Don't Read This One On Your Lunch Break

Internet, sometimes something so wonderful happens that I cannot stop myself from sharing it with you immediately. I'm not talking about getting engaged or buying a house or any of that big life stuff. I'm talking simply about this magnificent email my sister forwarded me from the halls of residence administration at her university.

___________________________________________

From: Residence Admin
To: LXXXXXX Residents
Subject: LXXXXXX B Floor Kitchen
Date: 19 April 2010, 16:33pm

Residents,

The LXXXXXX B Floor kitchen was vandalised today by someone (or a group of people) who placed human feces in the oven and switched it on. This was a thoughtless and distressing act and also a serious breach of health and safety. To ensure cleanliness and good hygiene this has resulted in the need for specialist cleaning services and the possible replacement of equipment, as well as inconvenience to those who use this facility.

This disappointing event has greatly distressed both students and staff. There could also be additional consequences arising from this for the whole hall due to the expense of dealing with it and the nature of the incident, which could threaten forthcoming events. We urgently need to speak to anybody with information about this incident. You can speak with a member of the Wardennial Team or email XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX. If you wish to speak with the Warden about this matter, you may do so tonight from 7pm in the Warden's Office.

___________________________________________

Oh, Internet. Oh, dear sweet Internet. Oh, I have so many questions.

First of all, WHO DID THIS? Who, as my sister so delicately put it, "cooked poop in the downstairs oven"?

Second of all, and this is a question that my friend Alison asked with furrowed brow after I forwarded her the email, how did they know it was human?

Thirdly, can you imagine the sort of scarring effect it would have on your life to be the person who discovered the poop in the oven? How much therapy would you need after that, do you reckon? "Ooh, I'm a bit hungry, I think I'll just put this frozen pizza in the--OH SWEET BABY JESUS NOOOOOO."

But it isn't just the fact that someone pooped in my sister's oven that cracks me up, it's the email itself. My favorite part, I think, is that someone "placed human feces in the oven and switched it on." AND SWITCHED IT ON. That's the best part right there. It's like, you took a crap in the oven? Eh, whatever. You took a crap in the oven and switched it on? Well, now you've messed with the wrong Wardennial Team, pal.

That's my second favorite part: the Wardennial Team. I really like how the Wardennial Team "urgently needs to speak to anybody with information about this incident" (Can you imagine? "Well, I saw John go into a stall last night with a saucepan...") and how there's even an email address there too, in case confessing that you put a pile of human shit in a public oven (AND SWITCHED IT ON) is too delicate a matter to discuss in person. I also get great glee imagining a line forming outside the Warden's Office at 7pm. "Hello Warden, thank you for seeing me. I'd like to talk to you about the nasty shock I got yesterday when I tried to cook my frozen pizza in the LXXXXXX B Floor Kitchen......"

Oh, there's so much more. I could talk about this email for days: how the oven poop was a "thoughtless and distressing act," for instance---someone POOPED IN AN OVEN, I'm pretty sure that pushes the boundaries of thoughtlessness---and also (worse!) "disappointing." I'm also intrigued by the vaguely menacing promise that the incident could "threaten forthcoming events." What do you think that means? That the annual LXXXXXX B Floor bake sale will have to be called off? I mean, one can only hope so, right? Because no-one's going to buy the brownies, that's for sure.

1
Mia
May 05, 2010

Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you for this! I'm studying for finals right now and this gave me a much needed laugh, or ten. In fact, I think I'm going to read it again!

2
Min
May 05, 2010

I'm just really glad I don't use the LXXXXXX B Floor Kitchen.

And thanks for the laugh! And for the reminder to check my oven before I turn it on next time (although I live alone, so that'd be even more disturbing, wouldn't it?).

3
Simon
May 05, 2010

I prefer to poop in the toaster, or maybe the coffee maker in a pinch. But the oven? Now give me a break!

On the other hand, when you gotta go, you gotta go...

4
Janie
May 06, 2010

My favourite of your posts, ever.

5
Isobel
May 06, 2010

Why can I never post comments on your site! I've tried posting a response three times and it doesn't work!

6
Isobel
May 06, 2010

It's posting my whine, but not what I actually want to say - apologies for the double post but I can't work out what is going on!

7
Isobel
May 06, 2010

I don't care how many professional cleaning services they got - I would never EVER cook in that oven again!

