Swine Flu, What Swine Flu?

I always get the most bizarre injuries when I go to the Bahamas. Last time, if you'll cast your mind back, I sprained my foot by slamming into some rocks when I was running down the beach and then did something to my bottom lip that made me look like Octomom gone bad. (Or, I guess, Octomom gone worse.) This time, I got scratched by a swimming pig.

Yes, I said a swimming pig.

There's a spot in the Exuma Cays where the turquoise water is so irresistible that even the piggies who live on the shore like to take a dip in it now and then. When our boat stopped at the beach and the pigs waddled in to greet us, I didn't have to be asked twice to jump in and swim with them too. So along with two other intrepid travel writers, I popped off the edge of the boat and into the sea to frolic with the future BLTs. Look, there's even video evidence! True, I am screaming with fright throughout much of it---turns out a swimming pig paddling towards you is a lot faster than you'd think a swimming pig would be---but it's evidence nonetheless. Evidence of what? Of my general badassery, I guess. Well, general badassery mixed with abject fear. And just a bit of screaming.

When I got out of the water, someone on the boat noticed a teeny-tiny graze on my thigh, presumably from where one of the pigs had caught me with his hoof while it was CHASING ME, and it was a great source of hilarity to everyone---especially me---that I was going to get the swine flu because of it."Ha ha ha," everyone laughed. "You're totally going to get the swine flu!" "Ha ha ha," I replied. "I totally am!"

Two days later, though, I didn't feel so hot on the plane ride home, and I started to seriously freak the freak out that I DID actually have the swine flu. You know how when you're on a plane and you start to worry about something and you can't stop, and then suddenly it seems really real, and you're all, Oh my god, come to think of it, I am really tired. And I do have a headache. And I kind of feel a little achy and weird too. And I think my throat hurts. IT'S TOTALLY BECAUSE I GOT SCRATCHED BY THAT SWIMMING PIG. NOW I'M GOING TO GET THE SWINE FLU AND DIE, EVEN THOUGH I'VE KIND OF BEEN MAKING FUN OF IT THIS WHOLE TIME, AND WHO WILL I LEAVE MY HOT PINK KITCHENAID MIXER TO? I DID NOT EVEN HAVE TIME TO MAKE A WILL.

Well, yeah, that's exactly how I felt. I'm sure you know the specific feeling well.

And then I pulled myself together and took a half hour nap upright in my seat, which managed to curtail my near panic attack and made me rationalize that a) I was tired because it was almost 1am my time and I was on a plane, and b) I had a headache because I'd had a lot of sun and not enough water that day, and c) I was exhausted and panicking for no reason, and I didn't have the swine flu, and I wasn't going to die, and I would live to taste those mini cones of french fries with truffle oil we're planning to serve at our wedding as hors d'oeuvres (because OMG, mini cones of french fries with truffle oil! How could you not?)

Still, though, I really sort of hope that graze leaves an awesome-looking scar when it heals. Because can you imagine how much fun that'd be to explain? "That? Oh yeah, no biggie, that's just where I was scratched by the hoof of a swimming pig during a swine flu pandemic. What you don't have one too? Huh, weird."

1
Kavita
May 19, 2009

Oh yeah, that would make an interesting story all right! Way to go lassie, and I think you should add the swollen bottom lip look to it every once in a while. That would just add to the aesthetics of the look and story!:D

2
Helen
May 19, 2009

I like the random piece of bread (?) captured in the top right of the first picture - it looks like the person throwing it is aiming it at the pig to lure it away from you and causing any further damage.

As it throws it down with rain here, and my feet are very soggy, the use of the phrase "I always get the most bizarre injuries when I go to the Bahamas. Last time..." made me almost weep with envy, swine flu panic or not.

3
greyfavorite
May 19, 2009

First the Great Lockout Adventure, now the Great Brush* with Swimming Pigs.

*Or, should I say Scratch?

