A Brief Discussion Of A Series Of Loosely Connected Things

If I ever have the time and the inclination, one of the things I think I could make a pretty kickass stab at writing is a hard-hitting dissertation examining the opening statements made by each and every one of the women in the Real Housewives franchise.

You know what I'm talking about, right? Why must Heather from New York, for example, append "holla!" to the otherwise fairly inoffensive line "My success is built on making women look and feel their best"? Does "I call the shots in my life now—and I have good aim" even make sense, Tamra from Orange County? And how many ways can Kathy from New Jersey's "We're old school. We believe in RESPECT!" be used in everyday conversation when you want to make fun of something else? Many ways, that's how many. Why, just the other day, Sean noticed a CD I was holding and said "wow, that's old school." "Yes," I replied. "It believes in respect." 

Another hard-hitting dissertation I'd like to write would be centered around the naming of sports bars in corporate hotels across America. I collect the names of these bars the way normal people collect air miles or Pokemon—do people still collect Pokemon? Or is that too old school (believes in respect)?—and a couple of days ago, I'm pretty sure I found the best one yet.  

Now, sports bars in corporate hotels across America are typically dull and sanitized places, home to jetlagged business travelers poking disconsolately at overbreaded onion rings because the Yelp app couldn't find anything better within a 3-mile radius and hey, this way they don't have to worry about taking the rental car out and tipping the valet guy again. I am used to the sports bars in corporate hotels across America having wannabe-tough names like Spike's and Gamers and Slam Dunk, but the sports bar in the airport hotel I went to for a conference on Monday has taken it up a notch. It is called Knuckles. 

Should I repeat that for you? KNUCKLES. Knuckles the Sports Bar. Can't you just imagine the conversation between a group of beleagured businessman right after they've checked in? Hey fellas, want to grab a drink? Sure thing, buddy, I'll meet you in the lobby in fifteen. Let me just grab a bag of peanuts from the minibar, watch a little Pay-Per-View, write one of the postcards from the in-room stationery kit, and stuff a .45 down my pants. That is one tough sounding bar, man. Can't be too careful. 

Speaking of the airport—which we were, kind of, in a roundabout airport hotel sort of way—I caught an early flight on Saturday to see my parents down in San Diego, and, horror of horrors, my carry-on bag was pulled aside for further questioning at the security checkpoint. Somehow, during the humiliating removal and subsequent inspection of each of my many lipglosses, the four magazines I'd packed for the weekend—I was aiming high, okay? I thought maybe I'd have a lot of free time—were taken out of my bag. And I only discovered that they hadn't been put back into my bag when I was settled into my seat for takeoff. 

There are, of course, other things to do when you suddenly find yourself without reading material for your flight. You can run the numbers on how loudly you're going to lose it when you finally turn around and ask the person behind you to stop kicking your seat. You can go over the notes for your seminar entitled How To Get Up From Your Chair Without Grabbing The Front Of Mine: A Basic Primer. You can doodle a math problem that starts "If John is in Group B and has one carry-on bag and Jane is in Group C and has two carry-on bags, which one of them is going to take your spot and force you to check yours at the gate?" 

But I did none of these things in the end. Instead, I watched the Kardashians. Eh, so sue me, the plane had those little TVs.

Arriving back at the San Francisco airport on Monday morning, I decided to stop back at the TSA checkpoint to see if, by any chance, they still had my magazines. The people at the TSA told me to call a special number, where the lady on the other end of that number told me that yes, the TSA did still have my magazines, and that I should go to the security checkpoint. Where I was already standing. Thanks for that Kafkaesque runaround, TSA, now give me back my Us Weeklys. 

And—minor miracle!—there they were, each one wrapped in its own special plastic TSA folder, being carried towards me by a uniformed officer exiting one of those airport Rooms of Mystery that you never want to be pulled into. I waited rather sheepishly while he printed out four separate forms allowing the four separate magazines—actually two Us Weeklys, one Oprah, and one Real Simple, lest you think I'm a total neanderthal—to be released back to me, and then removed each one from its special plastic pouch.

