kind of weapon! Either way, I'm definitely fine with Maya...Ifthey did middle names (Diane & Kim) I'd be Kiane, Dianim? Diam? Or Dim. Hmmm that's notgood...)

115
Kay
Oct 15, 2012

My friend was named Robevra after Robert and Beverly. When her father left her life, she kicked him out of her name and changed it to Rabevra.

116
jordan cleats
Oct 22, 2014

thanks for share!

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