Look, I Wrote Something That Isn't About The Wedding!

Remember how in 80s movies, everyone always hung out at the mall? And they ate frozen yogurt and went shoe-shopping and got their ears pierced? Well, guess what I did on Saturday: went to the mall, ate frozen yogurt, went shoe-shopping, and got my ears pierced, and this was all in the suburbs, so obviously I win some sort of grand 80s nostalgia prize. Like, maybe a slap wrap. Or a pair of jelly shoes. Or a signed videotape of Girls Just Wanna Have Fun, or hell, maybe all three of these things, packaged nicely together in a miniature backpack. Made of denim. Acid-washed denim.

But hold up just a darn sec, did I just say I got my ears pierced? Why, yes, my friends, I did. Or rather, I got them re-pierced. You may not remember this, you see, as it happened way back in 2005, when the only people reading this blog were Sean, my sister, and---fairly awesomely---Susan and Marcheline (hi, Susan and Marcheline! Thanks for keeping the faith! You should get a medal for longevity!)---but almost four years ago, my earring tore straight out of my earlobe, slicing it clean in two. Whoops, hope you weren't eating when you read that! Hey, have a look at this picture of it, it's even better!

Anyway, after this ear-ripping happened, I got the tear sewn up---by the world's most incompetent doctor, incidentally, who at one point suggested that since I needed pain meds and a co-worker of mine needed pain meds, he'd just write me a prescription for 100 Percocet AND HAVE US SHARE IT, IS THAT NOT ILLEGAL?---but the experience was so traumatic that I just....well, I never got my ear pierced again. Instead, to solve the problem, I wore my left earring in the second hole of my left ear---a remnant from the late 90s, oh like you didn't get that pierced to annoy your parents too---and my right earring in the first hole of my right ear. Crafty, huh? I am nothing if not a problem-solver. And I did this for four years! And for four years nobody noticed!

And then my beautiful turquoise wedding earrings arrived last week---something new, something blue, two birds, one stone, BAM---and suddenly, like a long overdue wake-up call, I realized how utterly ridiculous it looked to have one of my earrings so much higher than the other. Whoops! Only took me four years!

And so I decreed that I would put on my big girl pants and get my ears pierced, oh yes I would, and I would do it here and I would do it now, CLEAR MINDS, FULL HEARTS, CAN'T LOSE. And since Moose and I found ourselves in a suburban mall on Saturday---which is, in and of itself, an entirely different story, the moral of which is that I was swiftly reminded why I don't like to go to malls in the first place, suffering as I do from some sort of post-traumatic stress disorder stemming from my days folding hoodies at Abercrombie and Fitch---the timing seemed fairly fortuitous. I saw a Claire's, beelined towards it, marched up to the counter, all grit, spit, and courage, and said PUT SOME HOLES IN MY EARS PLEASE, LADIES. I'M READY.

Except turns out I wasn't quite so ready.

Alert the media, I think this might be the most flattering picture of me ever taken!

It all went fine, of course, and I am now the proud owner of two eensy-weensy silver studs in my lobes---I got the right one pierced again too, because it looked like it might also rip out at any moment---as well as that lingering sense of shame and depression that comes from being the oldest person in a store by a good fifteen years. (Claire's! It's full of tweens! Why aren't they home drinking Sunny D and reading TigerBeat articles about the Jonas Brothers!) I'm not supposed to take them out for six weeks, but I think we can all pledge not to call the Hillsdale Mall Claire's in San Mateo and tattle on me if I do it (briefly) after three, am I right? Honor code!

How'd you like to be a 29-year-old woman who has to carry this very subtle and dignified bag around the mall for the rest of the day?

Speaking of age, I was asked for my ID before I was allowed to get my ears pierced, and Moose, upon hearing this, looked at the piercer questioningly. "How old do you have to be to get your ears pierced then?" she asked.

"Three months," replied the piercer, writing down my date of birth on the form. 

"Hot damn," I thought, impressed. "That new anti-wrinkle cream is totally working."

Aug 19, 2009

I promise not to tell, but it's gonna cost you. (What's the name of that wrinkle cream?)

