Spoiler Alert: We're Still Alive
I woke up at 4:30am convinced there was an intruder in the house. There had been a crash, you see, which woke me with a start. I lay there for a few seconds, startled, and from the corner of my eye, I swear I saw something move in the living room. (We live in a tiny apartment, and yes, from our bedroom, we can see our living room. Welcome to San Francisco! I guess it's the price you pay for being able to get a six-pack, an oil change, and a plate of pad thai at 2am if you'd like, without even leaving your block. Or at least without even leaving my block.)
A quick and bleary-eyed inspection revealed that a) cats and b) husband were all asleep nearby. I lay there a little longer, my breath caught in my throat, wondering if the act of reaching for my glasses would result immediately in my grisly death. But I just got married! I thought. I haven't even used any of my wedding presents! Will I die without ever finding out what coffee tastes like when the beans are ground in my new burr grinder? Will the person who gave it to us be able to return it to Bed Bath and Beyond after my funeral and get some sort of store credit?
I lay there a while longer. I swear I didn't breathe for twenty minutes. In my head, I was embroiled in a lengthy and complicated stand-off with some unknown, unseen, crash-making interloper who was presently cowering behind Sean's desk in the living room, machete in hand, thinking "if only she'd just reach for her glasses....."
And then a light that had been on in the kitchen---or rather, a light that had been on somewhere else and illuminating the kitchen, most likely outside BUT POSSIBLY ON THE INTRUDER'S WRISTWATCH, WHO KNOWS---abruptly went off. (Yes, we can see the kitchen from the bedroom as well. And our rent for this shoebox is probably equal to the GDP of a small European nation.)
This was the last straw. It was time to wake Sean.
I tapped him lightly on the shoulder---under the covers, of course, so as not to arouse the intruder's suspicion with sudden movements. "Wake up," I hiss-whispered, trying as hard as possible not to move my lips. "I think there's an intruder in the house."
WELL, Internet. Those are the words to use, apparently, if you want to get someone's attention! Keep them in your repertoire the next time you need to wake a person up, because there is no quicker way, I assure you.
"I heard a crash," I continued, so quietly that only small dogs with supersonic ears could hear me. "And then I saw something move in the living room. And then a light went off in the kitchen."
We lay there some more, stiff and silent, eyes wide. Neither of us took a breath for another twenty minutes. I made a mental note that if I didn't die from a stabbing wound or gunshot trauma, I should draft a letter to the Guinness Book of Records in the morning, informing them of this magical feat. Lungs of steel!
Finally, Sean whispered that he was going to have a look. "Grab your cellphone," he said, "and if you hear anything, call 911." I nodded, and as he crept into the living room, I crept, simultaneously, over to the bedroom window, where I opened it, stood on the chair next to it---Internet, I am not making this up; you should have seen me, it would have been a YouTube sensation---and hovered there like that, one leg on the windowsill. Why one leg on the windowsill, you ask? Well, to better help me jump out.
That was my plan, you see: that if I heard something, I would JUMP OUT OF THE WINDOW ONTO THE STREET BELOW, leaving Sean to deal with the madman in the kitchen. How about that for loyalty, huh? Til death us do part, you say? Eh, I'm not so sure about that, sweetie. I think I'll let you face this one on your own.
(Ah, whatever, I totally would have called 911 once I'd picked myself up off the sidewalk. How quickly I did it, of course, would have depended on how many limbs I'd broken. Although our apartment is only one floor up, so it would have been within the next five minutes, tops.)
Anyway, not to go all anti-climactic on you, but turns out there wasn't a homicidal maniac with a glint in his eye hiding out in our apartment after all, despite all evidence to the contrary, and the mood quickly shifted from tense anticipation to It's F***ing Four O'Clock In The Morning, Go Back To Sleep, You Idiot. But not before I had pulled back the shower curtain with a flourish, I assure you, fully expecting to confront the criminal crouched in the tub. Ditto with several cupboards and closets, most of which a four-year-old wouldn't be able to hide in, let alone a grown adult, but who's to say he couldn't have curled up below the sink with the dishwasher powder and the Windex if he'd really wanted to, you know? Better safe than sorry, after all.
Sep 24, 2009
Wow. You had me on the edge of my chair and with a wide grin the entire time I was reading. And I can honestly say, I would have done the EXACT same thing but am also glad it was nothing. Oh and we also can see our living room from our bed...because we sleep in our living room...because we live in a studio. Welcome to New York!
