The More Things Change, The More They Stay The Same

I am finding it impossible to see past September 5th, 2009. It's like I have tunnel vision, the date looming ever closer in my mind, blinders around everything else. And while I can visualize every single tiny detail of September 5th---indeed, visualizing every single tiny detail of September 5th has been what I've been doing since we officially set the date at the beginning of the year---I can't even begin to imagine what September 6th, 2009 will be like. 

Will it be different? We'll be married, sure, but let's face it, we've been together---on and off---for eleven years, lived together for seven of them. I'm not changing my name, we're not moving into a new place: essentially, everything will stay the same. Yes, we'll have an official piece of paper, yes, we'll each have a new piece of bling, yes, I won't have to use the abhorrently pretentious "fiance" anymore---one friend of ours upgraded her fiance to "husband" a month before the wedding just to avoid having to use the term anymore; he, in turn, reverted back to "girlfriend," which I bet made for some hilariously uncomfortable introductions for people meeting them for the first time---but honestly: after you get married, does anything change?

Did anything change for you?

The biggest difference I can see at the moment is that after September 5th, 2009, I will never again have to make another to-do list. I'll never have to wonder why a person TO WHOM I WANT TO PAY GOOD MONEY IN A CRAPPY ECONOMY isn't emailing me back, and I'll never have to grit my teeth with anxiety in response to the well-meaning "...and how are the wedding plans coming along?" Most of all, I'll never have to DVR another episode of Say Yes to the Dress.

Oh who am I kidding, of course I will. You think Sean's going to stop watching that?

That was a joke, by the way. Sean would like me to confirm---definitively and emphatically, for whatever public record is most public---that he has never seen an episode of Say Yes to the Dress in his life. Also, that he is a manly mannish man who does manly mannish man things like eat raw steak and lift cars with his pinky finger while talking loudly and mannishly about baseball and scotch and jock straps. Oh look, now he's roaring and making a fire with two sticks.

1
Manda
Jun 25, 2009

Oh dear I FEEL YOU. I was only engaged for two months and it was a bag of crap ON FIRE.
Two things: You will have a lovely wedding. And you are going to have an even more wonderful marriage. I know it's hard but try to focus on the MARRIAGE part. It should be easy ... what you'll have then (more than now) is an extra ring and a piece of paper and the grown-up extravagance of calling your best friend your husband. Which is the most freaking cool thing EVAH (I know from experience).
Hang in there!

2
Nothing But Bonfires
Jun 25, 2009

"A bag of crap ON FIRE" is now my new favorite expression. Thank you for that!

3
nicolien
Jun 26, 2009

I just got married a week and a half ago, and mainly to stay legal, so outwardly nothing has changed: we're still living together in the same house, and we each most definitely still have the same names.

But yet, it feels like a lot has changed.

I can't explain it, and neither can he, and the only one who understood what I was talking about when I said it felt like everything was different was my (married) mom (I have no married friends). I had not expected this feeling at all, but it's a very nice feeling of absolute togetherness. Never knew this would be the result of signing a piece of paper!

4
Kitty
Jun 26, 2009

It does feel different, but it's hard to explain. You just feel cemented. He LOVES you. He is soooo not kidding, and he is apparently not getting away without the aid of a jackhammer.

5
alison
Jun 26, 2009

Planning our wedding was, I think, the most stressful thing I've ever done. I remember feeling a huge sense of calm when we finally got to our honeymoon destination, 3 days after the wedding. That was when I really felt like 'Wow, we're married.'

Even now, almost a year later, looking at my wedding ring brings me that feeling of contentment (and makes me so, so happy that I don't ever have to plan a wedding again!).

6
Jen
Jun 26, 2009

I felt that things changed a bit when we got engaged - I don't know exactly how to describe it, but things just felt deeper, more solid. But being married, for us, didn't feel different. Except that we can now call each other husband/wife. We hated fiance/fiancee too.