Aug 19, 2009

Just for the record, i have also been reading your blog since almost the beginning. I remember when your ear got ripped, although i do not remember that being 4 years ago. Suddenly i feel like my Great Aunt Minnie, asking, "Where did the years go?" I had no idea that was so long ago.

Aug 19, 2009

Love the FNL reference. LOVE IT. And I'd like to take the opportunity to thank you dearly for introducing me to that show, or maybe I should BLAME you for it as I am now addicted and unable to ever find any other show quite as wonderfully perfect.

In other news, ripping my ear like that is one of the very few Big Fears I have in life. I don't even want to think about it, just the thought makes me queasy.

I'm glad, however, that you overcame the incident, and are now fully prepared to wear your new ear rings to the wedding! Good job! Hehe.

Aug 19, 2009

Will it ruin my street cred if I admit that I bought Girls Just Want to Have Fun on DVD? I also have Breakin' and Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo (bought first as imports from region 2 because they were not available in the U.S. and then repurchased when released here). Ahem.

When my sister was in high school, she worked at Claire's. One of her many fun responsibilities was piercing ears. You should know that the "training" process is mostly someone telling the new employees to mark each earlobe with a dot before holding the gun in the vicinity of said dot and pulling the trigger.

With that kind of extensive protocol, it's no wonder that they are asking three month old babies for proof of age. You must be using that fancy Pearl Cream I've seen on the infomercials.

Aug 19, 2009

Hillsdale Mall is my old junior high/high schhol hangout! Awesome. You were actually having my typical '80s day.

Aug 19, 2009

Just remember to twist! And do all the cleaning steps, you'll be fine after 3 weeks. I have a fear that will happen to my ears or my navel (yeah, since my mom had my ears pierced when I was 2, the double-piercing didn't do the trick to annoy her). Actually, a friend's navel slowly rejected her ring, and one day it just fell off. Wonder how often that happens...

Aug 19, 2009

Weddings are the most beautiful women for the event, Mr. de course after giving birth!

Aug 19, 2009

I was reading your blog at the time of the ear-ripping incident! And, like Karen, I cannot believe that happened four years ago. Ah, how time flies when you're reading a witty, well-written, utterly charming blog...

FunnyGal KAT
Aug 19, 2009

I can't stop laughing about you being carded at Claire's... and I'm wondering what kind of ID the six-month-olds whip out when asked to prove they are more than 90 days old?

Dancing Phalanges
Aug 19, 2009

OMG! My BFF in highschool worked at Claire's! I let her practice on me. I have 4 holes in each ear, yet I never wear more than 2 pieces of jewelry in my ears. Drives my husband batty!

You didn't really take me back to GJWHF, but I was sitting on the set of Valley Girl :) Mmmm... Nicholas Cage in the 80's!

Aug 19, 2009

Wow, I remember back when your ear fell apart! Apparently I've been reading your blog for 4+ years... thank you for all those entries! (I obviously don't comment very often.)

Aug 19, 2009

This is hilarious - I also have the second hole only in my left ear that I got just to spite my parents. But I also have a weird incident with my right ear that I believe involved getting a stud earring slammed straight through my ear when I was about 10. I stopped wearing earrings for a couple of years and the hole grew in so later I had to get a new hole, but for whatever reason the genius that did it claimed it couldn't be in the same spot as the old hole. So in my right ear I have two holes very close together and I'm pretty sure both of them still work somehow.
Phew, sorry for such a long tale!

Aug 19, 2009

Okay, FIRST OF ALL, I was also here reading you when that happened with your earlobe ripping, thankyouverymuch.

Second, I love how every mall and every Claire's is exactly the same. I should send you the photo of my daughter getting her ears pierced last Spring; it's nearly identical to that pic of you above (except that, well, it's her and not you).

Third, a tiny bit of assvice: please bring your studs with you for the wedding, because your ears may not tolerate the other earrings for the entire day. (You may want to wear them for the ceremony and pictures, and then have the option to switch back if they're bugging you.)

Fourth, you are adorable.

