On The Upside, I'm Not Particularly Scared Of Spiders

I have a decent number of irrational fears---falling asleep and never waking up again; being pushed onto the train tracks by an uhinged stranger at the last second before the train comes; wooden spoons---but at the top of my list of Things That Scare Me, No Matter How Illogical is that I will one day get mixed up with a drug kingpin who wrongly thinks I owe him money.

Let me first state, for the record, that there is no situation in my life, current or otherwise, that would ever lead to me running in the same circles as a drug kingpin. I am as bookish and straitlaced as they come: I get nervous when I accidentally put something that should have been composted into the recycling bin, for goodness sake. I do not know any drug kingpins, nor do I know anyone who knows anyone who knows anyone who knows any drug kingpins. I live a pretty drug-kingpin-free life, as far as I can tell.

But this doesn't stop me from cringing away from the screen and cowering into my pillow whenever anyone on TV is in the same peril. Like the episode of Friday Night Lights two weeks ago, for instance, when that drug dealer tells Vince he owes him five thousand bucks, or like pretty much any episode of The Wire. My stomach was in knots for the entirety of Pineapple Express, and I think I have been permanently scarred by that 90s movie Go, with Katie Holmes. (Did anyone else in the universe even see that?)

It is such a ridiculous thing to be scared of, particularly when there are far more likely and logical things to fear, but yes, there it is: my name is Holly and I am irrationally scared of getting accidentally mixed up with a drug kingpin who wrongly thinks I owe him money, leaves severed cats' heads on my doorstep with notes reading "NEXT TIME YOURS," and corners me in dark alleyways to tell me I've got until Friday to come up with the cash. Me, in my little house in the not-cool part of San Francisco, with my quinoa in the pantry! 

I cannot be the only one with an irrational fear though, right? Tell me yours and we'll laugh at how ridiculous we both are.

91
Kerry
Jun 08, 2011

Little things all together:

Poppy seeds.
Honeycomb.
Soap bubbles, which are made up of millions of other tiny bubbles.
Lotus seed pods.

SO. GROSS. Anything like that totally makes me physically sick.

92
Charise
Jun 08, 2011

I can't think of any irrational fears - just rational. Like, I live in the midwest and I've always been terrified of tornadoes. My husband has a couple though:

1) Spiders. We do have an issue every spring/summer with smallish, harmless spiders that kill all the other insects. But he will practically unmake the bed each night to check for hiding spiders that might bite/crawl on him during the night.

2) Locking the door. Even though we have a habit of locking it behind us when we enter. Right after getting into bed (you know, unmaking and then remaking the bed enough to crawl under the blankets), he will get paranoid that we didn't lock it, even if he just watched me check it or checked it himself a few minutes prior. And will often get BACK up to go look.

93
Kelly
Jun 08, 2011

Oh I love this post and the comments.

Like you I have a very weird fear of being pushed onto the BART tracks from behind. But with that I also have a bizarre fear of JUMPING into the BART tracks for some reason. In fact, I have to stand away from the platform because I am afraid by thinking about it, I will somehow accidentally do it.

94
edj
Jun 08, 2011

unidentified psycho stranger shoving me in front of the train, or off the sidewalk into traffic, or off a cliff--doesn't matter! That's my fav. How fun that so many people have it too! We should form a club and have meetings, someplace far away from train stations, cliffs, and curbs. Perhaps in the middle of field?

95
Aoife
Jun 08, 2011

I have the same fear of an unhinged stranger pushing me onto rail tracks, but even more so I worry about an unhinged strange man lifting me up and throwing me off the side of a bridge or over the railings that line the riverbanks where I live. I would end up swimming around in freezing cold water and I wouldn't be able to *not* be lifted because I'm a small, weak, light girl.

Also I really hate walking under road signs, particularly the big metal signs that have directions for all the major roads/airport/city centre etc. I am convinced that *just* as I walk under the sign, some day it will fall down like a guillotine and land right on top of my head, slitting it down the middle.

96
hypnomoon
Jun 08, 2011

My weird fear is that a crazy person will hurt or try to kill me. Odd thing is, I am constantly seeing these odd folks wherever I go. =O

97
kelliegonzo
Jun 09, 2011

completely irrational and bizarre-o, but i hate mustard more than words can say. i have a fear that one day it will get all over me and stain my skin and i will be forced to smell it and see the yucky yellow forever.

also, i always fudge up when dialing the phone. i have a reoccurring dream that i will have to dial a phone number in a life-or-death situation and will keep messing it up over and over and i'll somehow die because of it. *EEP*

98
BlesstheFunk
Jun 09, 2011

I am way late, but still, this is such a great list and I would like to offer my own small contribution:

1. I cannot have my toes or any part of my body hanging over the side of the bed. No way, ever. This stems from a childhood fear that there were horrible dwarfs (not monsters a la Calvin and Hobbes) that would reach out and grab my ankles, to pull me under into the dark and horrible underworld. The End.

2. I am always afraid that some animal, probably a rat or snake, will come out of the toilet and bite me when I sit down. On my Butt! or my lady parts! I have a hard time sitting on a toilet in the dark. Yes, there have been moments where this was the scenario. I once saw a video of a rat coming up in a toilet bowl, climbing onto the rim, and then shaking itself dry on the seat, and this just freaked me OUT. Therefore, EW.

3. Burglars coming to get me. As may of you, I am so afraid that horrible men will break in and try to kill us/me. We moved from an appartment in a very small German village to a house in California, and I had a hard time adjusting to the ACCESSABILITY of our new place: 2 doors, 2 French windows, eveything so flimsy... AHH! It has gotten better, but I still have a plan: Get. Out. Exit through the bedroom French window and RUN. This will become less feasible the larger I become. Darn pregnancy (KIDDING). When baby arrives, I'll need a whole new set of escape routes. I bet I'll have a whole new set of fears as well.

99
Willow
Jun 09, 2011

reading through some of the others before mine, i was reminded of some of mine!
i am afraid of cows - regular old, everyday farm cows. once when i was in HS i was walking past a cow pasture and as i walked along, the cows, in a sort of wave, would look up at me. very freaky. my parents also live on a cattle ranch and one day i swear the cows all stopped eating at the fence, looked up at me and hollered! seriously. i was not the only one there and others have confirmed what happened. i dont know why they dislike me so since i dont even eat red meat but they do.
i am also afraid of small fish touching me when snorkeling - i began hyperventilating once in cancun because a small blue fish took shelter under my belly and swam with me. apparently, i thought it was going to shock me or something!
my greatest unfounded fear - prison. i am terrified of prison. and i am not a law breaker. rarely do i even speed!
when my son (now 10) was a baby, i would not go out on a balcony with him bc i was terrified i would drop him over the edge. i would not even go close to the doors to the patio..... since i dont really carry him around anymore, this fear resolved itself though still largely unfounded at the time.

100
Becky
Jun 19, 2011

I am afraid that someone is in the bushes watching through the kitchen window when I do the dishes at night. No, just the kitchen window. And only when I'm doing the dishes. Do you realize how many movies feature this exact scene that leads to something horrible for the person doing the dishes?! This is such a visceral fear that I keep a large gnome (as gnomes ago) on my window sill. My tactic here is less that the 12-inch garden ornament will ward off peeping-toms. He is facing inside so that any time I catch him looking in, I'm reminded of how silly I am being. His name is Tom.

101
medical-x-ray
Jun 22, 2011

Excellent article!

102
Oakley Sunglasses Sale
Jun 25, 2011

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