Sep 24, 2009
Hilarious. My irrational night terror this week is a crazy fear of bed bugs because a mosquito attacked in the early, early hours Tuesday morning and Tuesday night I couldn't quite fall asleep because I could not shut out the thought of tiny little bed bugs chomping at my flesh. ~shudder~
I even heard buzzing from the mosquito when it was torturing me and lo, the bites reacted exactly how all other mosquito bites react on me. Nevertheless, I have lost hours of sleep worrying about bed bugs. Especially without the aid of corrective lenses, I'm pretty sure I would have reacted similarly to you had I suspected an intruder.
Sep 24, 2009
GAH! Well I'm glad that you're still alive and well. Did you ever figure out what made the noise or was it outside your apartment?
I hate hearing noises in the night. I usually hear them when my husband is out of town (probably because his buzz saw snoring drowns out all other natural and man-made sounds).
Pepper spray and a bat are good standbys (bat should be next to the bed on it's end so that you or Sean can grab the handle quickly). Because if an intruder was in the house, you don't want to have to fumble for it under the bed.
Sep 24, 2009
This cracked me up! I'm glad to hear you're all okay.
My boyfriend and I live in Queens in NYC, and while it's not a bad neighborhood by any stretch of the imagination, he is always on my case to get pepper spray. Which I don't think I'd be supposed to bring to bed with me, or anything? The closest I have to an "emergency plan" is that I have, "Something is wrong, call 911" programmed in to the quick text in my cell phone, so in case I'm afraid to call- sort of the same as reaching for the glasses, I suppose- I can have someone else do it for me. Which, I guess isn't very much of a plan at all? As much an anticipation of letting someone else deal with it for me? Ah well.
Sep 24, 2009
Gosh, you tell a great story! Gotta love an active imagination, huh? Aren't you glad you have Sean to investigate for you? Hehe. Though, I have a friend who heard a crash come from her kitchen in the middle of the night, ignored it, and woke up the next morning to find something red all over the ceiling and walls and counter. A new bottle of wine had exploded all over the kitchen, and then the cats had walked through the wine and tracked it through the rest of her apartment.
Sep 24, 2009
Amy, that's almost WORSE than a homicidal maniac with a glint in his eye hiding out in your apartment.
Sep 24, 2009
Though they aren't mine we have, not one, but two baseball bats next to the bed. But me, when I hear a scary noise, lay there waiting for another one. Rarely will I go check out the noise.
The scariest thing that's happened was this summer when we woke to very loud shouting (the window was open, it was summer and hot) and when the shouting didn't stop I suggested we might want to call the police. During the call I heard gunshots, however I did not leave my bed until that time (and then only to go look out the bathroom window). But what do you do...nothing. I guess I would say having a phone near your bed is the most important thing.
Sep 24, 2009
We had a very similar experience a couple years ago... turns out we DID have an intruder, though - in the form of a large mammal that had squeezed its giant ass into our attic somehow, and was trying to SCRATCH ITS WAY THROUGH THE CEILING. Never did figure out what kind of animal it was, as critter control just confirmed that YES, that was a large mammal in your attic! And NO, we have no idea how it got in!
For real though, most frightening experience ever... The scraping noise was so bizarre, and unidentifiable, and FREAKY. We went from thinking someone was shoveling their driveway at 2am (it was February, in Michigan), to thinking someone was mysteriously shoveling OUR driveway at 2am, to HOLY SHIT THAT NOISE IS ACTUALLY INSIDE THE HOUSE WHAT THE HELL DO WE DO?! And no, we had no plan, other than to breathe heavily and grip each other's hands and try to communicate via ESP so as not to alert the intruder that we were awake. Quite effective.
Sep 24, 2009
Oh, yes. I've been watching too many re-runs of Criminal Minds and since my son still wakes up at night, I've had my share of middle of the night noises. Never anything to worry about, but it's why I have a dog.
Sep 24, 2009
I'm so glad you're both okay! That is terrifying and I would have reacted the exact same way. I live alone in a tiny studio and can see every inch of the apartment from my bed, aside from the bathroom, and I still imagine noises in the night and lie perfectly still for a loooong time psyching myself up to reach for my phone. Also, I take my cell into the bathroom with me because inevitably, when I'm taking a shower, I imagine I hear noises in the apartment. I don't know how having my cell phone in the bathroom would actually help me in that situation but it makes me feel better.
