Midnight in the Garden Of Good and Evilly Delicious Pulled Pork Sandwiches

There is pretty much only one rule when you're traveling and it is this: don't wear new shoes.

So what did I do for this trip to Savannah? I bought new shoes. And then I wore them. On my feet. For twelve hours. I thought I was doing myself a favor, see, switching out those gold flipflops that ruined my feet in Paris for these bad boys from Target but man, was I wrong. I don't know who reviewer "Idy Hawk" is and who bribed her to write "I have done alot of walking in this sandal and it is very comfortable" but I hope that a) they paid her a lot of money, b) she'll use that money to take a grammar class that explains that "a lot" is two words, and c) her feet turn purple and fall off for lying about how comfortable these shoes are.

Or maybe they're just comfortable on her feet. On mine, the strap on the back slips off every three steps, so I tighten it to keep it on my foot, and then the buckle digs into my ankle in two separate places, so then I loosen it and the strap on the back slips off every three steps, so I tighten it and.......yeah, you get where this is going.

I'm so sorry, original gold flipflops. Fedex yourself to mama by tomorrow morning and all will be forgiven.

So anyway, I'm in Savannah. I flew here Tuesday morning for work, after my cab was late, the plane was delayed, and I accidentally gave the woman at the gate an expired Groupon for a local garden center instead of my boarding pass. "Ma'am, I can't accept this," she said, and I had a wild and momentary panic that I was on some awful no-fly list somewhere, before I looked down, realized my mistake, and gave her the right document instead. On the plane, on the aisle of a row of three seats, I chanted The Frequent Traveler's Prayer as the other passengers filed on. Oh, you don't know The Frequent Traveler's Prayer? I just made it up and it goes like this:

Please please please please please please please please please please please plesase please please please please please please let nobody be sitting in this middle seat.

You can mutter it under your breath or chant it in your head until one of two things happens: either the flight attendant announces that the aircraft doors are now closed---at which point you may sigh with relief, turn to your neighbor on the window and exchange a smug smirk and/or fistbump, depending on his or her age and your feelings on fistbumping strangers in public---or the flight attendant announces that it's a completely full flight, at which point you may wish to switch to The Frequent Traveler's Prayer (Amended) which goes like this:

Okay then. But please please please please please please please please please please please plesase please please please please please please let him be cute.

I got a pretty cute one, as it turns out. Unfortunately, he also turned out to be a Talker, and I will tell you this: I did not know that a floppy-haired, unshaven, hipster dude in his late 20s could have so many opinions on the Royal Wedding, that's for damn sure.

(His opening line, upon peering over at my Us Weekly: "Is that the princess? I really relate to her, on so many levels." Huh, really? Wait, you just married into a royal family too? Well, holy guacamole, what are the chances!)

My two other favorite moments during that plane journey were:

a) Seeing the septugenarian gentleman in front of me pick up his wife's OK! magazine from her seat pocket and read it intently from cover to cover (paying particular attention, it must be noted, to the page where a nutrionist looked at everything Kim Kardashian had eaten one day and analysed its caloric content), and:

b) When the woman behind me---whose husband, I should mention, was wearing a Charlie Sheen Tour 2011 baseball cap---returned to her seat three seconds after leaving for a trip to the lavatory to ask her husband to hand over her shoes. "Why?" he asked.

"Well," she said, "the left bathroom is flooded with pee and the right one has someone in it who sounds like he's dying."

Reader, I ask you: how did her shoes help in this situation? Did she really use them to navigate the bathroom that was flooded with pee, which would be the more logical (and more disgusting) assumption, even though there were two completely different bathrooms at the back of the plane she could have used instead? Or did she think outside the box a little and use her shoes to hammer on the door of the one that contained someone who sounded like he was dying, which would be a fairly admirable display of civic duty, if not a little alarming for the poor person inside who probably would die at that point---of shock, obviously---if he hadn't already died of whatever he was dying of in the first place.

These are the things that keep me up at night. Well, that and the three hour time difference. And the enormous pulled pork sandwich I wolfed down a little earlier. Which reminds me: I should go to bed. You stay up and keep puzzling it out on those shoes.

Filed Under:
1
AC
May 18, 2011

TMI: I almost peed myself laughing. I so needed this after this long day. Thank you for this.
I don't comment very often but I read your blog religiously.
Savannah is lovely. It's amongst my favourite cities in the US (the others are NYC, San Francisco, Charleston). I know, what are the odds?