7
Emily
Jun 26, 2009

I hear all the people who say that marriage changed things a bit, I really do. And I was told that, too, before I got married. And I waited for the hard-to-pin-down changed feeling to wash over me, after the wedding. But six years later, I have to confess: nothing changed for us. We were together for five years before getting married, and lived together for most of that time. Nothing changed for us. Well, you know, except that we had to stop seeing other people. Kidding!

8
Marcy
Jun 26, 2009

If we are being honest...
I don't remember...I have been married 150 years
There is alot I don't remember.
but I think most of it was fun.

9
Megan
Jun 26, 2009

I have been married for the grand ole total of three weeks, and I am still getting friends and family asking, "So how does it FEEL?" And my secret is: it doesn't feel different. Which is not what people want to hear, so I tell them that married life is wonderful.

But dating life was wonderful, y'know? We already lived together, I already made him do married coupley thing with me, so besides rings and a piece of paper, it feels like it's always felt. Which is how marriage should feel to me.

10
Drew
Jun 26, 2009

I got neither new name nor new ring.I still call J my boyfriend, I still kiss him goodnight the same way I always have, and I still get annoyed when he does the simplest things differently from me (like laundry).

But I got pregnant and I have a 16 day old daughter sleeping in the bedroom which I guess is a huge change - and the outcome of our wedding. I guess at one and the same time things stay the same and change.

11
jen
Jun 26, 2009

It feels different. Slightly, in a very hard to describe way. But I was with my husband on and off for 7 years before we got married so maybe that is why it didn't feel really different. We also moved in together after we got married (though we had pretty much been staying at his place together for several years).

Now children, those little buggers really change things. Really.

12
She Likes Purple
Jun 26, 2009

I lived with my husband for a couple years before the wedding, and we shared a bank account for a couple years before, as well. Getting married change pretty much nothing except we had nicer stemware and more debt.

There was a feeling of "we have to really make this work; there's no breaking up and parting amicably if it doesn't." And it was pretty fun (still is) to say "this is my husband." But, other than that, nothing.

I like to tell people if he didn't do the dishes before you got married, he won't do them after. If he didn't hold the door open or bring you flowers, the ring won't make him. But if you were pretty happy with how things were before, you'll be happy after.

13
janet
Jun 26, 2009

I felt the same way, though I did change my last name so I had at least one tangible THING to get used to....but I think what seeps in over the first few years of marraige is just the stronger sense of permanence, making decisions together for the future, planning for a family, things like that. It wasn't really an instant thing that happened when we said our vows, but I guess over time it feels a bit different now, in the best way.

14
sarin
Jun 26, 2009

Getting married was a little bit like getting to yell out on a roof top that you love someone. Staying married is being able to continue doing it. It's good.

15
Kait
Jun 26, 2009

I was going to try come up with some ridiculous way to explain the gentle shift that occured once we were married (although it took us about a year to find our footing as a married couple) but Sarin said it so much better then I ever could.

It might be all in my head, but I like the feeling of permanence. So much else might be shifting in the world but there is this one person who will be beside me always. I know a lot of people can achieve that without the whole wedding thing and more power to them but for me, getting married was just a public declaration of "This is IT! This is my personal fairy tale ending!"

It is a damn good thing I still love him that much and more four years later because seriously, you could not pay me enough to plan another wedding.

16
Courtney
Jun 26, 2009

I was married last October but we've been together for eight years, lived together for five, I didn't change my name and we continue to maintain separate finances. So, with the exception of my teeny tiny wedding band (no engagement ring) and our legal status, nothing has changed.

But it does feel different. Really slightly so, but in the nicest, warmest way possible. It just feels deeper and kind of like snuggling up with a blanket in the winter.

Although, it may be that after an insane year of wedding planning that you're just so damn happy to be able to be able to sleep without waking up in cold sweats that you just just fall in love with your life all over again. :)

17
Jessica
Jun 26, 2009

It does feel different. It's small, but different. It's an awesome difference though. Sarin and Courtney said it much better than I can, but yeah, marriage is really awesome.

18
Elizabeth
Jun 26, 2009

We had been together forever, as well, when we got married. I didn't expect it to feel different, but somehow, it did. I felt more forever, somehow.