But I have a good story, almost on par with Amy's terrifying wine story. When I was little I would sleepwalk, and one night I had a babysitter and splashed in the bath and got the rug all wet, so it was hung over the edge of the tub to dry. I got up in the middle of the night, and for some reason moved the rug back onto the floor. Then I walked, half asleep, into the kitchen and knocked over the trash can. Then inexplicably moved a chair in the living room and went back to bed.
So my mom got up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and the rug was moved, and then there was garbage all over the floor and the living room furniture was rearranged. And then she made sure I was safe and then spent the next few minutes looking in cupboards and behind doors and also jabbing at curtains with a nightstick- because the window was open and they were billowing out as if a person were HIDING THERE.
Needless to say she was very glad when I outgrew the sleepwalking.
Sep 24, 2009
Too funny! Before I got married I lived in a doorman bldg (albeit not in the greatest neighborhood) that would have required Spidey skills to get in from the outside, so I never worried. Now we live in a townhouse whose layout, if invaded, would basically tree us like cats in our bedroom. Despite two quite vocal pups and a baseball bat, I used to hate it when my husband traveled for work as I got approximately 15m of sleep a night. However, we finally got an alarm system a few years ago that ranks high on my list of money well spent. I sweet-talked the installer into giving me a supposedly forbidden "panic remote" that calls 911 at the touch of a button. I'm not sure how fast the cops would get here, but it's better than me, two fluffballs, and a bat I'm not entirely sure how to swing.
Sep 24, 2009
Uhm. I'm kind of crazy about this one. I woke my boyfriend up so many times that now I have to live by the rule that if both my dogs aren't worried about it, I have to shut the hell up.
I also push aside the shower curtain every time I go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, in case someone is ready to get me.
I also look out windows.
I also keep the knife block from the kitchen in the bedroom with me when I have to be left alone.
If someone actually broke in, I don't know what I'd do. I can't jump out my window, because I'm on the third floor. No good. My apartment is a shoebox, too, so there's really no hiding. I could go under the bed, but then I'm pretty sure it's obvious where I am.
I think I would just hope the dogs scared them off when they tried to bust the door. Combined they're 120 pounds of dog. I would hope that's enough.
Now I'm all jumpy, even though it's 5:30. Ack.
Sep 24, 2009
But wait - what was it? The crash and the movement and all? Was it a ghost? Was it 4:44? I'm a total scaredy-cat and since I live alone, I can't tell you how many times I have checked the cabinets, the closets, under the bed, in the shower, and in dark corners. (And my apartment, from the sounds of it, is not much bigger than yours.)
Sep 24, 2009
This, my friend, is why I sleep with a steel baseball bat next to my bed. The first time my boyfriend saw it he said "Oh, do you play softball?"
Sep 24, 2009
Lori, I still don't know what the crash was! I guess it was probably outside, which would maybe explain the light outside the kitchen going off after a while too. The movement I can only blame on my overactive imagination, I guess. Or hallucinations.
Sep 24, 2009
ok i'm sitting here at work with tears in my eyes from laughing so hard at the picture in my head of you standing at the window ready to jump. oh my. whew! by the way, i ALWAYS keep my shower curtain pulled to the side...creeps me out if i can't see in the tub.
Sep 24, 2009
Oh man, I'm reading some of these comments and am laughing my ass off.
Oh, Christina--"And no, we had no plan, other than to breathe heavily and grip each other's hands and try to communicate via ESP so as not to alert the intruder that we were awake. Quite effective." That's one of the funniest things I've read all day.
This isn't related to the intruder part but the reaching for my glasses part. I was vacationing in Hawaii with my parents one summer and we were renting a condo. There were a couple of dead roaches in the bathroom when we first got there. I got the couch to sleep on and woke up really early one morning to see a dark spot on the ceiling directly above my head. I couldn't tell what it was and my glasses were on top of the TV which was across the living room. Since I had fresh images of cockroaches in my mind, I came to the conclusion that's what it was. I didn't move or flinch for TWO WHOLE HOURS fearing that it would see me move and jump on me to attack. Finally, after not seeing it move for two hours, I got up the gumption to slowly creep on all fours to the TV to get my glasses (while not taking my eyes off that prone-to-attack roach). When I put them on, I finally saw what I had been afraid of the whole time. A damn plant hook.
Now if there's any time I'd like to get back, it's those two stinkin' hours.
Sep 24, 2009
When I first moved out on my own, I was terrified of every little noise. I lived on the ground floor which I my mind meant my apartment was practically an open house for homicidal maniacs.
