Things I Swear, Under Pain of Death, I Will Never Say To An Engaged Person

"Well, finally. Took him long enough!"

"How's the planning going?"

"Wow, you're getting close, huh?"

"How's it all going? Getting stressed yet?"

"I can totally tell you've lost some weight. You look skinny now!"

"Only eight weeks to go! My god, how are you going to do it all?"

"So how's that planning going anyway?"

"Have you thought about your bouquet?"

"And your cake?"

"And the centerpieces?"

"And the music?"

"How's the planning going?"

"Eating cupcakes, huh? Can't have those for much longer!"

"So, you're probably stressing out, right?"

"Do I have to mail in my RSVP card? Can I just tell you over the phone?"

"Oh, you already addressed the RSVP card and put a stamp on it to make it easier for me? Huh. Well, can I just tell you on the phone anyway?"

"How's the planning going?"

"So when are you guys going to have kids?"

1
Kavita
Jul 07, 2009

Hahaha....and the kid talk begins!

2
lo
Jul 07, 2009

How about...
Are you wearing white? Grrrr!

After your wedding you can make a new list of things you won't tell newlyweds.
Been reading your blog for a while, it's one of my favs!

3
kage
Jul 07, 2009

After telling one of my friends that we got engaged and how surprised I was and how wonderful it was, she said "well yeahhh...but...you HAD to have seen it coming..." aaand I don't think I've ever felt more deflated! Another to add to the list, for freshly engaged people: "have you picked a date yet?" - people asked us that the DAY we got engaged!

4
Zoo
Jul 07, 2009

Wait until you're back from the honeymoon and everyone and their uncle asks "So! Does it feel DIFFERENT?!" See also: "How's married life?" in place of "nice weather" and other small-talk-filler.

So. When are you guys having kids?

5
Heather
Jul 07, 2009

I just got married in June, and I heard all of those things. So frustrating and I promised myself that I wouldn't ask anyone any of those questions again!!

6
Camels & Chocolate
Jul 07, 2009

I've already heard the planning questions a bazillion and one times and a) we've been engaged just six weeks and b) we still have 10.5 months to go! Way to make me feel the stress prematurely, people.

You'll be fine, Burnsy. You're a rockstar.

7
Anne in SC
Jul 08, 2009

We were being picked up at the airport after our honeymoon by both sets of parents and one of them outed with "So, When are you going to have kids?". To which my quick witted husband replies, "We've been meaning to tell you...the first will be here in about 6 months".

That shut them up pretty quickly.

8
topo
Jul 08, 2009

Are you getting the email RSVP's yet? 'Cause I'm getting a lot of those.

Also, a lot of phonecalls from my mom:
Mom: "So-and-so called to say they can't come, so you can take them off the list".
Me: "Mom, I didn't send an invitation to so-and-so. They're not on the list"
Mom:"Oh. I must have sent them an email".

THANKS MOM.

9
Daisy
Jul 08, 2009

I just got married four weeks ago, so I can totally relate to ALL of these!

One of my favorites was the RSVP cards because not only was it annoying, but it totally interfered with my plans to be totally organized.

Do you think that I went to the trouble of addressing and stamping the reply envelope so that you could EMAIL ME?

One of the reasons it annoyed me so much was that in the amount of time it took them longer to sign into their email and type me a message that said, "Hey, I got your wedding invitation in the mail! Can I just tell you if I'm coming or not, or do you want me to actually mail the card back to you?" than if they had just put an X next to yes or no and dropped it in the mailbox on their way out.

I was never exactly sure how to answer those emails without being too snippy either.

Mysteriously, the day after we mailed our invitations, we received an empty reply card in our mailbox. There is no way, short of owls, that someone could have received and sent back the card in that time, so we realized that the only logical explanation was that the reply envelope had fallen out of the invitation. I emailed everyone on the guest list and told them what had happened and asked them to just let me know that their invitation also had a reply card and envelope inside. Most people were really good about responding immediately, but there were several who never replied just to say yes, the card and envelope were inside. Of course, those ended up being the people who never sent back an RSVP so we had to contact them the week AFTER the RSVP date to ask if they were coming or not. Thanks for making me contact you multiple times about this!

I must say that the people who were the speediest about sending back RSVP cards were people who had gotten married in the last two years. Apparently the memories of their RSVP cards were still fresh enough that they didn't want to be That Guy.

As soon as we saw my parents a few days after the wedding, my mom asked if we felt any different. Yes, after fifteen years together, throwing an expensive party totally changed our relationship.