8
Isobel
May 06, 2010

Your sister should forward that email to that passive aggressive notes site - it's full of similarly hilarious situations and the notes written following them.

9
Isobel
May 06, 2010

Sorry - it would only post it broken down into little peices like that!

10
em
May 06, 2010

This is hilarious.
And reminds me of the scandal at my boyfriends office last month when a poo was discovered behind a vending machine.
Yes. A vending machine. In the office.
Go figure!

11
Kristin
May 06, 2010

Agreed, Passive Aggressive Notes NEEDS that email! Laughing out loud over my cereal this morning!

12
Lori
May 06, 2010

I can't see there is any recourse other than a new oven. I would never go hear it again.

13
James
May 06, 2010

What, no jokes about corn?!?!

14
g.schneider
May 06, 2010

While I am sure that this act was thoughtless in the sense that the perpatrator did not think about others feelings and health, it was not thoughtless in the sense that they did not think about how to do it. Because I am pretty sure you don't accidentally poop in an oven (and SWITCH IT ON).

15
breadwinnerwife
May 06, 2010

OMG, definitely thanks for the lunch warning, that is horrible!! When I lived in a dorm in college there were sometimes disgusting things to be found in the bathroom, but never anything like this!! Wow!!!

16
mon
May 06, 2010

I guess it's good it wasn't the microwave? With the rotating plate inside. When switched ON. Also is Wardennial even a word? I'm too lazy to look it up, but they have to be called the Wardennial team? Not the Warden's Team? Or the Whip Crackin' team?

17
Operation Pink Herring
May 06, 2010

Ah, the sweet smell of roasting poop wafting down the halls. How I miss college.

18
Erika
May 06, 2010

This brings up many issues for me. What kind of girl does this? I can see a boy doing this because they are by definition gross but, a girl? WE DON'T DO THINGS LIKE THAT! I would demand that the oven be replaced!! NOW!! Or maybe just close down that kitchen permanently.

19
Allison
May 06, 2010

I'm laughing so hard I'm shaking! Thanks for making my morning that much more awesome.

20
Ris
May 06, 2010

When I was in college our dorm had a phantom pooper. Yup, someone who would go around leaving presents in the middle of the hallway, in the stairwell, in the game room. It was so disgusting.

21
corey
May 06, 2010

What I find most perplexing about their response is the POSSIBLE replacement of equipment. Really?!? You might only possibly replace it? Please, please DEFINITELY replace it.

22
A'Dell
May 06, 2010

There used to be an outdoor sauna in our neighborhood by the community pool, and teenagers kept pooping in it and turning it on all night and eventually they just demolished the sauna to stop them from doing that.

23
Alyssa
May 06, 2010

Clean up after yourselves - your mother doesn't live here.

24
Amy --- Just A Titch
May 06, 2010

I love the idea that someone will actually go forward and be all, "Yeah, it was me!" or turn in their (probably very drunk) friend.

Also, please, my god, replace the oven.

25
Jamie
May 06, 2010

Inexplicably, this story makes me miss college.

26
Reagan
May 06, 2010

Oh I'm gagging!!!

27
danielle
May 06, 2010

ha...i used to run a residence hall and someone poo-ed in the dryer.

a colleague of mine had an angry student poo on his car...in the walmart parking lot.

college kids and their poo...

28
Jill
May 06, 2010

oh... the laughing... I can't stop...

and the "Well, I saw John go into a stall last night with a saucepan..." sent me into fits. My dog thinks I've lost my mind.

29
Michelle
May 06, 2010

Tears streaming down my face as I try to hold in laughter lest my co-workers think I've finally lost it. Thank you for this.

30
Laurie
May 06, 2010

Maybe someone already threw this out there. But I would say it would have to be human poop, or a dog with waaaay above average intelligence to pull off a prank like that!

31
soul-fusion
May 06, 2010

wow, I would definitely never be able to go near that kitchen again - even if they replaced the oven. On a high school band trip we were staying at a motel (definitely not hotel) with tons of other high school kids and one of them decided to poop in the ice machine. I am still traumatized by the experience (even though I don't remember if I ever actually saw the poop) and cannot bring myself to use ice machines to this day. Revolting.

32
Mona
May 06, 2010

OMG! Gross! I can't believe someone would do that.

