About That Pantsless Woman

First of all, thank you so much for all the lovely comments on the recent craziness that befell me, and thank you also for agreeing that it was kind of crazy. I didn't mean to suggest that it was going to stop me ever posting pictures again or anything, though; I mean, I haven't even shown you my living room makeover yet! Let's just hope that if anyone steals those pictures, it's, like, Oprah or something. I could be okay with Oprah stealing my living room.

(I would not actually be okay with Oprah stealing my living room. Mostly because she is really fancy and the majority of my stuff is from Overstock.com, which would kind of be a rude awakening for her, but also because that is one legal team I would not want to battle with. I would just be all, fine Oprah, have my living room. You're right, it's totally yours. I must be mistaken. I'll just go move into this ditch.)

Speaking of recent craziness befalling me, if you had been wondering about the mysterious dirt piles on our front lawn, here is an update: they actually stopped appearing the minute you'd all convinced me it was gophers and I'd gone out and bought a thirty-dollar lawn pole that drives them away with high-pitched sounds. (I know someone told me to poison them and someone else told me to drown them, but I just....I couldn't. Despite both options costing approximately twenty-eight dollars less than the pole that emits high-pitched sounds, I am a bleeding heart liberal living in bleeding heart liberal San Francisco, and last week I was late for something because I was trying to open a jammed window in my house to let a fly out, because he was stuck in the part between the frame and the blind and I didn't want him to die while I was out.)

So the minute I slapped down my credit card for the pole that emits high-pitched sounds—like, I am pretty sure, the EXACT minute; they must have been operating with walkie-talkies or something—the dirt piles stopped appearing in our front yard. Considering these dirt piles had shown up for the exact week my in-laws were in town and staying with us, I naturally assumed first of all that it was a jealous ex-girlfriend of Sean's trying to make me look like a bad homemaker.* (*I didn't really think this at all.) Then I decided it was probably just my in-laws themselves.** (**I didn't really think this either.)

But then—then!—after a respite of maybe a few weeks, we saw two new piles on the front lawn this evening when we got home from the gym.

"Well, crap," I said to Sean. "Looks like it's time to start using that pole that emits high-pitched sounds."

He gestured over to the flowerbed, where I saw the tip of the pole that emits high-pitched sounds.

"Actually," he said. "We started using it yesterday."


So wait, what? Come again? The pole that emits high-pitched sounds is now bringing the gophers to our yard? Do we have some kind of Milkshake-type situation going on here?

Is the pole that emits high-pitched sounds actually acting as some kind of alert to the gophers that there's a big party going on at Holly and Sean's? Two-for-one specials on petunias? A free snapdragon for every three snapdragons you behead? Have we just invested thirty dollars in what is essentially AN OPEN FACEBOOK INVITATION TO EVERY GOPHER IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD?

Or maybe the dirt piles aren't from gophers at all. Me, I've always been convinced it's the weird neighbor from across the street, who likes to get drunk, smash bottles, and dance in her driveway with a broom. A few days ago, she was wandering outside with no pants on—don't worry, British friends, she was wearing pants pants, thank goodness, just no trousers—and relentlessly massacring the neighbor's bougainvillea tree.

When she rang our doorbell, asked if she could come in, was summarily turned down (you think?), yelled at me to fry in hell, and then started....well, molesting our car—I'm sorry, there is no other word for it, although Sean did use "humping" on the phone with the 911 dispatcher, whose professionally stifled laughter even I could hear through the receiver—I offered up a silent apology to the poor, accused gophers. Because she's our perp, I think.

Still, innocent until proven guilty and all that, which is why Sean came home yesterday to find me crouched on the floor of the hallway, holding my iPhone up to the window with my head ducked down, trying to film her grabbing handfuls of our across-the-street neighbor's foliage and posting it through their mailbox. Yes, she was grabbing handfuls of our across-the-street neighbor's foliage and posting it through their mailbox. I don't even know what is happening in my life anymore.

Filed Under:
Pretzel Thief
Aug 03, 2011

Wow, what a charmer.


Sorry you had to deal with all that, Holly. Stupid Pantsless Woman!

Also, I never thought I'd hear the phrase "molesting our car", but...here we are. Hee! May all this crazyish stuff cease post-haste!

Aug 03, 2011

Wow. your neighbors are way more interesting than mine. :)

Aug 03, 2011

Most of the time I want to have a life similar to yours (I mean, not like steal your life creepiness that just went on - I have my own pictures, and sorry about that mess for you) but as in "it would be nice to have a cute house that I could fix up with a good wallcolor and contrasting trim instead of this stupid rental apartment in NYC" and then I read something like this and think...maybe the neighbors would be batsh*t crazy and I am just as well staying where people keep to themselves (and I don't have to mow the lawn). It's an interesting life you lead.