I used to sleep with a Louisville slugger for protection. Until I realized that by the time I got that thing untangled from my bedsheets I'd be wielding it as a ghost.
Now I just have cats and blame all noises on them and pretend not to notice that they are both sound asleep at the foot of the bed.
I do sleep with my cell phone on my bedside table so I guess my only plan is screaming and dialing 911. Not much of a plan. I hope I never have to rely on it. And I hope you never have to either!
Sep 24, 2009
Spoken from someone who actually did have an intruder break into their house (at SEVEN MONTHS PREGNANT, no less), I would have done the same exact thing as you, except the massive stomach wouldn't fit through the window. Instead I grabbed my husband's unloaded rifle and hid in a closet.
Thankfully, the intruder left as quickly as he came, but STILL. I nearly wet myself....which, really, isn't as surprising because again, I was MONDO pregnant.
Sep 24, 2009
When D is out of town (like right now, but he gets home this evening so DON'T BE GETTING ANY IDEAS SCARY INTRUDER PEOPLE), I set all sorts of booby traps around my house. Specifically, Wito's little die cast cars. I figure the scary intruder will trip and slip on said car, giving me just enough time to snatch Wito out of his room and run out the back door.
Can you picture me walking around my house carefully placing toy cars throughout the main walkways? Thank God D only travels once or twice a year.
Sep 24, 2009
Oh my god. I started cracking up in my uni computer lab, that spastic laugh where you're trying to laugh silently and everyone ends up thinking you're crazy.
Meanwhile when I was 17 there was actually a couple of weeks where I slept with a light and iTunes turned on. Any rustle in the bushes was an imposter! It was crazy. I also go through stages where I get paranoid about "toilet hands" and pee on red alert, ready to jump up if there's an attack.
Yes, I'm crazy.
My boyfriend has this baseball bat which he keeps under his bed, though, so I'm safe if there's an attack while I'm sleeping at his house! I actually think it's really cute, the idea of my not-quite-post-teenaged boyfriend grabbing his baseball bat and going out to declare war in his superman pajama pants. :)
Sep 24, 2009
phew! this is precisely why my shower curtain is always only halfway pulled shut.
Sep 24, 2009
Oh my heck, have you ever stumbled upon something that happens to me all the damned time. I'll spare you the details (suffice it to say, it happens exactly as you described, only my husband has been woken up so many times by me insisting that there's an intruder that he doesn't even bother checking anymore). My plan for self-defense, if you will, is to try to remember to keep my cell phone on my nightstand. I usually forget, in which case it's good that we have an enormous dog!
Sep 24, 2009
That just totally cracked me up! Thanks for the good laugh!
Sep 24, 2009
Okay, the whole "What would I do if someone broke into the house?" has definitely crossed my mind once, or everytime I'm in bed. Along with the also fun "What would I do if there was a fire?" or "What would I do if the ceiling collapsed on me?" OR "What would I do if all of a sudden the Earth split and swallowed ONLY ME?!"
That being said, if you're in that situation again, when you jump, make sure to roll when you hit the ground. You'll be as good as new!
Sep 24, 2009
Someone did break into my house once, but as far as I know I slept through the whole thing. I had a three-month old baby at the time, so maybe I was up with the baby, but I was so oblivious that I could have walked by the intruder and just nodded at him.
I also lived in a really scary neighborhood--way scarier than anything San Francisco has to offer. (It was across the bay in Oakland, and I'm serious, nothing in SF compares to lower Telegraph.) The thing I learned there is that the best weapon--way, way, way better than a gun--is a TELEPHONE! Leave the phone by your bed. If you're scared, call 911. Talk to the dispatcher. Talk to her while you're walking through the apartment if you have to. Yes, it feels stupid to call 911. But they are there to help you, and it's a lot better to feel stupid on the phone with the 911 operator than it is to get shot with your own gun by an intruder in your apartment. Or hit with your own baseball bat by same.
Sep 24, 2009
I just laughed so hard that the cat ran out of the room in terror and my husband turned around, glared at me, and rolled his eyes. Oh, thanks so much for the image of Sean sitting bolt upright in bed with the "I think there's an intruder in the house." (I mean, you gave it away that everyone was okay in the title. If there had actually been an intruder, it wouldn't have been funny.)