33
Jess
May 06, 2010

Ditto on the 'thanks for the disclaimer.' I was actually eating my lunch when I read "Do not read this one on your lunch break." ... I knew it had to be good! lol
This is in the books for one of your 'Top 5 Funniest Posts Ever.'

34
kathleen flohr
May 06, 2010

this actually happened at my university, only it was a pan of urine left to simmer over a weekend, as a "prank" on a girls' dorm.

the culprits were caught and expelled, in case you were wondering.

35
Jenny
May 06, 2010

Oh, I nearly spit out my teeth laughing so hard at this post! BEST. ONE. EVAR.

36
Michelle
May 06, 2010

This is quite possibly the funniest thing I have read in a very long time! My husband thinks that I have lost my mind because I am sitting on the couch giggling uncontrollably. There might have been a snort as well. Wow. That's about all I can say. I also happen to work at a university and can't imagine this type of incident at my school. And, knowing the director of Housing, I can only imagine the email that would come from him!

37
Saucepan Man
May 06, 2010

In the olden days, we were always cold when I was a student and everybody wanted the stool NEAREST the oven....

....I guess things have changed.

38
Gillian
May 06, 2010

Just a heads up, it's a terrible idea to read this while drinking tea.

39
kat
May 06, 2010

this is grossly fascinating and hilarious. and just gross. and thank goodness i already ate dinner.

40
Ashley
May 06, 2010

"Internet, sometimes something so wonderful happens that I cannot stop myself from sharing it with you immediately."

The best part about this post is the opener. Poop in the oven is something so wonderful you had to share. I love you just for the humor you embody!

41
Anne in SC
May 07, 2010

My first thought was, "Holy Crap"! and then I realized what a play on words that was and how inappropriate it seems, but still....Holy Crap!

How could one not have gagged getting the stuff TO the oven? (I imagine they actually "made the poo" somewhere else and then transported it to the oven.) I'm having a hard time picturing this happening with someone's bottom stuck inside the oven as they left it.

And one obvious question that you didn't mention (and I haven't read comments yet, so it may have already surfaced), but how horrible must that have smelled? Egads! to think about any of it - YUCK!

Hope you can provided us with Wardennial Team updates.

42
Anne in SC
May 07, 2010

Gotta love this - I just Googled "definition Wardennial", and your post was the first one on the google results list.

Funny!

43
Claire
May 07, 2010

I can't stop giggling. Can. Not. Stop.

That and gagging. Eeww.

44
Jenny
May 07, 2010

bahahahahahahahahahahaha. Tastes like chocolate??

Ok, I thought this was funny until the last line.

Then I thought it was HILARIOUS.

I love this post like a fat kid loves cake. BUT only if it was cooked in an oven free of human feces.

Of course.

46
Kristabella
May 07, 2010

Hahahahaha!

So do we think someone pooped in the oven, like did his business right there? (Oh, come on, you know it is a dude.)

Or did someone scoop the turn out of the toilet?

OR! Is someone a sleepwalker and thought the oven was the bathroom and when he turned it on, he thought he was flushing??

HAHAHAHA! Can't. Stop. Laughing!

47
kim at allconsuming
May 07, 2010

These guys are pussies. You're not in the big league until you a) capture a sheep, b) steal it and c) slaughter it in the middle of your dorm room.

While I was certainly not involved in this act (it happened a few years before my time at the university I attended) we do wrong so very well down here in the Antipodes.

48
kelly
May 07, 2010

that was the funniest post - EVER. seriously, i haven't laughed that hard in ages. thanks! by the way, enjoy the "friday night lights" tonight. tim. riggins. good lord.

49
Alecia
May 09, 2010

All I can say is 2ow! Now I think the pranks we pulled in college were relatively tame.

50
polly
May 10, 2010

When I was in boarding school somebody [repeatedly] pooped in the girls shower stalls AND PLACED IT ON THE SOAP DISH. Who, would 1: poop in the shower? and 2: poop in their hand/pick said poop up to place on the soap dish? And for that matter, as toilets were a mere 10 steps away from the shower stalls, why couldn't you just grab you towel and take a few quick steps to the toilet? We had our suspicions as to who the culprit was but we never really found out.

51
mens shoes
May 10, 2010

thank you for sharing. it is very interesting. i like it.womens shoes

52
Rhi
May 10, 2010

When I was in college, someone pooped in the broom closet of my dorm. The broom closet was RIGHT next to my room. I'm still disgusted by this.

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