2
NodToStyle
May 18, 2011

oh the ol' travel prayer. i know it well. i have had such bad luck with seat mates that i can't even watch the people coming down the aisle, it's just to stressful ;)

3
Camels & Chocolate
May 18, 2011

I'm still stuck on the part where you of all people trusted an online reviewer without impeccable grammar. The "alot" should have been a telltale sign that her review was all wrong.

4
Tim McMurdo
May 19, 2011

I love Savannah and hope you have a great trip. The best seafood is at Loves Seafood. Thank you for the great laugh first thing in the morning.

5
Heather
May 19, 2011

When I entered my thirties, I embraced the various ailments that have afflicted my poor feet (bunions, stress fractures, no arches, etc.) and just started buying Clarks sandals. Yes, some are hideous. But I scored a pretty cute pair of flip flops with cushy bottoms that allowed me to survive 10 days of constant walking on the streets of Oahu recently. With a good pedicure, I even think they look sort of not old ladyish.

6
Thespian Libby
May 19, 2011

Oh I needed this laughter to start my day! Thanks!

7
stickyheels
May 19, 2011

Despite their somewhat geratric appearance, these can be quite cute and are found in a variety of colors...and are (I can attest and so can many others if you google) good "walking" shoes: http://www.amazon.com/Saltwater-Sandals-by-Hoy-Sandal/dp/B004S856PE

Saltwater Sandals - they're super oldschool and only cost around $35/pair! You probably neither want nor need this advice but here I am at 9:03 am dealing it out. Enjoy this beautiful day in Savannah! If you happen to walk by the fountain in Lafayette Square - thats where my husband proposed to me! Wheeee...!

8
Jan Ross
May 19, 2011

I know you don't want to hear this, but when I know I have to do a lot of walking I pull out my trusty tennis shoes. Totally make me look like a tourist but I finally got tired of blisters from all those cute flats and sandals. Also, I'm going to be in Savannah/Tybee Island this summer, so what about that sandwich?

9
Nothing But Bonfires
May 19, 2011

Jan Ross -- the sandwich was from the Crab Shack on Tybee. It's not just for crab! Delicious pulled pork, with a very mustardy sauce. Highly recommended!

10
Jennifer
May 19, 2011

Airplane travel is so glamourous these days, isn't it?

So, if you don't mind embracing your inner frump in a hipster kind of way, check these out: http://xhref.com/117f58

You feet will thank you.

And oh yes, you are hilarious.

11
Corey
May 19, 2011

I have to ask this - why would that woman have gone to the bathroom without her shoes in the first place? Never, ever, ever, ever in a million years would going to a public bathroom barefoot sound like a good idea. I'm so troubled by this thought.

12
Kate (and Ben)
May 19, 2011

Since you're in Savannah, please please please promise me you will eat at The River House by the riverwalk. Best Food Ever--try their bisque (among other marvelous menu items is the seafood duo). And if you stop by Tybee Island, email me and I'll let you in on the tiniest most amazing best-kept secret dining quite possibly in the whole wide world. (It's so very fantastic and secret I refuse to type it out on your very public blog...that's how good it is.)
-K

13
PinkieBling
May 19, 2011

Such a great post, from title to close. There is nothing quite like traveling for having Crazy People Encounters. Also, I'm with Corey - that barefoot lady is extremely troubling.

14
Amy
May 19, 2011

I second Corey's comment. I will wondering all day why this woman had to retrieve her shoes. Her shoes should have been on her feet. It's a plane for Pete's sake, not a beach.

15
Krysta
May 19, 2011

Wait, why didn't she have her shoes on to go to the bathroom the first go around?!

16
Valery
May 19, 2011

I have decided that you should write a book. It seems obvious, and since you're brilliant you may already be working on one, but just in case, it needed to be said. Thank you.

17
aimee
May 19, 2011

Oh, how we suffer for fashion and gold shoes! I'm not going to offer any advice on the comfy shoe front because I am stubbornly terrible at taking my own advice on that issue, and also because I'd probably just say you should get those glittery gold Tom's, which likely doesn't help at all because despite being ridiculously comfortable to the point of being like slippers that are socially acceptable to wear in public they are not even remotely like sandals. Wow, how's that for a run-on?

I was cracking up at the "alot" bit... Have you ever seen this amazing cartoon from Hyperbole and a Half? http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/04/alot-is-better-than-you-at... I can' help but think of whenever I see someone write "alot" now and it makes me laugh, which is probably an improvement over my previous reaction of getting inordinately angry when I see improper grammar...