10
Elizabeth
Jul 08, 2009

OMG, so when are you guys gonna start having kids? ;)

The worst is when you START to meticulously plan you wedding and your mom is all gung-ho to pay, and then says she cant and so you go to city hall and then have to tell everyone later that you didnt have that wedding anyway. AWKWARD. And we weren't planning some huge thing, it was gonna be a 2k or less wedding. Very awkward.

11
Kitty
Jul 08, 2009

Oh the baby propaganda! It will only get worse, so be prepared!

12
Christina
Jul 08, 2009

OMG, the damn RSVP bit is enough to make me tear my hair out. Just write your name on the goddamn card and stick it in that little metal box outside your front door - IT IS NOT THAT HARD.

Also, now that I'm just 10 days out from the wedding (EEEEEEEEK), the next person who says something along the lines of "So, it's coming up pretty quick, huh?? Are you ready?!" gets punched in the throat.

13
Lisa
Jul 08, 2009

I'm a year away from my wedding and I'm constantly hearing those things, so what you're saying is it's only going to get worse. May I suggest adding seating to that list. My mother called me the other day and wanted to know the seating plan . . . I don't have a guest list yet.

14
Jessica
Jul 08, 2009

At our WEDDING, the number one question was, "When are you going to have kids?!"

I was 22, my husband was 26. It was not even on the horizon. We kept saying, "Oh, in 5 years" until finally my husband got mad and starting clasping his hands together and looking at me lustfully and would announce, "TONIGHT!" This change in answer may or may not have coincided with a remarked increase in alcohol by him.

We are just now expecting our first child... almost seven years later, but it worked to get people off our backs (ha!) for that one night.

15
Caroline
Jul 08, 2009

Just wait till you're pregnant (if you plan on that sort of thing). There is touching of bellies by strangers, and exclaimations of, "Wow! You look like you're going to pop!" when you've still got 3 months to go, as well as the intrusive questions.

16
Heather
Jul 08, 2009

Amen.

17
Abby
Jul 08, 2009

Ummm, this is awesome. (And I totally linked to it on my own blog.) Thank you for this.

18
Elysabeth
Jul 08, 2009

My least favorite thing that i heard was my mother-in-law saying "What do you MEANNNNNN you didn't invite my .... (fill in the blank with some random five-people-removed relative)?!?! I gave you the name, uhm, months ago!" Ugh.

19
Theresa
Jul 08, 2009

OMG The RSVP thing. I remember that and I remember wanting to stab so many of the lovely people we invited to our wedding who asked "Do we really need to mail back the RSVP card?" YES. YES YOU DO.

20
Sarah
Jul 08, 2009

I love looking at other people's wedding pictures. I love attending other people's weddings. I'm not lying when I say that I'd really, really like to be a wedding photographer someday. But you will never catch me planning or throwing my own wedding. No way, no how.

Reading all these stories about the RSVP cards, and the Established RSVP System (Use the cards, people! USE THE CARDS!) and it's hard not to laugh a little. I'm grateful there are people who put themselves through that kind of craziness so that I can enjoy the prettiness of their special day.

Good luck!

21
alisa
Jul 08, 2009

DOH! I feel bad...I've totally said some of that stuff to my future sister-in-law! Thanks for this - now I'll be sure to reign in my tongue;0)

22
Jenn
Jul 08, 2009

I get the "Finally! Took him long enough!" comments all the time (we have been together for eleven years) and then I inevitably respond " ... Actually, I asked him ..." :)

23
Jennifer
Jul 08, 2009

wow, I've never been engaged but the cupcakes line would make me want to punch someone, diamond ring or not.

happy belated to Sean! and beer with kettle chips sounds like a pretty fabulous birthday to me, ha.

24
iheartgreen
Jul 08, 2009

Damn, I'm guilty of all of these except the lost weight, cupcake and kid comment. And I almost never send in the RSVP card (bad me!). I will try to better myself.

25
Sarah
Jul 08, 2009

How about this one:

"Can you please re-send me all the information that was on your wedding invitation? My three-year-old colored all over it and then ripped it up."

ARGLE.

26
Chiada
Jul 08, 2009

Okay, so some of those questions are quite rude: "took him long enough", "cupcakes", "when are you having kids", etc. Yeah, I get that those are rude.