Aug 19, 2009

Oh man, one of my first jobs when I was 16 was at a Claire's, and it was my duty to pierce ears! And it was a terrifying task. I'll tell you this now that you've already pierced your ears there, but (back then, anyway) I was trained to use the (KERCHUNK!) piercing gun on a freaking stuffed bear, and that was it! I was then "certified" to pierce the ears of anyone who might come through the door, teensy-weensy babies included. Like I said, it was TERRIFYING. The worst was when someone wanted their cartilage pierced. I shudder to think of the damage I may have caused to their poor ear. Needless to say, I didn't stick around in that job for more than about six months.

Aug 19, 2009

Though I have not been a long-time reader, one of the reasons I began reading you is because I too have ripped my earlobe. I had both lobes sewn up by a handsome plastic surgeon in India, as no one in the US had ever heard of the surgery, but even street doctors in India know how to do this. Plus, I can tell people I've had plastic surgery done.

Of course then, I waited 6 months and re-pierced my bottom holes at Claire's where I also had to carry around a bright pink bag. (The noise that the gun makes is the worst part.) My second holes are much higher on my ear and when I wore earrings just in those holes, well, it freaked everyone out.

Also, you have gotten me addicted to Friday Night Lights and now I want to roadtrip to Austin every weekend to kiss Tim Riggins on the mouth.


eww! go to a piercer! yes, it involves getting pierced by some guy named "Spike" who is covered in tattoos, and yeah, it's more expensive, but they STAPLE you at Clairs! STAPLE!

Nothing But Bonfires
Aug 19, 2009

Uh, it's a bit late.

Belly Girl
Aug 19, 2009

Hate to tell you, but a story about getting your ears pierced so you can wear earrings purchased for your wedding counts as writing about your wedding. Not that I mind. :)

PS - How in the world did your ear look so not-gross and not-bloody when you'd ripped your earring out?

Aug 19, 2009

Oh, squick! The thought of my earlobes ripping makes me shudder! I also have another piercing--a remnant from my stupid college girl days--that can be a death trap. There I'll be, scrubbing away with my poofy loofah in the shower thinking vague shower-related thoughts, and yoink! I'll catch the loofah on my *ahem* piercing and about fall over. TMI? Sorry about that, but the thought of ripping out a piercing of any kind makes me curl into a whimpery little ball. Kudos to you for bravely soldiering on and getting 'er pierced again!

Operation Pink Herring
Aug 19, 2009

OK, so I went to Claire's to get a new belly button ring for the wedding (specifically requested by my fiance! I want to take the damned thing out, because you want to talk about being too old for something?), except Claire's doesn't exist here any more. Now it's called "The Icing." I was the oldest person there by at least 15 years, and to add to the shame I was buying a freaking BELLY BUTTON RING. Oh, the shame. It burns.

I won't tell on you for taking out your starter earring early if you don't tell anyone that I have a goddamn belly button ring.

Aug 19, 2009

aw claire's! LOL.

i also own girls just want to have fun on dvd (it was $5 at target!).

this is the BEST photo of you ever.

Aug 19, 2009

I was reading your blog at the time of the earring ripping too (just not a big commenter, sorry) and I can't believe it was FOUR YEARS ago. WHAT?

Also, thanks to you, I have added Friday Night Lights to my Netflix queue.

Aug 19, 2009

I want to make an intelligent comment, but I'm still laughing over the bag and being carded!

I just picture you traipsing through the mall with your bag (WHY WOULD I WANT TO ADVERTISE THAT?)! HAHAHA!

Aug 19, 2009

I remember that post! At the time I didn't think leaving a comment that just said "Ewww" would be polite, so you'll have to take my word for it. :)

Aug 19, 2009

Wow, apparently you have all been around a lot longer than I thought! Thank you!

Aug 19, 2009

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun AND Friday Night Lights? This post is pop culture heaven for me.

I got my ears pierced when I was ten (family rule, until my little sister turned seven and GOT THEM PIERCED, WHAT) and survived, but I'm pretty sure if I tried to do it now I would pass out cold on the Claire's floor.

