I've become slightly worried that my husband might be doing some inappropriate hugging. Who do I talk to about this? Is there an advice columnist to whom I can write, hands a-wringin'? (Hands A-Wringin' is my new country & western band. I just decided that. Except I'm going to try and find us a Scandinavian lead singer so we can go one better and be Hans A-Wringin'. What was I talking about again? It's late and I don't think I should have added those three packets of Splenda to my Diet Coke and then chugged it.)
Oh, right. Inappropriate hugging. We have this friend, see—a male friend—and when he hugs you, it's always really intense. Not bad intense, just like a really big bear hug, which is a little disconcerting the first time it happens, I'll admit, but then after a while you sort of find yourself looking forward to it because damn, he's just so happy to see you! I mean, how flattering is that? Who doesn't want to be squeezed to within an inch of their lives? Keep your lackluster back-pat, everyone else, I want to be CLASPED.
Anyway, I was mentioning this intense hugger to Sean this morning, and a strange look came across his face. "Huh," he said. "I think I might kind of do that too. I think I might hug our friends too hard."
(Here Lies Sean Slinsky: He Hugged His Friends Too Hard.)
"Uh, what do you mean?" I asked warily. "How hard do you hug them?"
"You know," he said. "Just kind of.....pretty hard."
"How hard?" I said.
"Well," he said. "When I hug someone, I want them to know that I'm telling them something. I'm saying Hey. You're safe. I've got you."
Ladyfriends of mine—and male friends too; I feel I should add that Sean shook my former roommate's hand so aggressively the first time he met him that my former roommate spent the rest of the day glaring at me resentfully and making a big show of stroking his hand whenever I snuck down to the kitchen for more....whatever we ate in 1999, maybe fruit rollups?—please accept my apologies if my husband has ever hugged you hard enough that you've maxed out your FSA on an operation to reset your broken ribs.
On the other hand, however, I think we may have found him a new little sideline. Need to dispose of a nemesis swiftly and without suspicion? You might consider giving him a shout. The Human Boa Constrictor, they call him. Well, they will once I make him these awesome new business cards.