19
Belly Girl
Jun 26, 2009

I can tell you with a huge degree of certainty something that will change. Instead of people asking "So when are you two getting married?" *they* will ask "So when are you two going to have kids?". It will never stop. And don't bother having a child to make *them* stop - because then *they* will just want to know when you are having your next one.

20
chirky
Jun 26, 2009

It feels different in a more permanent way. I guess it's in knowing that you just committed to sharing your lives together from now until death, that you promised to do that in front of an entire building full of friends, and family, and God. And then you signed a contract. (Or, you know, a marriage license, or whatever.) And that just seems to make it a bigger, more "official" relationship than dating, or living together, or being engaged, regardless of how long those periods of your life lasted and how committed you were to each other then.

21
Diane
Jun 26, 2009

I too had tunnel vision before we got married - and we eloped! I was so focused on the day and the honeymoon that nothing else seemed important.

We lived together for 4 years before tying the knot and while my last name, relationship nor address changed - there were very subtle changes for the better. We knew we were in it for the long haul anyway but now we were both legally required to be there. There was no 'easy out' and we both acknowledged, respected and welcomed that change. 2 1/2 years later - it is still awesome!

I am so looking forward to seeing your pictures and reading about your day.

22
erose
Jun 26, 2009

I got married one year ago. My husband and I had been together for six years before we got married, and lived together for five of them. I also did not change my name. I assumed everything would be exaclty the same and that being married would not bring much change other than a new ring and checking the "married" box on various forms. I was wrong.

Being married, for me, anyway, has added an additional level of permanence to our relationship. We're in this for good. We're a family. Even though I never, in our prior six years together, ever considered leaving him, it is still odd to know that if I chose to do so now, it would require a lengthy legal proceeding and a dreaded title: "divorce."

Even though we still have separate checking accounts, and have never, even to this day, fought about money, our finances are different because they are more tied together. What I spend on my own impacts him now, when it didn't before. When we were engaged, we were saving together for the wedding. There was a goal, an end in sight. But now we are saving together for our retirement, so we can see the world together, and so can care for each other when we are old. It's hard to explain, but it is indeed different. Good different.

Best wishes to you and your very manly groom.

23
Rebecca
Jun 26, 2009

"Even now, almost a year later, looking at my wedding ring brings me that feeling of contentment (and makes me so, so happy that I don't ever have to plan a wedding again!)."

Amen to that. We just celebrated our one year anniversary and I am so very very glad that I never again have to plan a wedding. There's a reason it's meant to only be done once!!! Phew...

My husband and I have been "dating" for almost 8 years now, and I think that a new feeling of permanence and security set in shortly after our engagement, but really increased after the wedding. It's incredibly joyful and comforting to know that I have this bond (legal and otherwise) with my very best friend.

Plus, um...the tax return? WAAAAY better this time around zomg.

24
Angela
Jun 26, 2009

It's funny that you hate the word fiance, because I'd LOVE to be able to use that in important situations! My boyfriend and I have been together 5 years, lived together for four, and own our home together, and I feel like "boyfriend and girlfriend" don't really convey the commitment that implies. It sounds so high school to me. Earlier this year my father had a heart attack and and we had to fly home, so my boyfriend was trying to change the date of one of his final exams (he's in grad school). Saying "my girlfriend's father had a heart attack and I need to go to California with her" just doesn't sound as necessary "my fiance's father," and they wouldn't let him change the date. He had to fly back 3 days after me. So sometimes we actually choose to use "fiance" just so things sounds more important!

25
mallory
Jun 26, 2009

So glad we're at the same point in this marriage process - I love hearing your perspective.

