Things Men Shouldn't Wear

Putting it All Together

Far be it from me to pass judgment on what a person should wear---I’m the one who owns a pair of pointy hot pink heels, let’s remember, heels that a colleague recently asked if she could borrow “for an 80s party,” which I don’t think was meant as a direct insult, although one never knows---but I think we can all agree that there a few sartorial stylings in which no-one looks particularly good. We talked last week about things men wear that make us weak in the knees. Now let’s talk about things that make us throw-uppy in the mouth.

Man Capris
I don’t understand why men wear man capris—or manpris as I believe they’re called by those in the know. What, your legs are cold from the mid-calf down? Go trousers or go home, boys. Or just go shorts.

Pleated pants
Stop the needless suffering! There’s no reason for this! Old Navy was invented specifically to address this problem, I’m pretty sure. You can buy flat front khakis for, like, three bucks and a smile in there. Print out a coupon from the Internet and it’s two bucks and a grimace. Print out a coupon and use it in the back-to-school sale and they’ll pay you to take them away.

This one might be a little divisive, and truthfully I don’t abhor Crocs the way some people do, but at some point you’ve got to look down at the clunky red rubber clog on your foot and go there has to be something better than this. Hey guess what, there is. It’s called normal shoes.

Look, I’m not saying every man should be Ryan Cabrera---that dude has gone way too far in the pursuit of artfully tousled hair, landing somewhere more in the neighborhood of “recently electrocuted”---but I would argue, respectfully, that most men look better with their hair pushed up a little off their forehead than plastered down against it. Show me a handsome man with bangin’ bangs and I might retract this. Blagojevich, you are not allowed to email me again.

Drakkar Noir
Please no. Please.

Jun 03, 2010

I am with you on the croc's front - No man should ever wear crocs - infact no-one over the age of about 12 should wear them.
Not even Jared Leto.
Trust me - I have seen a picture of it, and it made me die a little inside.

Jun 03, 2010

May I be so bold as to add a couple?
Overalls (unless the man is a farmer or painter)
Cut off jeans
Pleated pants (I think it's worth repeating...)
Thank you for letting me get that off my chest...

Jun 03, 2010

May I add tank tops? Just NO. There is never any reason to see a man with skinny "straps" on a shirt such as a tank top. And also, any kind of woven shoe. Oh lordy, Drakkar Noir gives me bad flashbacks to high school, when some dude who had a locker at the beginning of Senior Hallway drenched himself in the stuff daily. GAG!

Jun 03, 2010

I'd like to add man-sandals, please. Not just any sandals (most are ok, really) but the chunky fake-leather man-sandals that weigh about a pound each and can only be found at places like Payless.

Jun 03, 2010

I love the additions. I would also add mesh shirts unless actively engaged in sports. And *here*here* on the overalls and tank-tops. Just say no!
But I like man-capris. Sometimes your ankles and lower calves just get a little too warm. I have a rock-climbing uncle in the Alps who wears them very well, so I may be biased.

Jun 03, 2010

HA! I instantly thought tank tops too... and the other day, I was getting my hair DID and my straight male stylist was wearing perfectly nice pants but he rolled them up to look like capris. I told him he couldn't touch my hair unitl he fixed that!

Jun 03, 2010

I agree with all of the crimes against fashion listed above, especially tank tops.

We've been having a bit of a heat wave over the past few weeks and I've seen far too many men wearing them lately.

Jun 03, 2010

I second the, no, no.

As for the man-capris, my brother-in-law wears them and they actually don't look terrible. But I think overall, no one should wear capris. they rarely look that great on women since they cut the leg off at the widest part of the calf.

The Bush League Cook
Jun 03, 2010

Was laughing out loud at this post! May I add: sweatpants.
They should just be burned.

Jun 03, 2010

I especially agree with the bangs. I found myself hoping last night that by the time our daughter is old enough to notice boys that the Justin Bieber look is out and the flannel shirt and Doc Martin look is back in.

(Of course my husband wears pleated pants but only because he's a little more gifted in the rear and thighs and straight cut pants can get a little obscene, which IMHO is worse than the pleats.)

Jun 03, 2010

I agree with whomever said tank tops. No man has ever looked good in a tank top.

Laura B.
Jun 03, 2010

All of these have been great, but I must add:

Socks with sandals.

Jun 03, 2010

I remember one of my first boyfriends wore Drakkar Noir. I loved it! The smell reminds me of a simpler time when I didn't have bills or children.

Jun 03, 2010

Okay, I need to come to the defense of my very sartorially advanced cyclist husband. Manpris are extremely popular in the cyclist community FOR A REASON. Sometimes it is too cold for shorts. But if you were pants, there is the terrifying possibility that your pant leg will get caught in the bike chain, ruining your pants, your day, and maybe your life. So. My guy wears what he calls "knickers." And I think it's okay. Right? Right? (Or am I just fooling myself???)

