First of all, I should tell you that I am a person who believes in ghosts. I do! I believe in ghosts! I'm sorry! So sue me! I'm a person who believes so much in ghosts, in fact, that if you are not a person who believes in ghosts and you say, out loud, "I am not a person who believes in ghosts," I will actually get worried for you. "Don't say it out loud!" I will hiss. "The ghosts will hear you." In my mind, you see, there is a certain sort of hubris involved in saying, out loud, that you do not believe in ghosts. That's just asking for a poltergeist to toilet paper your living room, as far as I'm concerned.
I say all this so that it serves to highlight the gravity of what I am about to tell you next. Which is this: you know that movie, Paranormal Activity? Man, what a load of old crap that was!
(I just had to check behind me to make sure a ghost didn't hear me type that. I mean, whatever, there was a weird noise RIGHT AFTER I WROTE IT.)
I'd been looking forward to Paranormal Acvitity for months. I love a good ghost movie--I still maintain that the scariest one I ever saw was The Others (and not just because of Nicole Kidman's botox)---and this one seemed so promising. I had firsthand evidence that my brother Luke, after seeing it in the cinema when it first came out, had been so frightened by it that he and his (male) roommate had shared the roommate's twin bed that night so that neither of them had to be on their own. The trailers seemed frightening. The buzz was strong. We Netflixed it and settled in to be scared to death.
And eh. It was about demons. Demons? Whatever, I don't want to know about demons! Give me some proper ghosts!
Of course, I said all this to Sean as we were getting ready for bed that night. Pah, I said, I wasn't frightened by that movie at all! I fell asleep scoffing at how unscary the movie had been. And then, in the middle of the night, I woke up to an enormous crash.
(If you haven't seen the movie, by the way, this would be a good time to tell you that the couple in the film spend a lot of time waking up in the middle of the night to an enormous crash. Also, they are haunted by a demon. As you can imagine, the two are related.)
I froze. I checked the alarm: just after 3am. Suddenly, in one fell swoop, every frame of the movie came back to me. I wasn't scoffing anymore. Oh my god, I thought. The ghosts totally heard me say how unscary Paranormal Activity was. Worse, the DEMONS did.
For some reason, it seemed like a good idea to creep into the kitchen, and so I crept into the kitchen. (You'd think I'd never seen a scary movie in my life. YOU NEVER CREEP INTO THE KITCHEN.) And there, on the floor, was the source of the enormous crash: a pan was lying in front of the stove, all by itself.
How about that? A PAN WAS LYING IN FRONT OF THE STOVE ALL BY ITSELF. A pan! On the floor! At 3am!
I mean, yeah, sure, I suppose it could have been knocked to the ground by one of our overzealous cats, but I'm pretty sure it was a warning from the demon community to shut the eff up and stop publicly slating their awesome new movie, am I right? I mean, if that's your agenda then a saucepan on the ground at 3am is surely more effective than a polite email---or even a sudden cool breeze or a sinister half-opening door. Nope, a saucepan on the ground at 3am shows you mean business, my friends. Suddenly, I am compelled to tell you that Paranormal Activity was excellent.