Sep 24, 2009
Well, it's not my story... but I have a friend that heard a loud crash in distinctly inside her apartment late at night. After a few minutes of panic & thinking about what to do, she heard another series of crashes. Needless to say, she was freaking out! She stealthily called 911 and the police were dispatched. I can't recall if the police came & then they made the discovery or if she snooped around first, but the culprit? Shampoo bottles. One that fell of a rack, triggering the others to lean a bit & then fall later. She had a good laugh about that one...
Sep 24, 2009
Haha, love the story.
This incident reminded me of the time I saw this shadow lurking outside my bedroom window(illuminated by the street lights), and my brave reaction was to slide off the bed, crawl into the next room(I couldn't alert the chap to my movements, now could I?), and ask my Dad to check it out. Turns out it was the branches of the tree outside swaying to their perculiar brand of melody - the ever loving breeze!
Sep 24, 2009
well thank goodness you are safe and sound. phew. I was worried that this was a guest post by the intruder.
Sep 25, 2009
I love that you were half way out of the window while Sean was facing the danger.
That's how it should be.
Sep 25, 2009
Oh my goodness, I can't believe you're still this funny after such a--albeit temporary--harrowing situation.
Sep 25, 2009
haha. that's so funny.
i am always hearing things in my house; after i got back from benicassim this year i took an afternoon nap {after being awake for 30hrs} i awoke to the sound of someone in the house. it was 2pm, on a monday. everyone should've been at work.
So i lay there for about 5 minutes, wondering who, or what it might be, thinking what they might want - and also wondering why the burglar was running a bath.
Yes. In my sleep deprived state, i thought someone had broken in to run a bath!
Needless to say it was a housemate, but go on imagination!
Sep 25, 2009
When we were newlyweds, we were startled awake one night by a very loud crash in our kitchen. We lived in a tiny rooftop apartment, so we were sure a burglar had just broken the kitchen window and climbed in from the roof. My husband flung his arm across me and hissed, "Stay here!" He went out to investigate (surely grabbing something heavy for protection, but my memory is fuzzy). And found a shelf that had detached from the kitchen wall, the mugs it once held shattered all over the floor.
My intruder plan when my husband travels? Keep my cell phone right by the bed. That's it.
Sep 25, 2009
I sleep with one of those big heavy Mag-Lite flashlights by the bed. Useful as a tool and as a weapon! Though you'd have to get closer to the intruder than you would with a baseball bat. My father told me to be careful with what I choose for protection, as I wouldn't want the intruder snatching my own weapon and using it against me. (Strange advice coming from a man who slept with a loaded gun on his bedside table while I was growing up.) The flashlight is a little more discreet than a bat. Always keep glasses and a phone within reach as well.
An advantage of living in a shoe box apartment is that you can quickly assess each room. Can you imagine the terror of having to creep down the stairs to confront the unknown?
Sep 25, 2009
I have had several close calls and the cell phone within reach is my best plan. Also, I run a fan so I can't hear the noises. I don't want to know.
But my sister, oh my sister has plans. She lives alone. She puts bells on the doors so she knows someone is coming for her if she hears the bells ringing. What does she have prepared for them? Aerosol hairspray and a lighter. She will surprise attack them with fire and then run around them out of the apartment. So she keeps hairspray in a can and a lighter in her nightstand. I think it is brilliant.
Sep 25, 2009
When we lived in Northern Ireland, there was a crash in our kitchen in the middle of the night. My dad bravely decided to go down and hiss-whispered to my mom, "Quick, Sharon, hand me something!"
So she grabbed the nearest thing she could find and placed it in his hand. It was a Bible. "What do you want me to do, preach him to death?!" he hiss-whispered. So he got the baseball bat out of the closet and went down to meet his peril.
'Course it turns out it was just some dishes falling on the drying rack. But! Instant family classic.
Sep 25, 2009
beverly - i like how your sister thinks! i might have to steal some of those ideas for my own use.
holly - so glad it turned out okay! the same thing happened to my roommate and i a few months back...we texted one another as we heard thumping downstairs (it's a two story duplex), then she took the risk and quickly ran down the hall to my room, where we locked the door and waited for the police. we had each decided to grab a weapon while we waited, and the only thing i could find to use was a stiletto heel. i still get made fun of for that. oh, and the footsteps/thumping/lights turning on? absolutely terrifying, but the police went through the whole place and found NOTHING. we still have no idea what it was! freaky.
