May
24
2013

30 Weeks


Ol' Pointy and I went on a date with Sean to the San Francisco Museum of Modern Art last night, where I stood in front of this Damien Hirst piece and smiled awkwardly at passersby who may actually have thought I was part of the exhibit. 

At 30 weeks, Hamish really hates it when I sit down. This is problematic in that I tend to do a lot of sitting down in my day-to-day life, and while I’m able to get around this somewhat at work by using my standing desk—although barely, to be honest, because my belly now protrudes in front of me to a degree that makes it awkward for my hands to reach the keyboard, kind of like a pregnant Tyrannosaurus Rex—it’s slightly more difficult to avoid sitting while driving, eating at a restaurant, commuting to work on the shuttle bus, and attending meetings. (“Oh, don’t mind me, guys. I’m just going to stand over here in a corner and take notes / eat my Cobb salad / brace my hands against the ceiling while we take a particularly sharp corner.”)

The problem is that he’s growing (good) and running out of room (bad…. and even worse when you consider he’s still got ten more weeks to go in there), which means that every time I’ve been sitting down for more than two and a half minutes, I’m reminded of his discomfort—and, in turn, my own—with a swift kick or three to the ribs and then a little foot (I think) lodged permanently under my ribcage to show he means business. I can usually make things a little better by sitting up straighter or putting one hand at the top of my ribs in a soothing gesture of conciliation—sorrysorrysorry, Hamish, this isn’t particularly pleasant for mummy either—but I can’t get out of my head, every time it happens, the voice of bossy Judith from the BBC’s Come Fly With Me, who tells her husband “Peter, I’m talking and you’re talking. We can’t both be talking.” In my case, however, the voice is saying “Hamish, I’m sitting and you’re sitting. We can’t both be sitting.”

Unfortunately, however, we do both have to be sitting, and—short bouts at the standing desk aside—there’s nothing that can be done to avoid it. I’m trying to think of this as Hamish’s first lesson in sharing, as well as my own introduction to that well-known aphorism that babies turn your life upside down by taking everything you once thought was your personal property—like, say, your internal organs—and kicking the living shit out of it.

30 weeks seems like a monumental landmark, seeing as we’re now into a whole new set of digits—and properly into the third trimester—and I am alternately struck by thoughts such as “awww, ten weeks to go, still so long until I can meet this little guy” and “TEN WEEKS? TEN WEEKS ARE YOU KIDDING ME. TEN WEEKS DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I HAVE TO DO BETWEEN NOW AND THEN.” This is very restful and calming, as I’m sure you can imagine, and I assure you that I am a real joy to live with right now, particularly as it relates to my mile-long to-do list, several items of which are major home renovations requiring the service of actual contractors (“Yes, Sean, it’s imperative that we re-tile the front hallway before the baby comes, obviously.”) I mean, what, do I think the baby’s going to pop out and be a photographer from Architectural Digest with impeccable taste? Does it matter that we landscape the back garden before his arrival? (Yes, actually. Yes, it matters very much.)

Conversely, I would like to note that, with ten weeks to go, I have made absolutely no progress whatsoever on the nursery, aside from pinning a few vaguely nursery-ish things to my Knocked Up board on Pinterest and making a lot of confusing lists on post-it notes. The room is not even functioning as my office anymore, but instead as a dumping ground for the increasingly adorable baby clothes I find myself unable to resist buying, the coats we moved out of the hall closet in preparation for the aforementioned hallway tiling—they’ve been piled on the couch for a week, like we’re having one very long, very awesome party which nobody wants to leave—and any other baby-related paraphernalia, which at this point includes only one (1) gently-used Ergo given to us by my generous friend Diane and one (1) Chicco Keyfit Caddy stroller frame, which I purchased second-hand on Craigslist last week for less than half the selling price and which made me feel—as I wheeled it out of a fancy apartment building in the Mission, where I’d bought it from a bearded hipster who I was 99% sure wasn’t just pretending to sell stroller frames on Craigslist in order to lure pregnant women into his home and kill them—more like a mother than anything else has done yet.

(Considering it didn’t yet have a car seat in it, and was basically just an empty stroller frame, it also made me feel more like a crazy bag lady than anything else has done yet. I detected a slightly pitying look from a tattooed young man who held the door open for me. Like, awww, are you going to put your cat in a bonnet later and take it for rides around the neighborhood?)