Aug 03, 2011

WHERE DO YOU LIVE? It sounds amazingly entertaining. Wow.

amy s (OH)
Aug 03, 2011

It sounds like you are living in a Twilight Zone episode.

Aug 03, 2011

Wow... I live across the street from a social services agency that literally buses in homeless folks from across the city twice a day for soup kitchen and I have NEVER witnessed that level of crazy on my street. I'm pulling for your snapdragons!

Aug 03, 2011

I used to live next to crazies in our starter home. Now I live in a delightful neighborhood where we play BUNCO instead of meeting at the police station. I can't tell you how much better it is. At our old house the crazy man got foreclosed on. With the state of the economy is this a possibility?

Good luck with the loon.

Aug 03, 2011

And now you know why the house was for sale. lol

Aug 03, 2011

You have to set up a nannycam late at night in some upper corner of your house outside and have it record. Make sure it's able to download the results (aka not just stuck on the tape in the cam itself) so you can present it to her (put on a CD, sent by certified mail of course) and if that doesn't work, take her to small claims for like $1500. That'll get her attention. I mean, those dirt piles no doubt cost you guys time and $ in addition to any grass you have to replant.

Glad you got the whole stolen identity thing figured out!

Amy --- Just A Titch
Aug 03, 2011

Ah, San Francisco, you never fail to impress me with your crazy.

Aug 03, 2011

And NOW you know exactly why the last people moved from that home... Hope you got it for a steal :)

At least there is a constant supply of blog-fodder, if you ever feel writer's block.

Aug 03, 2011

Please invest in a camera. It's for your own protection!

Aug 03, 2011

HAPPY AUGUST! ;) Hope the rest of it goes a little more normally for you!

Aug 03, 2011

Life sure is entertainingly-mysterious in that neighbourhood of yours. Oh yeah,I had it all wrong until I read the pants pants-trousers paragraph!:-)

Aug 03, 2011

I am catching up now, and POSITIVELY BAFFLED by all of this. First, I am so sorry about The Crazy. That is ... crazy. And very Catfish, really.

But now this woman stuffing ... handfuls of leaves in someone else's mailbox? Humping your car? Digging up your yard? I don't even know what to say, but my eyes are AOOOGA.

Aug 03, 2011

I am catching up now, and POSITIVELY BAFFLED by all of this. First, I am so sorry about The Crazy. That is ... crazy. And very Catfish, really.

But now this woman stuffing ... handfuls of leaves in someone else's mailbox? Humping your car? Digging up your yard? I don't even know what to say, but my eyes are AOOOGA.

Aug 03, 2011

While I recall there being many many many people who declared that gophers had no hand (paw?) in this, I don't think anyone predicted THIS. Holy snapdragons!!!!!!!!!!!

And how much would we love even an audio recording of that front door conversation!?!?

SF Reader
Aug 03, 2011

Seriously? I thought the Sunset was all boring and residential and car-humping-pantless-lady free. I've always thought those kind of shenanigans were reserved for the Tenderloin, certain parts of the Mission and the "Central Market" section of SoMA, where my office is daily surrounded by really friendly crackheads. Shows what I know! I think we are going to need more info on this lady. Is she mentally ill? Or just a serious drug addict? How old is she? Does she own her home or rent? Details, please!

Aug 03, 2011

Wow! I would definitely be installing a security system if I were you. For safety and evidence possibly. We moved into our house with a crazy neighbor next door and I caught him on camera and off doing all sorts of unneighborly things. He was the "caregiver" of the old guy who actually owned the home and the cops were called out numerous times for the first couple of years we lived here and finally this "character" was escorted out. He was CRAZY soup! And I'm sure that the previous owners installed our surveillance system soley due to that whacko (and it's also probably why they really moved out). Hope things get a little less interesting in your life soon...

Aug 03, 2011

Okay, for the last time... if it was gophers, THERE WOULD BE HOLES. BIG ONES. Holes big enough to put a flashlight into. Holes big enough to put a hose down into. If there are no corresponding holes where the dirt CAME OUT OF, there are. No. Gophers.

It's like science. Things fall off a table because of the pull of gravity. OK, and because you set them too close to the edge. If a gopher, who is underground, is digging up piles of dirt into your yard, it must be removed from under the ground via a hole. Unless these gophers are from Hogwarts and they are using little gopher wands.