Holly, I am beginning to think that you are not meant to be in the Bahamas.

On a happier note, anything miniature = good. French fries = good. Truffle oil = good. Mini cones of french fries with truffle oil = drool.

4
Marcy
May 19, 2009

Yeah...
I hate when swimming pigs scratch me...
So hard to explain...

5
Alisa
May 19, 2009

ummm...I've been feeling like I'm getting it, too, and this morning when I saw the title of your post on my google reader screen, I was like NO WAAAAAY EVERYTHING IS TELLING ME THAT I'M GOING TO GET THE SWINE FLU!!!!

I'm glad you're okay, though; that pig was super cute, so at least there's that.

Wish me luck;0)

6
Raven
May 19, 2009

You would think that I would be focused on the swimming pig in this picture, but instead, I seem to be fixated on the flying bit of toast in the corner. Flying TOAST!

7
Nothing But Bonfires
May 19, 2009

The bread was for feeding them! I love how it gives the picture at the top a totally surreal look.

8
Sheila
May 19, 2009

Man, that has GOT to be on someone's life list: Swim with pigs.

This whole entry is further proof that travel writers lead charmed lives and I've decided that in my next life, I'm coming back as one. But perhaps I'll skip the swimming with swine part.

9
Erin
May 19, 2009

How bizarre! And incredible! And once-in-a-lifetimey!

10
Melanie
May 19, 2009

That is just flat out bizarre. And I can't believe you never mentioned the ginormous piece of bread hovering beneath the seagull in the photo!

11
beyond
May 19, 2009

that is one of the funniest photos i have seen in a while. the flying piece of bread makes that photo.

12
barmaid
May 19, 2009

Ha! I love it! The picture is awesome!

13
Lisa
May 19, 2009

I'm trying to plan a trip to the Bahamas this July and have NO IDEA WHERE TO GO. Please help!

14
Sarah
May 19, 2009

Yes, pick that scab! Interesting scar stories are the best. My latest is the shiny scar on my finger that came from picking up my straighteners with my finger touching the edge of the ceramic - which then caused me to throw the straighteners up in the air and somehow I managed to catch them safely with my other hand.

15
NothingButBonfires
May 19, 2009

Lisa! Exuma! It's probably the most beautiful place I've ever been in my life. You've never, ever, ever seen such turquoise water, I assure you. It's just incredible. Email me and we'll chat -- I have lots of ideas!

16
Moose
May 19, 2009

You really do have half the ingredients for a BLT in that picture. All you need is a toaster and a butcher.

Swimming with pigs! That made my day! Hopefully you're feeling better and can file away the will naming me the new owner of your pink kitchenaid mixer. (Ahem.)

17
Sara
May 19, 2009

I think you are lying. There is NO WAY that you are not in a swimming pool in that photo. There is no water in this world that looks like that.
Please don't make me face reality. In my state of landlockedness (totally a word) knowing for certain that there is water that really looks like that might make my brain melt and run out my ears.

18
ScottsdaleGirl
May 19, 2009

Holly - I just wanted to remind you that YES PLEASE EAT THE FOOD AT YOUR OWN WEDDING. I remember snarfing up some dip and crudite and that was IT (except a bite of cake) at mine and have heard many a bride recall that "OMG I didn't eat! At my own WEDDING!". I suppose those with the big fancy sit down dinner things probably eat at least a little but ...anyway. I felt all motherly about it when you mentioned French Fries with Truffle Oil.
*dies*

19
Vampy Varnish
May 19, 2009

I totally thought that pic was Photoshopped at first. Hilarious article I love it! :)

20
Michele
May 19, 2009

I can't comment on the swine flu or the truffle cones...I'm completely distracted by the color of the water and how it matches your blog.

21
Caroline
May 20, 2009

It's toast?!?! I thought it was a Pringle.

22
April
May 21, 2009

That picture is so surreal! I love the bread in the corner. What a great story. :)