Despite my efforts to be what my new favorite book Bébé By Day describes as “a zen maman”—in order to produce, I assume, a zen bébé—30 weeks is also freaking me out a little bit in that I have started to think about the eventual end of all this, the eventual end being GIVING BIRTH, a prospect I had hitherto been priding myself on feeling fairly relaxed about, but which I now recognize wasn’t actually admirable nonchalance but instead straight-up denial. I mean, now that I’ve started to think about what actually needs to happen before I can hold this baby in my arms and dress him in the adorable little anchor-covered onesies I keep buying for 40% off at Baby Gap, I have found myself confronted with the irrefutable fact that there are only two ways this thing is coming out of my body, and neither of them is particularly appealing. Reader, I am beginning to grow concerned.

While I feel fairly confident that my “birth plan,” such as it were, is going to be GIVE ME ALL THE DRUGS, GIVE ME THEM NOW—I am really quite bad at managing pain, and really quite good at taking proffered medication—a small part of me is wondering if there are other things I should be doing to prepare myself for the horror—did I say horror? Ha! I meant to type miracle—of labor. We have childbirth classes coming up in the next couple of weeks, of course, and I have also bought—and carried around with me quite diligently without reading—a book about hypnobirthing, but I guess what I am looking for is someone to tell me how it’s actually going to feel. How painful is it? On a scale of one to ten: like drowning in a cauldron of bubbling oil....or more like drowning in a cauldron of bubbling oil, coming back to life, and then being buried alive because nobody realizes you’ve come back to life and also there is a hornet’s nest? I mean, feel free to use your own words to describe the level of pain we’re dealing with here, but I feel like mine might be pretty accurate too.

Recent Posts

May
19
2013

28 & 29 Weeks

At 28 weeks pregnant, I flew eleven hours to London, took a three-hour train ride up to the north of England to attend my grandmother's funeral, then roadtripped another eight hours up to Scotland with my dad and sister to drop the latter back at university in time for her final exams. Somebody page Richard Curtis, because this sounds like a Britcom movie I'd pay to see. 

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May
14
2013

Nobody Needs A Wipe Warmer (And Other Things I Hope You'll Tell Me)

A few weekends ago, I sat down to make a baby registry. Wait, let me just rephrase that sentence: a few weekends ago, I sat down to make a baby registry and did not get up. For the entire 48 hours. Call it anxious first-timer nerves, call it "generally unable to purchase anything, eat anywhere, or make any other kind of decision for myself without first reading seven hundred reviews from other people," but I found the idea of making a baby registry more than a little daunting.

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May
06
2013

27 Weeks

At 27 weeks, my pointy belly and I went down to San Diego to see my parents. (Also, I dyed my hair, as you may have noticed by the faintly Elvira-ish shade it seems to have turned since the last weekly photo. Apparently, L'Oreal and I have very different definitions of "dark brown.")

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Apr
29
2013

26 Weeks

First of all, thank you so much for your lovely, kind words on my last post. I hope it doesn't sound too cheesy to say this, but each one of your comments meant so much to me and really did go such a long way to helping me feel better. I'm trying to write back to everyone properly to say thank you for your thoughts and condolences, so if I haven't got to you yet, rest assured that I will. 

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Apr
18
2013

This Is How You Dance

Last week, my friend Anna emailed me to tell me that her parents were cleaning out their house in Hong Kong and had sent her two large boxes of her stuff to sort out. Because I have known Anna since 1987—which is the longest I have known any of my friends and, actually, anyone who is not technically a family member—I was fairly sure I knew where she was going with this, and I was right. 

"Pretty much everything in those boxes," she said, "is a letter from you." 

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Apr
04
2013

23 Weeks

Twenty three weeks, as far as I can remember—it happened a whole week ago, which means my new and fuzzy pregnancy brain has little to no memory of it—was fairly unmomentous. The twentysomething weeks, in fact, are whizzing by super quickly in a blur of super-quickness, much like my actual twenties, although I don't even have alcohol as an excuse for it this time. 

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Random Flashbacks

Apr
12
2012

We Went To Graceland, Graceland, Graceland

Quite honestly, I can barely stand to watch this video anymore since it took me seven bajillion hours to make it and if I never hear the opening bars to Paul Simon's Graceland again it will be far too soon, but if you don't mind the fact that you're going to get the chorus stuck in your head for the next two weeks, here's something that captures pretty accurately the trip I took with my parents and sister last week to Memphis, Tennessee.