18
Susan H.
May 19, 2011

Although those Target sandals are very cute, I would always be leery of wearing any faux leather shoes for extensive walking.

19
Mandy
May 19, 2011

Savannah is one of my favorite places in the world! My husband and I were engaged there, so it's our Rome. If you have the time, try Vic's on the River. It's so fantastic, the fried green tomatoes are the best in town and we have to eat there every time we are in town. Enjoy!

20
Kristin
May 19, 2011

I LOVE Savannah. So much so that I got married there (in the same month and place as Grace Bonney of Design Sponge, though I'll freely admit my wedding wasn't half as cute as hers). I don't know if you're still in Savannah, or even looking for restaurant recs - but if the answers to those two questions are yes, then I have great news for you! My favorites for lunch in the Historic District are Soho South (12 W Liberty - you'll love it, I promise) and Mrs. Wilkes (107 W Jones - but go early to avoid the crowd, and definitely skip breakfast beforehand). If you are able to go a little further afield, I can't recommend The Laughing Boar in Guyton highly enough.

21
Kristin
May 19, 2011

I LOVE Savannah. So much so that I got married there (in the same month and place as Grace Bonney of Design*Sponge, though I'll freely admit my wedding wasn't half as cute as hers). I don't know if you're still in Savannah, or even looking for restaurant recs - but if the answers to those two questions are yes, then I have great news for you! My favorites for lunch in the Historic District are Soho South (12 W Liberty - you'll love it, I promise) and Mrs. Wilkes (107 W Jones - but go early to avoid the crowd, and definitely skip breakfast beforehand). If you are able to go a little further afield, I can't recommend The Laughing Boar in Guyton highly enough.

22
Kristin
May 19, 2011

I LOVE Savannah. So much so that I got married there (in the same month and place as Grace Bonney, though I'll freely admit my wedding wasn't half as cute as hers). I don't know if you're still in Savannah, or even looking for restaurant recs - but if the answers to those two questions are yes, then I have great news for you! My favorites for lunch in the Historic District are Soho South (12 W Liberty - you'll love it, I promise) and Mrs. Wilkes (107 W Jones - but go early to avoid the crowd, and definitely skip breakfast beforehand). If you are able to go a little further afield, I can't recommend The Laughing Boar in Guyton highly enough.

23
Ellyn
May 19, 2011

I'm also with Corey. I used to sleep walk a lot, and still do when very stressed. So when I was a college Freshmen, I did this a lot. One night, I woke up at about 2am, found myself sitting in my skimpy pj's in the hall, and I suddenly knew that I had been in the bathroom - the big one the whole floor shared - barefoot! Gross! Never go barefoot in a public restroom! Never!

24
Jeannie
May 19, 2011

I am with Corey. Who goes to a public bathroom without shoes in the first place?

25
Roxanna (miguelina)
May 20, 2011

The travel prayer is one I know very well. However, I never ever get a cute guy in the middle seat. I know yours was a little emo, but consider yourself lucky!

26
Alicia C.
May 21, 2011

I too, am with Corey. No shoes? For an airplane bathroom? I love Savannah! I hope you are enjoying it and not melting in the humidity.

27
Sarah
May 23, 2011

Holly! Please tell me where you had this wonderful pulled pork sandwich! I'm heading to Savannah this Sunday for my long overdue honeymoon (we have only been married almost 2 years now).

28
kelly.
May 24, 2011

oh i know this traveler's prayer... and it usually ends with me breathing a sigh of relief as the aisle clears... only to have a late arrival plop down beside me. already drunk. or extremely chatty. on a red-eye. i am a lucky person that way.
have fun in savannah!

29
Edith-Nicole
May 24, 2011

I read your blog and chuckle often. But holy crap the final anecdote about shoes vs. pee-flooded bathroom, dying lavatory user, et al, was hilarious. I busted out laughing in an inappropriate place. Thanks for being so clever.

30
Edith-Nicole
May 24, 2011

I read your blog and chuckle often. But holy crap the final anecdote about shoes vs. pee-flooded bathroom, dying lavatory user, et al, was hilarious. I busted out laughing in an inappropriate place. Thanks for being so clever.

31
jill
May 26, 2011

Wait, she wasn't wearing her shoes as she strolled down the aisle of an Airplane where hundreds, if not millions of people have walked on with their DIRTY shoes? ick. so so ick.

32
Sonya
Jun 03, 2011

You didn't elaborate on the pulled pork sandwich! You teased us in your title and left us salivating. I like your blog. :)

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