Its hard to know what might change and a little scary, I like us now, I don't know if I want anything different.
But I'm very excited to call him my husband and know our relationship is recognized by someone/something other than the two of us.
Its amazing to me a connection that I made with someone as a silly 17-year-old (17!!) has resulted in an meaningful, life-long, and now "official" relationship.
I also feel better knowing that we can now be considered each other's family members ("officially" - whatever that means)

26
Victoria
Jun 26, 2009

I have been married a year and a half but have been with my husband for almost 9 years and have pretty much lived together the entire time. We kept it very simple and avoided the 'bag of crap ON FIRE' (I love this phrase now too) of a wedding and got hitched by a JoP then had mexican food afterwards, which was perfect for us. I think being married will change you for sure but it will be in the smallest, and nicest ways. You will just FEEL different about it all (which I see some others agree) and it's a great warm feeling. It's great calling him your husband too and you get to avoid those pesky questions when you're a BF/GF of "Oh, so when are you two getting married?" now you'll just have the "Oh, when are you two having kids?"

27
MLE
Jun 26, 2009

Others have said it better than I could, in terms of the subtle differences in feeling since we got married more than a year ago (we were together for nearly 7 years pre-wedding and lived together for over five). But I will tell you three major differences I've noticed:
1. Our car insurance went down.
2. When we travel someplace and rent a car, we don't have to pay extra for the second driver.
3. Our tax return was AWESOME.

That's it.

28
Chris
Jun 26, 2009

I was married two weeks ago and I was surprised to feel a difference. We lived together before but there is still something different about waking up next to your husband. I love it...it's a wonderful feeling!

29
Raven
Jun 26, 2009

We were together for a hot minute before we got married so A LOT was different after we got that piece of paper. We never lived together before, didn't have joint money, I changed my name, etc.

Obviously, my situation is vastly different than yours. We've been married for 4 years now and I don't really think about it anymore, it's all time we've been together.

30
May @ Anne and May
Jun 26, 2009

Hahaha. And I married him anyway, though he started calling me his girlfriend again.

The funny thing is, when he does something really sweet, I start calling him my boyfriend again. Like, My boyfriend bought me a new MacBook!

Being married feels different and yet not. You're right that very little will change for you--and that's a good thing.

On the other hand, it's so much easier to talk about kids and how you really feel about his Aunt Geraldine with the bad breath.

So in that way it feels a little different too. I guess we feel like a team now. I don't feel guilty for saying, Well, family, I'm spending the holidays with my husband. We'll see you guys next year.

31
Rebecca
Jun 26, 2009

I married my husband about a year ago. For me it is still a little weird to say the word "husband". Also, I am a divorce attorney, and something about being married changed the way I argue. I don't know if this is the case with everybody or if the nature of my work makes me more sensitive to the "magic" words that might lead us down the horrible path towards divorce. It sounds pretty sad when I write it - but it isn't - it is just hard to avoid when you see marriages crumbling around you every day.

32
Sarah
Jun 26, 2009

It's funny reading everyone's comments because even as different as they all are (yes things change, nah they don't) I can relate to all of them. Marriage is funny that way.

Anyway, I got married almost a year ago and feel like something has changed in that now I have this person who will go to bat for me no matter what. Even if I'm dead wrong, I know my husband will defend my honor to the death. And yeah, maybe he still would have done that as my boyfriend, but there's just something about being married that makes you KNOW FOR SURE that he would do that for me.

Something that everyone said would change BUT DIDN'T was all the flippin tax benefits you're supposed to get when you file jointly. We didn't get crap! After our tax meeting, I was like, "Why in the hell did I get married if I'm not even going to get a tax break for it?!" Another funny thing about money and marriage that She Likes Purple mentioned above is taking on another person's debt. THAT is awesome. I graduated college debt-free, but I am now helping pay off thousands of dollars in school loans every month!

Wishing you an awesome wedding and an even awesome-r marriage!

33
Ryan
Jun 26, 2009

We've been together for 7 years, and married for 5 of them and they all feel the same to me. Like a lot of others here, I didn't change my name, we already lived together and shared finances. I'd been doing his taxes and our spending always impacted the household income. I still don't use husband, but never used fiance or boyfriend either. I prefer to use his name, and don't like how the titles kind of relegate people to a category instead of a person.

I think that whether or not you "feel" different after depends on how you feel about commitment before. I guess I've always seen our commitment to each other to be permanent for now. But I am also practical about the idea of "forever." I know things change and can't promise that they won't.