But can I just stand up for all of us "jerks" who've asked how the planning is going and if you're stressed? I can't speak for everybody on this, but I think that people are just, in general, curious. They are interested in how things are going. They know you're doing the planning yourself and are interested in what you're doing. It's not like they're purposefully trying to put pressure on you or trying to be unkind. And asking if you're stressed might be a way to empathize with you; they might worry if you're stressed, and if they ask you if you are and you confirm that you are, then maybe they'll want to offer to help. Or just console you. I don't know. I've been married and I did my own planning and I understand why people ask that and it didn't bother me that much. I was happy to share what I had completed and still had to do. Maybe I'm alone on that one, I don't know. What if nobody ever asked you how the planning was going? Would you start to wonder if people even cared about all the work you're doing on your own? I think that by asking it's a combination of a)being curious, b) caring, and c) a way to see if you need help.

Oh well. Sorry you are feeling this way.

27
jennifer in sf
Jul 08, 2009

You should just start telling people you're only getting married because you're knocked up. That'll shut 'em up!

28
NothingButBonfires
Jul 08, 2009

Chiada, I'm not saying people are jerks for asking how the planning is going! I was just on the elliptical machine yesterday and started thinking about how many times in the last year I'd asked engaged friends how the planning was going -- because obviously that's just what you do -- never thinking that 241 people before me had just asked the exact same thing. Which, of course, they had. Because that's just what you do. Because, as you say, people are interested and curious, and it's a natural thing to ask. All I'm saying with this post -- which is meant to be funny and tongue in cheek, by the way, since that's usually how I try and roll around here -- is that I just decided to be one less person who asked it.

29
Kristen
Jul 08, 2009

I've been engaged for four (4), just FOUR DAMN days, and already it's started! Can't we just enjoy being engaged for like a week? And then I'll start planning, I promise!

30
Jen
Jul 08, 2009

oh that last one is a kicker. I jokingly said that to my sister at her wedding in the RECEIVING LINE, and I'm pretty sure she wanted to rip my head off. But I swear I was JOKING!!!

31
Superfantastic
Jul 08, 2009

This is good to know. I don't really care about most engaged people's wedding plans, but usually ask out of politeness since it seems to be the thing that has taken over their lives. Now I can feel even more polite for not asking.

32
Sarah
Jul 08, 2009

I'm back! Thought of another one that annoyed me...

"What should I wear to your wedding?"

Umm, well, I'm wearing a FUCKING GOWN, so you should dress accordingly.

I mean, how hard is that to figure out? Unless I stipulate on the invitation a specific type of attire, don't guys just wear a suit and girls wear a dress? I guess I felt like the person who asked me that was insinuating that we were having a more casual wedding, which offended me.

33
Lady in a Smalltown
Jul 08, 2009

7 years and one kid later, all those comments (and the ones from commenters) still cause a twitch.

The stress question annoyed me because I didn't stress it at all.

The best question, the one that still makes me smile, came the day after we returned from our honeymoon from our 5 year old flower girl. She walked up to me and poked me in the belly. "Is there a baby in there?" She asked so innocently.

Good luck! "Are you going to have another?" comes immediately after you have the first baby.

34
SoniaBonia
Jul 08, 2009

So...how's the planning going?

35
Kait
Jul 08, 2009

My personal favorite from my wedding was when my husbands sister asked me if she could wear a white dress to my wedding, called her mother crying when I said no, which then led to a call from my husbands mother. Said call consisted of her screaming in to the phone "What does it matter? We all know Kait's white dress is joke anyway!" Such little rays of love and sunshine my in laws are.

Just so you know, the kids thing? NEVER GOES AWAY! It just gets even more awesome.

36
Nothing But Bonfires
Jul 08, 2009

Kait, I think you win.

37
Daisy
Jul 08, 2009

Kait, my condolences on your husband's terrible sister AND mother. My friend's future sister in law did a similar thing. A week before the wedding, she called my friend and said, "Um, so I don't have anything to wear." My friend was neck deep in last minute wedding stuff, she said something nice along the lines of, "I'm sure you'll find something lovely to wear."

Then a few days later, the same FSIL called and said, "Great news! I found a dress to wear to your wedding...but it's white." At that point, my friend told me that she didn't care what this girl wore to her wedding so long as she didn't show up naked so she said, "Fine, wear whatever you want." Thankfully, she changed her mind again and ended up in a non-white dress.

I was worried that some people might not remember to write their names on the RSVP cards, so I wrote tiny numbers on the back and made a list just in case. The only person whose number I had to look up? My husband's brother!

The other thing that drove me crazy was that because we paid for the entire wedding ourselves, we had a very limited budget and hence a tiny guest list. Months before we sent out invitations, we asked 95% of our guests if they would be able to come and then we planned around their responses. We only invited 60 people, but about half of them (who ALL said they were coming) sent back reply cards that said they were, in fact, NOT coming. We could have either chosen a completely different venue or invited more people, but by the time we got the cards back, it was too late for either.