Sep 25, 2009
once, when my fiance was on a work trip, i woke up to quiet murmuring and a glow coming the living room. i was seriously freaked, thinking MULTIPLE people had broken in. i had the same holding-my-breath, heart racing feeling. and then i realized it was the early morning news on the tv, not intruders. which still meant the tv had TURNED ITSELF ON. so i was still freaked out and couldn't get out of bed to turn it off. turns out there was a "firmware" glitch with the flatscreen the could somtimes cause that to happen. i assure you we had THAT fixed quickly!
Sep 25, 2009
Oh, my God, I was already laughing at Holly perched with one leg on the window sill, but these comments are KILLING me. Christina's imaginary and mysteriously benevolent neighbors shoveling her driveway, and Beverly's, "What does she have prepared for them?" like it's a dinner party. HA!
Sep 25, 2009
These comments are the funniest comments I've read in my life.
Sep 25, 2009
That is truly a horrible feeling. THe real deal is worse. A few years ago an intruder(s) came in our kitchen window in the middle of the night. I heard them but my husband didn't. I think the feeling that is just as bad is waiting in the bedroom while he went out to see what happened.
Needless to say they got away, which is just as well if you ask me - with our microwave of all things.
After that there was always a bat beside our bed. I'm not sure it was the best idea though - because after that we were always a bit jumpy - the sister in-law stopped by one night/early morning without letting us know in advance and it almost got her clocked with the bat while she was in the kitchen making toast.
Sep 25, 2009
When I was in college, I came home one night and was busy playing Snood (everyone remember Snood?) when I thought I heard a noise downstairs. I turned off my Winamp (how about Winamp? We all remember that, right?) and listened really hard, and I DEFINITELY heard a noise. I decided the best course of action was to sprint upstairs as quietly as possible and wake up my roommate, who was far more responsible than I and would clearly handle the situation. "Mary," I whispered to her, "I'm really sorry to wake you up but I think there's a robber in the house." We both listened, and this time there was an unmistable creak of someone walkingin the living room, so we locked ourselves in her room -- which consisted of putting a little hook through a loop in the wall, there were no actual locks on the doors -- and stood near the window so we could call for help if necessary while dialing 911. We didn't even arm oursleves with a big textbook or anything, we thought that stupid tiny metal hook would keep the murder/robber/rapist out! Well, 35 minutes later when the police finally responded to our three 911 calls, they wanted us to come downstairs and open the door, and we were like, no way! We're not coming down, there's a robber down there! Break down the door or something! This conversation went on for several minutes, them yelling from their car on the street and us yelling back through the open second floor window. I guess one of us finally did go open the door (honestly I can't remember how that got resolved). By then the robber was long gone, along with a computer, a dvd player, a karaoke machine and assorted other sundries. I guess he took the conversation about how to let the police in the door as his cue to leave, thankfully without harming either of us.
I feel like the fact that I was once actually robbed means I have a lifetime pass to wake up my husband and force him to help me listen for potential robbers.
It hasn't happened for awhile, probably because we now have an alarm system (which is great, except for the time my cat set it off in the middle of the night, while Joel was traveling for work OF COURSE, and then I wandered the house for 20 minutes with a baseball bat and Brinks on the phone, narrating what I was doing. "I'm pretty sure it was probably my cat that set it off, but I don't know for sure because I can't find my cat. OK, now I'm looking under the couch, nope, he's not there. Ok, now I'm looking under the chair, nope not there either.") But really, I WAS ROBBED. It could happen again! I am scarred for life!
I've also had the experience of the TV turning itself on in the middle of the night, and that scared the hell out of me. The robbers are downstairs, having a quiet conversation! Quick, get the baseball bat!
When I am home alone for the night, I sleep with my cell phone, the house phone, a baseball bat and a pocketknife all in the bed with me. I was robbed once! That makes it OK!
Sep 25, 2009
was it at least your first priority this morning, then, to try the coffee from the burr grinder? just in case?
Sep 25, 2009
I too keep a Mag Lite by the bed for those night-time prowlers. But I often worry about someone coming in to the house in the middle of the day, not thinking I'm home...and my plan is always to get all indignant about WHY DIDN'T YOU BRING HOME THE DRY CLEANING?!?! just to throw them off or whatever. And get all huffy about that and act like I'm going out to check the car or something and just run out the front door. That if I don't just faint from shear fear.
Sep 25, 2009
You can get a spray tan in Miami at 3 AM. The lady will even come to your house to do it.