I'm obviously not the romantic one. But it doesn't mean that I love any less.

34
Chris
Jun 26, 2009

We were together 4 years before marrying and lived together most of that time (heck, we had already bought our first house). After 12 years of marriage I can say it changes, but you won't see it if you are looking for it, you'll just notice some small things feel different. Unless you were afraid of commitment in which case marriage will certainly pump that up a notch or two. When you notice it most is if you hit a rough patch. After all, in a marriage you can't just exchange your CD's and T's and call it a day. But coming through on the other side of that? A glorious feeling.

35
Daisy
Jun 26, 2009

I have a similar story to yours: I've been with my boyfriend for fifteen years, just got married two weeks ago, didn't change my name, etc. and let me confirm for you how freaking AWESOME it is not to have any more wedding planning to do. I love my guy and was ready to get married, but the planning just wore me down near the end.

Like you, we already live together, didn't move into a new place, have our funds/books/music comingled so it was ultimately just a piece of paper, but man.

Don't get me wrong. I loved our wedding day, but it was such a relief to know that I didn't ever have to call the damn caterers for the millionth time to ask the the same damn question.

As you may have guessed, I never quite got the hang of using the word fiance. I'm still stuck on boyfriend but trying to transition to husband. I've been referring to him as my boyfriend for fifteen years, so trying to switch to husband is like having to call him Bob or something else that is not his name.

He, on the other hand, has been using the word wife at least once a day (in reference to me, not just other people's wives) and it cracks me up every time he does it.

Hang in there - it will be worth it when you see how beautiful your wedding day is. And just think how wonderful it will be to wake up the next day and think, "I'm someone's wife...who never has to ask about renting chairs again."

36
linder
Jun 26, 2009

I had the experience for the first month or so after my wedding of kind of post-marriage depression, which I attribute to no longer having that big day to look forward to/plan for. A big chunk of how I spent my days (planning) was now gone and I was pretty unprepared for that/at sea. This was probably more of a unique situation because my entire department got laid off shortly after I left for my wedding week, so when I got back, my days *were* pretty open and different. It seems like you've got enough going on and a solid job (knock cyberwood) that this won't happen to you, but just in case -- don't forget to remember all the other stuff you do besides wedding planning. :)

37
theambershow
Jun 26, 2009

We lived together, had joint accounts, and after I didnt change my name, but after the wedding people treated us differently, and HE felt differently, in a good way.

I did not feel different at all.

38
Caroline
Jun 26, 2009

Take a deep breath, relax, and try to enjoy what is a very magical period in your relationship. I suggest lots of wine. It's in the 60's in SF today, yes? Wine at an outdoor cafe is my prescription. (Don't tell anyone I'm not a doctor.)

Believe it or not, much will change on September 6. Even on December 6 and June 6 of next year, you'll feel an even bigger change. The change is in your heart and in your head. Although the two of you have already exhibited a great deal of commitment towards each other throughout your relationship, being married is different. That legal obligation truly deepens things. You're a team in ways you never were before. You'll be even more protective of your relationship than you were before - you will truly be each other's family in a way you would not have previously felt.

Take it from a newlywed of 8 months : )

39
KarinGal
Jun 26, 2009

I got my first real migraine the day after I got married -- my body's lovely way of processing all the stress of the preceding months. While I stayed in bed with the curtains of our beachside bridal suite drawn, my sweet new husband went to eat lunch and see a movie alone. Things have only gotten better since then.

40
Sarah
Jun 26, 2009

Like a previous commenter said, it didn't feel different immediately after the wedding; it felt more or less the same. But slowly it seeps in that it IS different, in a better way. It's hard to describe, although I tried to do just that here: http://www.shesjustsayin.com/2009/05/20/seven-hundred-thirty-days/

41
Elizabeth
Jun 26, 2009

My husband and I were living together before we got married, didn't move into a new place..and things generally stayed the same. BUT, there is something about saying your vows, looking into each others eyes--the ceremony--putting the ring onto the others fingers that really connects you. It's the act of CHOOSING to stay, of choosing to commit no matter what the really makes your heart swell. I was surprised by how much different I felt afterward, and its a good feeling.