I think I still have some RSVP card issues.

38
Laurel
Jul 09, 2009

Ok...I HATE when people ask me how married life is. Especially since we lived together for several years before getting married. Now my pat response is:

"It's like living-together life, but my name is different and I get a bigger tax refund."

39
Operation Pink Herring
Jul 09, 2009

I think the how's-it-going queries fall into two categories: the people Chiada speaks about, who are genuinely trying to show interest/empathy (or just make conversation)... and the people who are just jerks. There's a difference between "how's it going? are you nervous?" and "So, have you had a bridal shower/registerd/picked out tuxes yet? NO?! What are you waiting for!?"

The latter tends to come from the same people who asked things like "so when are you two going to get married already?" and "so when are you two going to have a baby already?"

I think that most people do mean well, but when they throw very personal, very loaded questions at you, it's hard not to take them personally. When people asked us when we were going to get married already, that cut to the bone. And how do you respond to that? There's no good answer. And I know that's not what this post was about, but I think that sort of question is really the same as the you're-doing-it-wrong wedding questions -- and there's a huge difference between those and the well-meaning conversational questions.

Man, this whole wedding thing is nuts, isn't it?

40
alison
Jul 09, 2009

Last year I told my students on the last day of school that I would be getting married in August. They were excited and happy for me, and it was really cute (first grade - adorable!).
Later, at the graduation ceremony:

Parent: Hi, how are you? I heard you're getting married this summer!
Me: (some pleasantry indicating that is, in fact, true).
Parent: Let me see your ring! Where is it? He got you a ring, right?!
Me: Oh, I forgot to wear it.
Parent: Oh I see. So... [as she puts her hand on my stomach] are you pregnant?

I honestly didn't know how to respond - I think I said, 'OH GOD, NO!'. Of course, this same parent told another teacher that she regretted having children when she did and that the teacher should definitely wait to have them.

41
HollyLynne
Jul 09, 2009

Agree with everyone here who pointed out that the baby talk is going to get WAY WAY WORSE. Seriously. Just wait until you've been married 3 months and people start leering at you looking for a baby bump.

42
Leah
Jul 09, 2009

I try to say the same thing to engaged peoples that I do to pregnant peoples: "Congratulations, again! You're going to have so much fun!" and/or "I can hardly wait!" Anything besides that is bound to get someone a swift kick in the teeth.

43
charise
Jul 10, 2009

I go both ways on this - it IS actually a good small talk topic with, say, my managers in the elevator. And I don't mind talking about how the planning's going, because I know I like being in the know for other people, so it's a matter of only asking if you really want to hear more than "great!". But it IS annoying when a bajillion people ask you the same things because they think that's all YOU think about.

As far as RSVP cards, we went the email rout - I just registered a separate email address and the invites give a deadline for RSVPing to that. Less paper, less postage, and for me, easier to keep track of because when I get an email I'll already be at my computer to update the spreadsheet.

I did have one guy friend congratulate me for losing some weight before the wedding - with his advice that I should just try to lose as much as possible, it's better to do that and just buy a new dress right beforehand if necessary. Seriously? He got married last year, doesn't he know it doesn't work that way? And I know I've got a few extra pounds on me, but not THAT many, geesh!

44
S from Denmark
Jul 22, 2009

I'm getting married in 1,5 weeks, and it's a bit of an operation. I'm from Denmark with a lovely cottage in Sweden. So we have planned: 1. family dinner in Sweden Friday night, 2. wedding ceremony in Sweden Saturday and 3. party in Denmark Saturday night.

So, the invite quite clearly states: Please RSVP if you are coming and to WHAT part of the party you will join us. Those who did reply almost all forgot to say what part they would attend. Right, cause we should just know???

And the classic: Oh yes, didn't I tell you? Yes you did, and I asked you if you could e-mail me as it says in the invite, because I can't remember what 100 people have told me... And another clasic: We are definently coming to the party Saturday night, but we don't know yet about the ceremony in Sweden... (people still tell me this, 1,5 week away from the weding)
Just reply - please. I'm doing all the planing and runing around, all you have to is to reply as asked and show up and have fun...
But still - i can't wait to the "big" day, and luckily all my favourite people in the world are coming !!!

45
Sara
Sep 29, 2009

Amen Sister!!

46
Rangle
May 18, 2016

At last! Someone with the insight to solve the prlbeom!

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