Jun 03, 2010

Oh, geez. Wear. Wear pants.

Jun 03, 2010

What. You sayin' you don't like Ken Burns' hair?

Jun 03, 2010

While studying abroad in Spain I had an eye for this hunky Sweedish boy with light blue eyes, blond hair and a vast collection of manpris (what I call man-capris). All these years later I realize it's best nothing ever happened between us because I'm sure the manpris would have been our eventual undoing.

Jun 03, 2010

I completely agree with your list. Despite knowing of your love for plaid, I just can't stand it. On anyone. It screams 90's to me, and although I wore plaid like crazy back then, ew. Not any more. It just looks bad.

I also agree with Laura B on the socks with sandals. Huge faux pas.

Jun 03, 2010

Thank you for providing me with a good laugh on my Thursday morning! I agree wholeheartedly with all of these. In fact, I just had a conversation with my husband about pleated pants. I have slowly removed them from his wardrobe, but he kept one pair and refuses to just let them die! I will win this war!

Locusts and Wild Honey
Jun 03, 2010

Only a gay man can rock the manpris.

May I also add: Free T-shirts from College Functions?

Still trying to break Nathan of this. They're always hidden under sweaters but STILL.

Jun 03, 2010

So would Crocs and capris at the same time cancel each other out to create an accessible ensemble?

FunnyGal KAT
Jun 03, 2010

Ha! As soon as I saw the title of your post, I thought, "Crocs." But I'm sort of biased because I think they are terrible and no one-- man, woman or child-- should wear them. (I know someone is going to refute my statement and talk about how comfortable they are, blah, blah, blah, but I still think they make people look like they have cartoon feet!)

Jun 03, 2010

Ah I'm so with you on all of these and all of the additions! I also agree with whoever said no one over the age of 12 for Crocs.. As I sit here with them on my feet.. But let me explain! I work in a bakery and my shoes get COATED with icing, sticky bun smear, flour, chocolate, sprinkles, seeds etc so I bought a pair of the closed ones (on clearance might I add!) just so at the end of the day I can hose my shoes off and get rid of the gunk. These shoes do not leave my car and are only worn in the parking lot to and from work, and work! Sorry, had to defend myself there!

Jun 03, 2010

Those pants that I always thought of as chef pants, but also saw weightlifters wearing. Baggy but also tapered ankle, often in print so hideous your grandma wouldn't wear it.

Fanny pack

Jun 03, 2010

i love this. seriously agree with everything. and ditto to whoever said man sandals. the BF loves to wear athletic shorts over the weekend as they are "comfy" but i hate the sports look 24/7 so i abhor him to wear normal know like basic khaki ones.

Jun 03, 2010

I also have a particular dislike for men wearing necklaces. In particular, yellow gold. But I really hate shell necklaces on men. Holy Ocean Pacific flash back!

Jun 03, 2010

I misread "recently electrocuted" and "reluctantly electrocuted" and I thought to myself, "Well, yes, I would think so!"

Formerly Gracie
Jun 03, 2010

I hate it when my son wears Crocs... and he's FOUR!

However, they are the only shoes he can put on and take off with minimal drama, so they have me there.

Saucepan Man
Jun 03, 2010

Bow ties (other than with a tux.) Such an affectation...

Jun 03, 2010

Hipster guys with really tight skinny jeans look awful. I call them Mantihose.

Jun 03, 2010

Awww, I'm torn on a few of these. My brother wears bowties and I think it looks great. He's a geeky architect and it fits his quirky personality. As for the tank tops- have none of you seen Eric on True Blood, played by Alexander Skarsgård??? That man should not be allowed to wear anything but those black tanks! Hot!

Jun 03, 2010

Ha! Mantihose! I am SO using that ASAP.

Is anyone else's husband oddly reluctant to part with hideous old styles? I had to surreptitiously throw away my husband's favorite polo shirt from high school, you know, the one with the DENIM COLLAR? Was that even popular in '97? Which is when he last wore it, I know, because it's immortalized in his senior picture! It's hard enough fighting bad NEW fashion, without having to deal with bad OLD fashion as well.

Jun 03, 2010

Urk. That is a badly constructed paragraph if I've ever read one. Sorry about that, folks!

Jill Hayes
Jun 03, 2010

I also agree with whomever said tank tops. No man has EVER looked good in a tank top.

Men,please don't wear them!

Jun 03, 2010

Just to take the Crocs thing one more step...any kind of man clogs! A friend of mine dated a guy who wore clogs and since then we have always used the term "man clogs" to refer to a guy's superficial flaws.

Jun 03, 2010

I would like to add mandals. And, also sweat pants in public. Ever.

Jun 03, 2010

I'm with you on the crocs; I had an English Lit prof. last semester who wore nothing BUT crocs. It was impossible to take anything he said seriously.

Jun 04, 2010

@Mia Please. I need a picture of that professor!

Jun 04, 2010

I do think Morten can still rock a sexy, tousled bang...even at 50. Gah!

