Consider This A Placeholder Until My Mental Faculties Have Returned

So I thought I should probably pop in and say that no, I'm not dead, I've just been in London. I think I forgot to tell you I was going to London, and then I went, and then I barely had any Internet—well, okay, I had some Internet, but I also had a lot of different ciders to sample and biscuits to eat and old friends to stay out with until one o'clock in the morning, so sue me—and now I'm back and I've been felled by jetlag, but I just wanted to say hi anyway, because manners cost nothing, which is a hell of a lot less than a one-way ticket from Zone 1 to Zone 4 on the Tube, but that's another story for another day. 

I have a lot to tell you about London, most of it misty ruminations on how quickly time flies—I purposefully slapped myself in the face with nostalgia on this trip, visiting both my old school and my old university, and meeting up for various social engagements with people I hadn't seen in 14 years—but it will have to wait until I can formulate a coherent sentence and/or find my camera cord amid the shameful jumble of Cadburys chocolate I stuffed into every nook and cranny of my suitcase under the clearly B.S delusion that it would "totally last me the year." 

Oh, Holly, you're only fooling yourself. Three months, tops. 

On my flight back to San Francisco yesterday, I sat next to a bodyguard, which is pretty much the best kind of person you can sit next to on a plane. First, because you can totally pretend that he's your bodyguard—in your head if you're normal, out loud to the other passengers if the in-flight movies are really boring—and secondly, because you feel pretty safe on a plane if you're sitting next to a bodyguard. In fact, the only way you could feel even safer on a plane while sitting next to a bodyguard is if the bodyguard reveals—during your inquisitive probing about what it's like to be a bodyguard—that he was also once in the army, that he specialized in counter-terrorism training, that he's attended something called "sniper school," and that he is also, no big deal, A PILOT. 

I mean, do they have a guy lined up for the next Bachelor? I got this guy's card, just in case. 

Also, bodyguards have really good gossip. I found this out when mine leaned over the armrest while I pawed through my fifth trashy magazine of the journey, thrust a finger towards Kim Kardashian, and said "eh, she's a bitch." 

"Really?" I said, eyes wide with curiosity (although, entre nous, I'd rather suspected it all along.) "TELL ME MORE." 

1
Janet
Jun 05, 2012

haha, I absolutely love your writing style!! great to read you had a nice trip to london!!

2
Pretzel Thief
Jun 05, 2012

Yaaaaay, you're back!

::hops up and down::

Heh heh.

I came up with this elaborate theory that you were pregnant and trying to figure out the best way to reveal said news to us, your readership. Bwah!

The bodyguard sounds brilliant. (And yay for the London visit!)

3
gina
Jun 05, 2012

Oh phew! I'm glad you're back! I've been checking everyday.
Could I please have the name of that bodyguard? I'm flying to London next week and could use a little extra feeling of security, considering yesterday I went to the doctor's and asked for a prescription for anti-anxiety medication "for flying," and, when I asked, upon receiving a prescription for Ambien why I wasn't getting a prescription for Valium, got some raised eyebrows and a gasp of surprise. "This is the prescription of choice," my doc assured me. "Whose choice?" I wanted to ask, "Because I choose Valium." Anyway, a bodyguard may be just what I need. Not that he'll do anything for me whilst crashING, but I'll probably feel slightly more able to enjoy the Ambien with him sitting by my side.

4
Anna Louisa
Jun 05, 2012

hahaha...welcome back! I'd be interested in hearing more about said bodyguard ;)

www.anna-bird.com

5
laura
Jun 05, 2012

so glad you're back! dying to hear more about kim kardashian ;)

6
Alison Presley
Jun 05, 2012

This is like that scene from Bridesmaids! You were sitting next to the AIR MARSHALL!

Welcome back, or should I say in the-faux-British-that-Americans-think-you-guys-speak, Pip pip tally ho jolly good, old chap!

7
Julie
Jun 05, 2012

Yay, you're back! I can't wait to hear all about London during the Jubilee. And about that Kardashian bitch.

8
Kathryn
Jun 05, 2012

Welcome back! I had been furiously checking your blog for what seems like an ETERNITY waiting for this day...figured you had some really bad reaction to your new haircut and decided to cut us all loose. Look forward to hearing the stories!

9
Hayley
Jun 05, 2012

I can hardly wait to hear more...i hope you jet lag is over soon!!!

10
RubySongbird
Jun 05, 2012

Glad you're back! And that you had the best seat mate ever. Tell us more!

11
A
Jun 05, 2012

Welcome back. We missed you! Look forward to hearing your London adventures.

12
Kristin
Jun 05, 2012

Ha - I had the exact same thought at Pretzel Thief (extended blog absences are apparently *also* how rumors get started!). Welcome back!

13
Karoons
Jun 05, 2012

You left London just in time. I can't decide which I am more sick of. The Queen's face or the sodding rain.

14
Emma
Jun 05, 2012

Nothing beats coming home with a suitcase full of Cadbury's!! Welcome back.

15
rebecca
Jun 05, 2012

Every time I come here I expect a pregnancy announcement!

16
Megan
Jun 05, 2012

I leave for London on Friday!! It's my first time! Any tips/advice is welcomed. :)

17
Erika
Jun 05, 2012

Wow! You have some really cool adventures.

18
Erin
Jun 05, 2012

I just read Roberto willbe the next bachelor. I am not complaining!

19
Nothing But Bonfires
Jun 05, 2012

Megan: Have a great time! I put together a London guide here, which you might find helpful: http://nothingbutbonfires.com/travel-guides/london-travel-guide

20
honeypops
Jun 06, 2012

TELL ME MORE

21
Leah P.
Jun 06, 2012

hahahaha what a fabulous post! I came across your blog through pinterest and can't get enough! Thanks for cheering up my Wednesday

22
Heather B.
Jun 06, 2012

I feel the need to publicly state that I did NOT think that you were about to announce your pregnancy.

23
Marcheline
Jun 06, 2012

I also did NOT think you were about to announce your pregnancy. Not remotely.

24
Kim
Jun 06, 2012

I, for one, did not expect a pregnancy announcement, but that is because I follow you on instagram. (wonderful photos btw)

25
Kris
Jun 07, 2012

Glad you're not dead! And tell us more!

26
wendi
Jun 07, 2012

My 17 year old daughter and I are going to London for the very first time in 25 days! I'm so excited and I know it'll be an absolutely magical trip. I just wish so so so so much you could come with us. We have a free day one day and really wanted to go to Paris on the eurostar but then discovered it was going to be nearly $700 for the two of us!! so, do you have a recommendation for a 'don't miss this while you're in London" activity or location we should visit?

27
Wendi
Jun 08, 2012

Im a dork. I just saw your post with the guide link. Thanks!

28
PetitPixel
Jun 10, 2012

Whilst we're on The Bachelor...is anyone else also sick of the Bachelor's (ettes) being recycled previous contestants?? When are they going to get someone new? Send them that card Holly!! (I also secretly want to know what secrets he knows about the celebs :)

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31
Gloriana
May 18, 2016

That's a slick answer to a chgenllaing question

A piece of erudition unlike any other!

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