First of all, you should know that I struggled with whether to call this post "How to Plant a Herb Garden for $18" or "How to Plant an Herb Garden for $18," the former being far more natural to us Brits, seeing as we actually pronounce the "h" in herb. Why do we pronounce the "h" in herb, you ask? Well, if you'll excuse my language, I'd like to paraphrase the great Eddie Izzard: because there's a fucking "h" in it.
Anyway, the other day I was at Lowe's---this, by the way, is akin to a normal person saying "the other day I was in my kitchen," that's how much time I've spent at Lowe's over the last six months: it's basically just a part of my home now---and I spotted these sad little rose plants in very cheery little yellow pots. The rose plants were so sad, you guys. I mean, these rose plants had just found out that their wife was sleeping with the tennis coach, the roof had sprung a leak, and they owed the IRS fourteen thousand dollars in back taxes. They were pitiful. These rose plants were one Jack and Coke away from climbing up on stage and singing the blues with BB King and then regretting it in the morning.
And so naturally I bought them. Why? Well, because of the cheery yellow pots, of course! The cheery yellow pots were adorable and I knew I could find a use for them. They'd been marked down from $8.98 to $4 and finally Lowe's had just given up on them and slashed them again to $2, so I bought four of these sad rose plants in their cheery yellow pots for a grand total of eight bucks. Is that a bargain or what? Just to be sure, I checked out the other little pots in the garden aisle and the cheapest ones they had were around five dollars, and they weren't even cheery or yellow! So I made my way to the checkout with my self-proclaimed score, secure in the fact that I was---in the words of our very own national treasure Charlie Sheen---DUH, WINNING.
(Yes, it is very important to me to be winnning the very prestigious and well-known Who Can Buy The Cheapest Pots competition. Clearly I need to get out more, and not to Lowe's.)
When I got home, I salvaged the few respectable roses that were left---and we're talking only barely respectable, like maybe a hooker who only does it so she can give the money to charity, or that dress your mother let you wear to prom as long as you promised to relinquish all rights to a trust fund---and scattered them in little vintage juice glasses about my house.
Like here is one on my kitchen counter:
And here is one, a little worse for wear, on my desk:
Here is the same one on my desk, but hey, now check out my awesome collection of Sharpies:
Actually, check out my whole desk. Do you care what my desk looks like? It looks like this. This is where the magic happens, baby. And by "magic," I mean blog posts where I admit to a curious satisfaction at buying cheap plant pots and then use that Charlie Sheen quote everyone else was using two weeks ago.
The other thing I found in Lowe's while I was buying the sad two-dollar rose plants in the cheery yellow pots was a crazy good deal on herbs: you could get four for $10, and so I chose basil, rosemary, sage, and mint (for caprese salad, stew, butternut squash soup, and mojitos, respectively) and after I'd got home and disposed of the remains of the sad rose plants, I set about potting the herbs in their new cheery yellow pots.
And then I put them on my windowsill! In time, once we get the back yard sorted out, I'll take them out of the pots and replant them in the ground---probably not without watching a few dozen YouTube videos on how to do it first---but until then, I've got a makeshift herb garden right outside my kitchen window, and it makes me happy every time I remember it. Actually, we lost the basil to a rather sudden and severe hailstorm a few days ago, so I try not to think about that too much---RIP, basil, I shall pour out some MiracleGro for you---but the rest of them are doing okay so far, and three out of four ain't bad.