Sep 25, 2009
I understand. I keep pepper spray in my bedside table drawer. Every night before bed, I open the drawer so that I can silently and quickly access it if anyone breaks in. Because people want to break into my apartment and steal ... my mixing bowls? My dictionary? Who knows.
Sep 27, 2009
Once, I heard a noise outside and I looked out the window and I could see the pine tree swaying. It was evident someone was climbing up it. I was very calm, as I've been expecting this to happen for years. "This is it," I thought. It turned out to be a possum. But the point is, I was mentally prepared.
I had no plan though, other than to wake my husband, like you did. It's a good plan, I feel.
Sep 27, 2009
I had a really horrid experience earlier in the week. My mum had told me she was going on but felt tired and just went to bed, so I was watching TV when I heard someone moving around upstairs. I nearly had a heart attack.
I like the escape plan though. Who cares about other people? Number one comes first.
Sep 28, 2009
I have *totally* been awoken by a "phantom intruder" which is why I sleep with car keys (sharp edges) and cell phone (for calling and/or jamming in someone's ear) next to my bed. Also, there's usually a cat curled up somewhere that I could chuck in an emergency.
Sep 28, 2009
Damn, but I hate when I'm awakened like that. The heart pounding, the shortness of breath, the wondering which kid I'll save.
Nicely related. Thanks for getting my adrenaline and laughter flowing.
Sep 28, 2009
That is too funny! I'm glad I'm not the only one who freaks out about the things that go bump in the night!
When I was little I lived out in the country surrounded by miles of corn and soybeans fields and our closest neighbor was over a half-mile away…yet I was convinced that every sound was a burglar. One night, when I was about 10, I woke up to hear a “click, click, click” on our hardwood floors downstairs (my room was right by the stairs). Ever the explorer, I rolled out of bed and crept all stealth-like toward the top of stairs and waited for the maker of the noise to reveal himself…however, when a shadow actually did start to appear, I quickly chickened out and ran straight to my parent’s room on the other side of the house. My father blearily got up and made his to the stairs to SAVE THE WORLD, as fathers do…and it turned out there WAS an intruder…but not an axe-wielding murderer as I had envisioned. Instead, it was just our dog Einstein. (We lived on a farm so pets were not allowed inside because you never knew where they had been.) Somehow, Einstein had managed to push the garage door open and had been exploring the “unknown.”
Well, we thought that was the end of it because it seemed that she hadn’t made it past the entryway into the main part of the house…until my dad went to get a glass of water before returning to bed. He made it about halfway down the hall to the kitchen when the smell hit him…apparently Einstein had made it all through the house, after all, and had a left us a present right smack in the middle of the living room rug…and not just any present, but a pile so big it could have come from an elephant…so big my dad actually had to remove the pile with a shovel! And the smell, the smell…it could have been bottled and used in biological warfare…it was so bad my father was gagging, so he grabbed the closest air freshener he could find and started spraying. That was when my mom started yelling for him to stop and he started yelling back that he just wanted cover the smell and they went back and forth until finally my mom yelled BUT THAT’S NOT AIR FRESHENER! Yeah, apparently my dad had grabbed pledge dusting spray and was spraying it all over the living room. It was like a comedy of errors…and for years you couldn’t walk around in just your socks or you would slip around like a puppy on ice.
But at least we weren’t attacked by an axe-wielding murderer!
Sep 28, 2009
We never lock our door (I live in Berne, Switzerland, and while robbery does happen here occasionally, everyone feels pretty safe most of the time).
So, as I was saying, we never lock our door, which means that when I want to feel especially safe at night (when I'm the only one home, say) I LOCK THE DOOR. That is it, my little way of safeguarding myself.
To be completely honest I have to admit that we never lock our apartment door, whereas there still is a house door which can only be opened with a key. But still, reading through all these comments made me realize how completely safe I feel at home.
Sep 28, 2009
I don't think I've ever commented before, but this time I have to.
Around 4 am one week after we got married I woke up to 4 men wearing hoodies entering our bedroom.
When they walked in I woke up and said, "uh...can I help you?" and they quickly walked back out. It took me forever to get my husband to wake up enough to put clothes on and go figure out what was going on (which led me to ponder: what am I even keeping him around for if he can't wake up enough to deal with intruders?? Isn't that like..the POINT of husbands?).
As it turns out, they were the electricians. We had a 2 week honeymoon (one week in Mexico, one week in Hawaii) and we were home for ONE night in between. Our electricians thought we were going to be gone the whole two weeks and were stopping by to finish the wiring in our recently remodeled bathroom.