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Mar
01
2010

I Am Trying To Ruin Your Diet

I went down to see my parents in San Diego last weekend, where I did what I always do when I'm down there: shop with my mother, watch HGTV with my father, and eat as much food as is humanly possible. For some people, a week in Maui is what it takes to push the re-set button. For me, it's a weekend at home.

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Sep
09
2009

Reader, I Married Him

we're married!!

The day was magical, no doubt in part because of all the wonderful vibes and love sent along by the Internet. This is one of the very few pictures we have so far---taken by Sean's best man, Tony, who was, as I understand it, quite a hit at the wedding---but I thought I'd post it quickly from the Melbourne Library (what, isn't the library the first place you'd go on your honeymoon?) just in case you were wondering how it all went. As you can tell, it went pretty splendidly.

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May
19
2008

Very Large Collection of Sunscreen Type Things

Sunscreen.jpg

I started very, very tentatively packing for Singapore this evening---which is to say that I kind of assembled a bunch of stuff in random piles on my bedroom floor---and I kept putting sunscreen-type things in a corner together before I realized that oh my god, I have, like, fifteen different sunscreen-type things to take to Singapore. And also: wow! This means I am going on vacation! 

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Aug
24
2008

Blast From the Past

Having a subscription to Us Weekly has it benefits. I recently won a Starbucks card at work, for instance, after I entered a competition in which one had to identify a handful of famous people's children from pictures cut out of magazines. I got 'em all---Suri Cruise, Apple Paltrow, even Liam Spelling, if you can believe it---except for one elusive celebrity spawn, who turned out to be the daughter of one of the members of Wilson Phillips, which was a little esoteric, if you ask me, because who listens to Wilson Phillips anymore?

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Recent Comments

April
May 25, 2013
I just gave birth, on Monday, in fact, so this is all fresh in my mind. All I can say is that it's very intense, and was completely different from how I imagined. I read a lot of birth stories, and I thought I knew what to expect but I really didn't. You see from reading all these comments that everyone's experiences are different, and you can't know what it will be like for you until you're doing it. I do think it's good to have a plan for how you're going to deal with the drugs. I wanted to do it without medication, and put in my birth plan that I didn't want to be offered any during labor. At several points during my three hours of pushing I thought it would be really nice to have a little something to take the edge off, but couldn't get that from my brain to my mouth. Later my nurse told me how impressed she was and surprised I didn't ask for anything, and that she was trying to honor my birth plan by not offering me any! Oops.

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Leslie
May 24, 2013
We mommies love to talk about our births! I second (third? Fifteenth?) the avoid induction commenters. I had three babies, one induced and two not. The induction could have been avoided and saved both me and baby a lot of pain and trouble but I didn't do my research first. Check out induction before you have to decide because once you get in the position it can be scary and hard to say no/ object with docs and nurses. I had a doula for my third birth, and that was the best choice I made. She helped advocate for decisions in the hospital hat we made ahead of time and didn't let the docs and nurses persuade me in the heat of the moment.

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Kristin H
May 24, 2013
My first kid was a c-section, which--do not recommend. Then again I didn't have much choice in it so, que sera sera and all. For my second I was determined to avoid a repeat of child #1 and wanted (and did) do the whole thing without drugs. I would describe it as only a very short time of the most excruciating pain I ever felt. Like out of my mind with delirium sort of pain. But seriously, that part was only at the very worst of it when he was crowning, and it only lasted a couple of minutes. I mean, the rest of it wasn't a picnic or anything, but it was do-able. And! And! I would absolutely do it that way again. It's true, what they say: that you forget the worst of it right away. I remember it in theory, but not what it really felt like.

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Maud
May 24, 2013
Why am I always #onezillion to comment so you'll probably never even get down here? Oh well. I'm really happy you have an Ergo as that would have been my number one recommendation of Things To Get. In fact, I just sold my beloved Ergo tonight, probably two years after I last used it, and it was a wrench because I'd say I wore that thing every day for four years between two children. Ergo good, is what I'm trying to tell you. Hypnobirthing good too, even if it all sounds like twaddle right now. Get yourself a copy of Ina May's Guide to Childbirth by Ina May Gaskin, ignore the dated hippie clothing in the photos and read the wonderful inspiring birth stories and her tips on ways to manage the contractions. Your mind really does have an influence on your body - believe it and let it do some of the work. If your top half is all "No, no, ow, don't do that," your bottom half can't relax and let the baby down. Also, stay upright as long as you can - don't lie down on your back if you can avoid it, because hey, gravity. If you hire a doula you'll not regret it, no matter what sort of birth you plan/hope for/get. I'll stop now. Sorry. Soapbox issues.