42
Lawyerish
Jun 26, 2009

For both me and the Mr., things felt different almost immediately after we exchanged vows. We even talked about it on our honeymoon, how everything felt different.

The best way I can describe it is feeling like an entire part of your life is settled. It's there, it will always be there, and it's no longer a question mark or an unknown point in the future. It's like buying a house on a rock-solid foundation after living in a sketchy shack for years that could have fallen on your head at any time.

Also, I realized that after we were married, I felt with him as comfortable and safe as I do with my family. And that's a huge thing, for someone who hasn't known you since birth, to feel that exact same solidity and safety.

43
Sheila
Jun 26, 2009

We bought our first home six months before we got married, and even though nothing says commitment like a 30-year mortgage, I DID feel different after our wedding. Bound. Partnered. In it for the long haul (despite not taking his last name).

Twelve years later, I still get a little thrill whenever I hear him say, "I'd like you to meet my wife."

44
Nothing But Bonfires
Jun 26, 2009

Oh man, these comments are making me cry! Thanks so much everyone; I'm beginning to understand how it IS going to be different, and also so much better.

45
Bella
Jun 26, 2009

I've been married only since October, but I can tell you that you most definitely will feel different. Regarding the wedding, you will probably go through a small depression at not being able to plan anymore. I know that sounds ridiculous...but I seriously just wanted to go online and see what was new in the world of centerpieces and dresses. It felt ridiculous....but I hear that's not too uncommon to feel a little depressed at the release of it being over.

Secondly, I most definitely felt different about my now husband even during our ceremony. It's pretty intense how your mindset concerning that person changes. Regardless, of how long you have been together. It changes everything....for the better. Congrats and have fun :)

46
Sara
Jun 26, 2009

Marriage didn't feel different, which to me was a good thing. We were in pretty much the same boat as you (well, minus the dating for a decade already part) - already moved in & around together, new jobs, joint finances, etc. But having a baby! Oh boy, that threw our relationship for a loop, in ways both good & not. I've never been so proud of my husband, and also so annoyed by him :P

47
Erika
Jun 26, 2009

My husband and I already felt solidly committed to one another before our wedding and since we had been living together for most of our relationship, it didn't really change anything about how we were as a couple. Though I did take on his last name. Other than that the only things that changed were the piece of paper that made it all legal and the weight of the rings on our all important fingers that we had to get used to. The new last name is one I'm still getting used to. I almost introduce myself or sign something incorrectly at least once a week.

48
Marcheline
Jun 26, 2009

I didn't change my name. We lived together beforehand. We didn't move, or make any other visible changes after "THE DAY".

However, it WAS different. We giggled for weeks every time we said "my wife" or "my husband", and sometimes we just walked around the house calling each other that, because it was so much fun.

And now, nine years after "THE DAY", I can still remember every single moment of it, and it is still the best day of our lives.

Every year we watch our wedding DVD and we cry at the good parts. Now we cry at more parts, because some of the people that were at our wedding aren't around any more. I was adamant I didn't want a steenking wedding video, and now I am so glad I changed my mind and had one made.

The videographer gets to talk to people that you would love to chat with, except you're busy dancing, or chatting with someone else... these people leave wonderful, witty, silly, funny, and touching messages that you will never get tired of seeing (provided you watch it only once a year, that is).

In a million little ways, the least of which is having a piece of paper, being married is very different (and much better) than being two single people hanging out together. The key is being married to "the one" - and you've obviously found yours.

49
stephanie
Jun 26, 2009

I would say what changes is the feeling of dedication, which sounds so cliche, but that's the only way I can describe it.
When we were dating and living together, there was obviously love and commitment, but there was still an unspoken, (in the back of the mind,) feeling that one or both of us could leave at any time if need-be.

Once we were married, that feeling left, not because we feel obligated or bound by a piece of paper, but because we had committed and made vows to each other to stick it out no matter what.