But now I know that in the event of real intruders my husband is useless and our fate is pretty much in my hands.
Sep 29, 2009
I loved reading this post. I had a similar thing happen to my fiance and I in our small studio in Boston! We were on a raised first floor and one night last winter I thought I heard something on the fire escape that ran past our windows. Chris (my fiance) said oh it's just the snow falling off the roof, but he went to check it out anyway and peered out the blinds. At that point I knew there was something outside that scared him because he backed up slowly. I grabbed my cell phone and ran to the door with one foot out the door and one foot still in the apartment, Chris said to call 911 so I did. Like you I was ready to bolt out the door at the first sign of our intruder. Chris grabbed a big knife and pounded on the bathroom door and yelled "HEY" in a very deep manly yell I've only ever heard come out of his mouth at this very moment. I mind you am still one foot out of the apartment with the police on the phone and on their way. As Chris yelled we heard a hair raising shreek out of what sounded like a 15 year old girl and then a thud to the ground. She came running around the building and in the entrance, tears running down her face, saying that she thought she was breaking into her own apartment because she was locked out. The police were already there because luckily in the city they come in less than three minutes and with about 7 cop cars blocking the whole street. We felt kind of silly but were so releaved!
PS I've so enjoyed ready about your wedding and all of the wedding preparations. We are getting married in less than two weeks on October 10th in Vermont! All the best!
Sep 29, 2009
*correction: "my fiance and me"
oops! I hate when you reread something and then find all these grammatical errors! haha
Sep 29, 2009
My roomie got robbed in her underwear in a nice part of the neighborhood so I don't blame you.
Sep 29, 2009
This is not even related, but I woke at 10:30 p.m. (I had been asleep for TWO whole hours at this time) and had absolutely no clue where I was. I was SO SCARED and I was also so relieved to find that I was in my very own bed.
Sep 30, 2009
I can relate to your fear. (I hope that reading your post again might help me sleep tonight! No pressure or anything.)
Last night, at 1:30 am, someone buzzed my apartment. (And like most apartment buzzers, it's a loud and angry honking noise.)
I was alone. I was petrified, literally. I didn't move.
They buzzed again, again, and again. Three times in a row. Finally I heard angry footsteps clicking away. My mind started racing: what if it was someone who's car died and was stranded and needed help? What if it was a member of my family, in trouble?
Odds are, it was probably the stupid neighbor upstairs who often forgets his keys and buzzes me to let him in. (Although that's usually during the day, so I don't mind, really.)
After that, I couldn't fall back asleep. I peeked out the window for a half-hour, looking to see if anyone was milling around outside. And all day today? I've been jumpy. The car in the next lane makes me twitch; and I was afraid to go outside this morning. I don't know why, but maybe I thought that person was hiding in the shrubs outside? Or in my car.
Gaaah. I'm officially a wuss, I think.
Oct 04, 2009
You know how people say that when you move in with someone, you really learn about them (and the opposite sex, in general)?
What I learned when I moved in with my boyfriend is that all guys keep a baseball bat somewhere around the house just in case they need to smack an intruder in the head.
I'm not sure if there is some unofficial meeting instructing them to do this or if it's just engrained in their DNA, but once I started asking my male friends, they all said they had baseball bats somewhere in their houses too, not as a nostalgic reminder of their days in little league but as a weapon for self defense.
My husband has not one but TWO baseball bats by the front door (one wooden with a longer handle, one metal with a shorter handle - he explained that sometimes you need a longer reach or something like that).
He also has a huge mag flashlight near the door (the gigantic kind with four D batteries) and another next to our bed, both serving double duty as both light sources and possible weapons.
I have two break in stories. My husband's grandmother was in the house when an intruder broke into the house. She grabbed a huge ass samurai sword that her husband brought back during his stint in World War II. She told the intruder to stop moving unless he wanted to be run through with a sword. He jumped out the window and was caught by the police about a block away.
When my husband's brother was living in Richmond (the crime rate is comparable to Oakland's), he heard someone breaking into his house. He started yelling for his roommate. As he ran into the living room, he ran into his roommate who was butt naked. The intruder ran out the door, chased by two angry guys, one half clothed, one totally naked. He was not apprehended.
Mar 17, 2010
Very cool, I really enjoyed that. Is there somewhere I can check out more about it?
Mar 20, 2010
Very nice, I really liked it. Is there somewhere I can check out more about it?
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