No holes? No gophers...

Aug 03, 2011

Okay, so my husband and I are actually considering buying a lovely house in the Sunset, but now I am thinking that perhaps we should not bid so hastily. Or maybe I should just make sure that the people across the street are in the habit of keeping their pants on.

Nothing But Bonfires
Aug 03, 2011

Marcheline, exactly, that's always been my argument. Because yes, there are no holes. But I raised this with someone and they said that apparently the gophers, like, tunnel the dirt back into the holes so you can't see them? At this point, I am having way more conversations about gophers than I ever dreamed I would have.

Also, everyone else, I feel I must stress how lovely my neighborhood is otherwise, and by "lovely" I actually mean really quiet and residential and not-wacky. This is NOTHING compared to where we used to live in the Tendernob (where, if you recall, I saw a man defecating in the street, a dude hiding heroin in our intercom box, and enough naked people to last me a lifetime.)

Aug 03, 2011

OH MY WORD! (I am so thankful for my nice, normal neighbors right now!!)


Oh, San Francisco.


Aug 03, 2011

In her defense, bougainvillea is an evil, evil plant with evil, sharp, garden-glove piercing thorns and evil leaf-dropping habits and probably plots to take over the world. We got sick of herding our 2 year old away from its corner and losing blood while trimming it back. So we ripped that stupid bush out. It took hours. My grandmother (who used to own this house and probably planted it herself) would likely weep if we told her, but we're keeping it on the DL and she's not visiting us from the assisted-living place any time soon.

Aug 03, 2011

Holly... think... if they "tunneled the dirt back into the holes"... then there wouldn't be piles of dirt on your lawn, would there?

It will all be okay. Just get hold of some of whatever your car-humping neighbor is smoking...

Camels & Chocolate
Aug 03, 2011

I mean with all the insanity in your life, you'd think you moved INTO the Tenderloin, not out of it.

Then again, I've never laughed so hard at your blog as the last month's worth of posts, so maybe there's something to the madness (aka ongoing blog fodder)? =)

Aug 04, 2011

Photos of your redecorated living room sound wonderful and all, but personally, I'd prefer to see the neighbor hump your car. I feel dirty for saying that, but it's the truth.

Aug 04, 2011

^ snort - what Karly Said...for real

yours truly, melissa
Aug 04, 2011

What?! Hahahaha! The dispatcher laughed at your husband! But what else could do? Where were her pants? Did she hump your car because you wouldn't let her in?

I'm laughing out loud. Literally.

Aug 04, 2011

You. Are. So. Hilarious. I'm so glad Karen Walrond mentioned you on Twitter because it means I've found a new favorite blog. :)

Aug 04, 2011

i had a drunk neighbor once-- she wore cotton candy body spray and dressed like stevie nicks. you were smart not to let her into your home-- i wish you could go back and warn 22 year old me not to do the same. we had to ignore nightly knocks on our door for weeks after we let her in and when she realized that we weren't going to let her in she threw our doormat in the dumpster.

Aug 05, 2011

Molested your car? That is insane. The image of your neighbour attacking the streets flowers is even crazier for me. What does she have against poor innocent and beautifully planted flowers??

I had a crazy neighbour, and the first time I met him was when he gestured to my beagle, burped in my face and said "he's such a beautiful dog", then he leered closer and practically whispered "would be such a shame if anything happened to him". I took the hint, and stopped charlie's barking by getting a second beagle.... Fast forward 4 years, and he asked if he could borrow both my beagles for his family portrait, as in, take them to the park to pose with his children in their official family portrait. When i said no, he asked if they could take the photo in their yard, so i would be more comfortable with the idea. I surprisingly declined again.

He moved out six months ago, and our new neighbours arrived shortly after. Two nights ago, three police cars and a paddy wagon arrived to escort three of my neighbours to lock up, over a fight involving a woman and a protein bar, judging by the screams from the house party at 1am on a Wednesday night. I am not making this up. My point is, your car-molesting, plant-hacking neighbor might be bad, but she can always be trumped by a new crazy neighbour, or even worse, neighbours who play samoan hip hop christmas carrols at midnight, mid week.... In AUGUST!! beware!!

Aug 05, 2011

What a crazy lady! Whenever she's in your yard, blast her with the waterhose till she leaves!

Nothing But Bonfires
Aug 05, 2011

Arnah, I am dying of laughter. I guess the lesson here is that it could always be worse...

Susan Davis
Aug 05, 2011

Wow. crazy sauce...

So the question is, DID you get it on video? And when can we all see it?

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