A month after our wedding, my Mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer and those vows were put to the test in the most literal sense of the word as we began one of the most difficult and trying years any couple can endure.

So I guess what changed, at least for me, is the promise to fight to stay together forever, which is really hard, but completely amazing when you think about it.

I have only been married five years. I can say it is both completely wonderful and at times, completely annoying, but even in the most difficult, frustrating times, I will take being married to my husband over being without him every day.

50
Karen
Jun 27, 2009

For us, nothing changed after we got married (which was over 12 years ago). It seemed like it was life as usual--we had been living together, we knew we loved each other and a piece of paper and a big party, although great fun, wasn't going to change any of that.

Now in my case, he was the one who started calling me his wife after we got engaged, much to the confusion of his long distance friends when they got our wedding invitations ("wait...wuh? Aren't you...I thought you were already married...?").

51
Jenni
Jun 27, 2009

We've been married for a month. It's really surprised me that it does feel different. Just in the smallest ways. Mostly I'm more chill than I ever have been. I let things roll off my back and look at him thinking, "we'll be together forever, I can deal with this later."

And it feels so good to be able to sit on the couch, go out to dinner, even grocery shop without thinking of wedding planning!

52
Carol
Jun 27, 2009

The only thing that changes for us (we'd been together 8+ years and lived together too) was other people's impressions. It's like we had to adjust to THEIR adjustment that we were married.

Carol

53
Alyce
Jun 27, 2009

I was going to say what Carol said.

Our relationship didn't change. It was deep and true and strong and full of passion both before we got married and after.

What changed was other people's response to us. I don't think it was just because of our circumstances (met online, moved across country to be together, 13 yr age difference) and I don't think that being married outwardly validated who we were to one another in a way that mere words couldn't - I suppose I'm thinking particularly of the response of family & friends here.

Marriage changed the way strangers responded to us, too. It was a codicil to the 'us' that legitimized it somehow.

Yes, it's nebulous and strange.

I look forward to hearing how it is for you. Mayhap you could put a tickler in your book to give us a state of the Union in a few months.

54
Wacky Mommy
Jun 27, 2009

It all changes. It will be 11 years for us on Sept. 6, and it keeps getting better with each year; our daughter turns 10 on Sept. 4, she amazes us 10, 20, 30 times a day (as does her brother, who recently turned 7); I'll be thinking of you 2 on Sept. 5 and sending so much love 2 you.

It all changes and it will blow your mind, the difference.

55
Tracy D
Jun 28, 2009

I hate the term fiance as well. My husband and I were engaged for a year and a half before we got married (due to my mom having a fit each time I started even thinking about the wedding plans and not including her as much as she thought I should have).

No one likes to use the term fiance - everyone at work called him either my boyfriend or my husband.

We lived together for 2 years before getting married and we had already combined our finances and agreed to pay off our credit card debt together long before we got married.

The only thing that changed is my last name...and after a year of marriage, I'm still finding things I have forgotten to change to my married name...it's quite annoying actually.

56
HollyLynne
Jun 29, 2009

I felt very different when we got engaged . . . but not much more so when we were actually married. We made a lot of big, scary life changes right after our engagement (mortgage! joint banking!). By the time we got married, acting like married people was old hat!

57
Operation Pink Herring
Jun 30, 2009

I hope this isn't creepy, but I sort of consider you my online blogging wedding BFF.

I felt like there was a big shift when we went from living-in-sin, long-term boyfriend and girlfriend to engaged couple. It was like, whoah... we've both decided we're NOT going to break up with each other if the dirty socks on the floor and the un-shut cabinets drive us too crazy one day.

I really can't imagine life post-wedding either, but I am of looking foward to not being so damn busy and not having to use the word fiaaaaaance anymore. And not answering the "SO ARE YOU EXCITED!?" question ever again.

58
Melanie
Jul 01, 2009

The only thing that really changed for me was the feeling that he wouldn't run out the door at the drop of a hat. Not that I worried about him leaving me, but I figured it would be a bigger hassle now that it was official. :P So I felt more content.