Aug 19, 2009

CLEAR MINDS, FULL HEARTS, CAN'T LOSE - Ha! Also: Why didn't I think of that? Instead of tap-dancing and pulling out my best Superstar jazz hands impression to distract you. All you really needed was the image of Tim Riggins. (Sorry, Sean.) (Tim Riggins is hot and there's nothing we can do about it.)

Aug 19, 2009

I just luv you, Holly. In a not-creepy-at-all kind of way, like I'd love you if I were oh I don't know LANDRY and you were TYRA... no no no. That was kinda creepy. Sweet, but creepy. Okay... It's like if I were Matt Saracen and you were Coach's daughter Julie! YEAH, THAT'S IT. Wholesome! Not creepy! Like, we could just HANG. 'Cause I love you that much. Like Buddy Garrity loves bottle blondes and the Dillon Panthers Booster Club!

And I would never say a disparaging word about your earlobes. Because you have, with these two posts, made earlobes sidesplittingly funny.

Aug 19, 2009

The gummy ear at the surgeon's office is still one of the five funniest things I have ever read. Ever.

Aug 19, 2009

The article about your ear falling apart in your hand was so funny. I was laughing so much, my husband had to ask what was so funny. So funny. Thanks for the midnight giggle.

Aug 20, 2009

Yup, still here. 8-)

I haven't been to a mall in over 20 years. And I don't miss it at all. Mall = money vacuum.

Are you having bridesmaids? I can't remember - looking forward to more wedding accoutrements and photos of same!

- M

Aug 20, 2009

First of all, let me finally say how hilarious I think it is that you constantly refer to Tiger Beat. My mom does it too. All the time. Tiger beat? Really?! :D Nine years difference absolutely cracks me up.

Congrats with the ears! Don't let them get infected!

Allyson West

Aug 20, 2009

Whoa! I go away for a few years and come back and here you are getting married! I am so very happy for you, and you are going to make a spectacularly beautiful bride. With, of course, beautiful earrings.

PS I remember the post when your ear fell off.

She Likes Purple
Aug 20, 2009

I wish we could nominate past year's posts for the BlogHer Keynote because the naked girl in your apartment post is easily the funniest blog post I've ever read on the Internet.

Not that I often read blog posts off the Internet.

Jenna Jean
Aug 20, 2009

You watch Friday Night Lights. Girl, you are quality.

Camels & Chocolate
Aug 21, 2009

Damn, now I'm doubly sad I missed the one day you girls were in my 'hood. Hillsdale Mall is literally at the end of my block.

I also find it hilarious you did the deed at Claire's. Even when I got my ears pierced at the tender age of 12, I went a little more upscale than that (primarily because Jeanie thought I would get tetanus from Claire's, I'm sure) ;-)

Aug 21, 2009

OH MY... I was laughing my ass off (no acronym, I'm "Old School") reading your post.
I love the way you write!! you are so funny! I bet you never have to tell anybody, "...I guess you had to be there." Because you TAKE people there with your writing!!

"First time Caller,(Soon to be)long time reader"

found your Blog through iDIY today. Great wedding invitations!!

Kate Lowther
Aug 24, 2009

And she watches Friday Night Lights. I might love you.

Aug 24, 2009

I know I am late and I know it has already been mentioned but oh, please, if you ever have to get your ears pierced again, please go to a tattoo/piercing shop. It's so much more sanitary and honestly, barely hurts at all. Plus, you get the lovely adrenaline rush afterwards. And, also, if you think getting your ears pierced at Claire's is bad, think about getting your nose pierced there. I still have scarring from it. Traumatic!

Aug 25, 2009

Ahhh, Hillsdale. I grew up in San Mateo and that mall was my second home. I'm not sure why it makes me so happy that you went there, but it does! Also, what is your favorite color of Wine Gum? I bought some and haven't found one that tastes good yet.

Dec 12, 2009

I want to let you and your readers know of a new style of earring that avoids tearing and stretching but also does not hurt like a clip-on. They're called hook-on earrings. (www.hookonearrings.com for more information). Thank you!

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