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Lindsey
May 24, 2013
Just be a "zen maman" as much as you can. The actual birth of my daughter basically went exactly opposite my "birth plan." A year and a half later when I ran across the file on my computer I actually laughed at myself. :) Just do what feels right for you in the moment and tell Sean it's his job to speak for you if you're having a hard time. He'll know what you'd want if you can't verbalize it yourself at the time.

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Katherine
May 24, 2013
First of all, the female body is amazing. After having my boys, I was just so proud of my body for doing such ridiculously awesome things during both pregnancies, deliveries, and aftermaths. So cool! But yes, it does hurt. A lot. More so with the first; second time around, my body was all "oh, this again? I know how to do this!" I went the drug free route, with the plan to medicate if the babies or myself were ever in danger. Both times, I used laughing gas and some painkillers toward the end. It was painful, but manageable. My three best labour/delivery tips: 1. Bring ice chips (a lot of them) and chapstick in with you. All that mouth breathing leads to some serious sandpaper tongue and dry (think running a marathon in the desert) lips. 2. Childbirth is ... gory. Prepare yourself for what your delivery room will look like after your precious angel's made it to the outside. My husband and I were both like, "wha--?" because it looked like a crime scene. But don't worry, you'll be so smitten with your little one that you probably won't even notice :) 3. Make sure someone's monitoring your laughing gas intake, if you choose to use that method to "take the edge off." At the height of pushing, I had pretty much stuck the mask my face and would've passed out if the doc hadn't told my husband to take it away (which, in the moment, REALLY pissed me off, but once my brain cleared, I realized it was for the best). Good luck!! Xx

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A
May 24, 2013
Before i had my daughter, I was open to taking any and all drugs available. However, I found I honestly did not need any drugs. In fact, I would not describe labor as painful. Intense and uncomfortable but not painful.

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Käthe
May 24, 2013
Meh, it's not that bad. Would there be so many people on Earth if it was that bad? And I'm not talking post-drug-invention. Here's the deal: HORMONES. There is no other pain in your life that comes with a healthy dose of hormones to get through it. And? When it's over? It's OVER. Pain is totally gone. It's incredible. Dunno what doing the drug version is like, I just know that the drug version often leads down a scary path. Stick to the hormones. They'll take care of you. Happy Labor Day, when it comes. It's a trip. (Not kidding - totally high afterwards.)

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Kristen
May 24, 2013
Then I forgot to post the link. Classic. https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=480609552005519

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Kristen
May 24, 2013
I ran across this today on Facebook. You need to watch. Stop motion of all mine months - belly shots. Enjoy.

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Jaclyn
May 24, 2013
The only thing I would say is you need to be prepared for the fact that any and all plans might not work out. So even if you plan to get the drugs, knowing a little something about other pain management options in case that doesn't happen is never a bad thing.

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Sarah
May 24, 2013
Drugs are the marvel of modern medicine; even with an epidural, you will still FEEL, so don't worry about having the "full" or "right" birth experience - you will ultimately have YOUR OWN experience (your - plural!) and in the end, that's what counts. The outcome of a healthy baby and healthy mommy is really all that matters. Classes will help just prepare you for the different options, which will help alleviate stress during the actual time if they say "we have to to such-and-such" and you already know what it means. What the books don't tell you - or maybe don't emphasize enough- is the recovery you need afterwards. Whatever you do, don't plan any projects for maternity leave, unless that project is watching TV on your iPad while the baby nurses. I was SO surprised at how painful the hemerrhoids were - there, I said it. The "second childbirth" was way worse than the first - although thankfully it has gotten much better, it just took time. Take stool softeners right away, drink lots of water and eat all the fruit you can!!!

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Aneets
May 24, 2013
I have to agree with everyone else & say you really can't prepare for it. It is as horrible as you imagine & there is nothing to do but just get through it. I have had 2 drug free & 1 epidural birth & I must say I preferred the non epidural births much more. They made the post birth bit easier. I think by the time I went into labour with each of my 3 kids (& I had a tv worthy waters breaking moment with each labour which was handy- no confusion about if it was time!) I was so over being pregnant that the thought of going through the labour bit seemed a small price to pay for getting the baby out of there. I agree with what someone said about nobody preparing you for the aftermath of birth. I found breastfeeding, going to the bathroom, looking at my post birth body (oh man so horrid) & just my emotional state so much harder to deal with for say the first week afterwards (bit longer for breastfeeding- that shit HURTS). Just take it a minute at a time & just get through it because it won't be long until it feels like a distant memory.