Jun 04, 2010

I kind of like the capris on men. And my hubby looks so cute in his overalls when he is doing yard work.

Jun 04, 2010

fingernails.....I have several male colleagues with long nails and it kills me, especially when they start tapping on the table. I don't like long nails on women either, but can handle it (except for "french style" pedicures! GAH

Jun 04, 2010

Okay, my two cents:

1. JESUS SANDALS - they didn't even look good on Jesus.


- M

P.S. Holly, I've got a treasure hunt (with prize!) going on - come see!

Jun 04, 2010

Ok so I have to agree with the Alexander Skarsgård comment. I mean ooo wow but I think I am biased as I have a Swedish Fiance and think he looks good in tank tops too!!

What I hate though this belts with shorts like my boss wears cargo shorts with a brown leather belt to work, I find it very odd.

Also have to agree on sandals of any kinda on guys, just not my thing!

Jun 04, 2010

Sport jerseys when one is not playing the sport. My husband has a soccer jersey that he loves, and I keep trying to hide it.

Jun 04, 2010

@Blanche-my husband has the same problem!! He's got a bubble butt and only 1. hugely over-sized pants will cover it or 2. good old pleated pants. We stick to the pleats. Loose fit jeans work, but there's no such thing in dress pants...

Jun 04, 2010

I'm so with the no skinny jeans (mantihose - that's awesome!). It also drives me completely nuts when a guy will tuck his shirt in but not wear a belt... Don't know what that's about but I work with a bunch of engineers so needless to say I'm driven to the brink pretty regularly.

Jun 04, 2010

Rory Cochrane in "Empire Records" just the mention of good man bangs brings Lucas to life. But otherwise,just no!

Kate (and Ben)
Jun 05, 2010

So it doesn't seem as if you've got any readers from the South (or perhaps, from the non-urban south).
Along with agreeing with the tank tops, and the uber-hipster too tight plastered-on skinny jeans (which makes NO ONE'S butt look good) I'd like to throw in:

I mean, really. Even the Rock Star wore them when we first met and after I finally convinced him to do away with them forever, he now sees other dudes wearing them and asks me how I ever stood it with him. (Not that I stood it very well, mind.)

Jun 05, 2010


Drakkar...ah, that takes me back. Early 90s, college dorm, roommate and I return from...somewhere...on a Friday night. We're coming down the side hall before turning into the main hall when we are slammed with a wall of Drakkar. Roommate (loudly) exclaims "Someone's wearing a little too much Drakkar in here!" after which we round the corner to find the guys who lived across the hall literally dousing each other in the stuff. (The dorm was co-ed by room.) Dousing. Each. Other. The smell lingered for...days? weeks? To this day I can't stand the smell of the stuff, although my husband speaks fondly of his Drakkar days (thankfully, those occurred before we met...).

Jun 05, 2010

I just don't think men should wear necklaces and pinky rings!

Jun 05, 2010

It's not really something they "wear" but it is along the same line as bangs....long fingernails. There is NOTHING, and I mean NOTHING more icky than a man with long fingernails. Just typing it makes me "throw-uppy".

Amanda A
Jun 07, 2010

No white undershirt tanks worn as clothing. They are called 'under'shirts for a reason people. Also, to the men mowing their lawns in my neighborhood with their shirts off. It's not that hot, and NO ONE wants to see you with your shirt off.
Thanks, I feel better now!

Jun 07, 2010

leggings. i live in nyc, and this is horrifying new trend.

Jun 07, 2010

I also hate to see men in pleated pants.

Jun 07, 2010

I think when in Europe, pink shirts and manpris are okay...but not in the US.

Jessie C.
Jun 08, 2010

@beyond, leggings? Seriously?! LOL, my eyes!!

Jun 11, 2010

rayon/silk short sleeve button down shirts. especially the ones with tropical flowers all over it. very gross!

Jun 13, 2010

Ashton Kutcher is sporting bangs in his new movie "Killers". I think he looks really handsome.

Jul 10, 2012

I know this comment is two years late (sorry, I just saw this blog a few minutes ago ...), but I have a question that might sound dumb or obvious -- why do you dislike Drakkar Noir? There is something about that scent that I love on men, and it is a headturner (no, not the Linda Blair
kind of head turning) for me! Like one of the earlier comments
posted here, I loved it on my (now ex) boyfriend in the late 80s.

Is Drakkar Noir considered tacky? Cheap?

Jul 15, 2012

Okay, I did some research, and this is what I read -- Drakkar Noir was considered "cheap" in the US because it was worn so much in the 80s (I don't understand, though, why something that was worn too much should be called "cheap". Perhaps another word should be used, instead). In England, though, it is not easily available, and is not priced in the lower end of the spectrum. Therefore it is not considered "cheap" there.

As for scent, a little goes a long way -- spraying too much, and it comes off as "cheap".

I love the scent of Drakkar Noir.

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