On the pouch, I noticed, was a very official-looking label showing my name (it was printed on the front, thanks to my subscription), the date I'd left it there, and the approximate value of the item. And while I am very pleased and impressed that the TSA—with all the actual work they have to do—took it upon themselves to save and catalog my silly old magazines on the offchance I'd come back for them, what I really want to know is who was responsible for valuating the Us Weeklys at a dollar apiece. A dollar apiece? Come on! The cover story on one of them was WILD NIGHTS WITH HARRY! Like you can even put a price on that. 

Filed Under:
1
Jo
Sep 14, 2012

I cringe every time Heather says "Holla". Heather, you've pretty much negated any credibility you have by saying that. But who am I to speak - I do watch the show. Makes me think what would my opening line be? Perhaps I need to give that some thought. What would yours be?

2
ashley
Sep 14, 2012

totally with you on the "holla" bit! it's so random and unnatural. but because i do really like heather, i tell myself that the producers must have made her throw that in.

3
nonsequiturchica
Sep 14, 2012

I also don't get the "holla!" phrase. I really hope that she doesn't say that in real life because then she will have totally lost my respect (probably Kathy's too).

4
Susan
Sep 14, 2012

I love that all the comments thus far are about Heather's "Holla!", as mine is too. It annoys me every single time. I really ought to just fast-forward through the credits.

5
Anna
Sep 14, 2012

I really came full circle on the "holla" thing. I really hated it in the beginning (and didn't care for Heather herself actually). But it's grown on me, and so has she.

6
margosita
Sep 14, 2012

And, technically, aren't the actual prices of the magazines listed on the cover? Down in the corner near the barcode? Or are they not, on the issues you subscribe to?

In any case $1 does seem to be low-balling it!

7
Lindsey
Sep 14, 2012

"Like you can even put a price on that."
Golden, Holly.

8
Jeannie
Sep 14, 2012

KNUCKLES! I am so with you. Whenever I see the one day by The Embarcadero I get so grossed out. What a terrible name!

9
agirlandaboy
Sep 14, 2012

September 13, 2012, shall henceforth go down in history as the day Holly Burns typed "stuff a .45 down my pants" on her (old school)(believes in respect) weblog.

10
Michelle
Sep 14, 2012

I snorted multiple times while reading this--my husband has decided that I have lost my mind. But come on, stuff a .45 down my pants? "Like you can even put a price on that?"--Pure blogging gold there. I am impressed that the TSA still had your magazines, but really, $1?

11
Mymsie
Sep 15, 2012

That "holla" thing bugs me too! Could we be more intellectual?? ;)

12
Marcheline
Sep 16, 2012

As a former flight attendant, I am so with you on the lameness of hotel sports bars, and their stupid names, and their soggy over-breaded onion rings. They are absolutely pathetic, and since flight attendants don't get rental cars on overnights, and often our hotels are a 40-minute van ride from anywhere, we are stuck eating in them more often than not. Just... ugh. Pack a couple of energy bars and call it a night.

Never watched any show with the word "Housewives" in the title - but I am a born and bred New Yorker, and I can solemnly swear that nobody, but NOBODY says "holla" in regular conversation here. Actually, the only time I've ever heard it is in that "Ain't No Holla Back Girl" song, when they played it every ten seconds on the radio one summer. Other than that? Not once.

Thank you for re-affirming my already firm belief that standard American television programming sucks arse. It's BBC all the way for me, with the occasional great HBO series thrown in.

13
Marion
Sep 16, 2012

I'm a grad student in Chicago, and I really, really enjoy this blog. How do you manage to make quotidian events so hilarious, EVERY SINGLE TIME? Thanks for making me laugh basically every day.

14
Dawn
Sep 21, 2012

I hang my head in total (holla!) shame as I admit that a friend of mine went to a sports bar once that was also named "Knuckles" (wonder if it is the same?) and brought me back a pack of matches. Why? Because Knuckles is my nickname. From my husband. At our wedding, our friend started the toast, "To Stinky and Knuckles..."

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sensibly sassy
Sep 27, 2012

oh how my ears hurt when Heather says "Holla!"
And for the record, is there anyone that doesn't believe in respect?

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