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jen
May 24, 2013
Holly, is there a good birthing doula community in your area? I would think so, but I've been surprised. Anyway, I would strongly encourage talking to and hiring a doula to help you. Even if your plan is to get an epidural/use available narcotics, like many have stated above (and to quote the Rolling Stones) - "you can't always get what you want." I've had way too many friends and family members prepare for birth by figuring they can just get an epidural and then be completed unprepared when it just doesn't work out and they have to do it unmedicated. For us, we're striving for an unmedicated birth because we want as little intervention as possible. I do believe that pain is something that can be 80% in your head and with the right support and people around you, can be reduced to a manageable level. Of course, I say all this 3 weeks before my due date, so maybe talk to me after and I might have a different opinion. :) As for the house projects, it's something to take your mind off waiting for the baby to arrive. That's why my front porch is currently ripped off and we have tons of paint samples on the side of our house. Fun times.

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Angela
May 24, 2013
I had back labor, so I'm not the best authority to comment on what typical contractions feel like (and I read a Babycenter post on it beforehand and the answers ranged from "it felt like being sawed in half" to "eh, it didn't really hurt that much" so... I think it is different for everyone), but I did get an epidural, in the end. I'll echo what someone else said about it helping them rest and relax. My pain was just bordering on unmanageable when I got it, but I was so, so tired. With the epidural, I was able to sleep my way from 7 to 10 centimeters in a couple hours, and pushing was physically taxing but not painful. I was like, what did I wait for??

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Chritine
May 24, 2013
Swaddlers, boppy and the Baby Log iphone app (great for tracking feeding, sleeping and pooping)!

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Courtney
May 24, 2013
It's painful, but it's a manageable kind of pain, you know? It's not constant, and you know there's an end point. This is coming from someone who's gone natural twice. My advice is to keep moving as long as you can--it's way worse once you're lying down. The pain starts out like bad cramps and gets worse--it's like a really intense pressure on your uterus. Lying down totally increases the pressure, IMO. Standing/swaying really helps, and it sounds like you're getting a lot of practice with that already! And this is different for everyone, but while contractions/transition were painful, the actual pushing felt good. My yoga teacher always said the best way to deal with contractions is breath, sound, and movement. Deep slow breaths, low noises (think mooing, not screaming) and moving however feels best to deal with the pain. The second it's over you'll be on the biggest high of your life and not even care.

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Misty
May 24, 2013
Even though my "baby" turned 7 in February I still, very vividly, remember having to push his little head out of my liver when I would sit down for very long. He was breech and very content sitting in there Indian-style. As far as labor pain goes.....we had a planned C-section due to the orientation of the baby. I'm so excited for you and Sean and have enjoyed reading about your journey so far. :)

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scholae
May 24, 2013
Yes to what Julia #4 said about the description of the pain (bad menstrual cramps) and also feeling like it was something I could control. I had Stadol with my first, just "a little something to take the edge off" as the nurse put it, and nothing with my second. However, you do what's right for you. And also, someone else said what they weren't prepared for was the change to their body afterwards. Especially your, um, lady parts. How to put this delicately? They get really stretched out during delivery, so afterwards they look really terrible. Purple. Um, saggy, not to put too fine a point on it. They go back to normal after a few days, but holy bejeezus that scared me more than just about anything else.

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nonsoccermom
May 24, 2013
I've been reading your blog for years but only comment sporadically (if ever)...I feel like I need to put a disclaimer lest you think I'm some sort of troll who has a bizarre compulsion only to comment on posts related to labor pain or something. I'm not, I promise! I just need to comment more often. :) Anyway, the worst part of labor for me was the fact that my (gigantic, as it turns out) daughter was positioned directly on top of my bladder, making each contraction feel like I needed to pee really, really horrifically badly. Once I had the epidural, though - no worries. Those things are the BEST. Before she was born, this same gigantic child (seriously, almost 10 pounds) made me uncomfortable in the same ways you're describing. The ONLY thing that really helped was to get down on all fours like I was going to crawl, and just chill out there for a while. That's about the only way gravity works in your favor at this point in a pregnancy.

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